Dear Christian,

Phew…you made it! When I titled this post I really wanted to say that WE made it, but really this post is about you. Although, It’s kind of about me too, because for the most part I have no idea what your first day really looked like….and it kills me. How is it possible that so much of your day is a mystery to me. I of course asked you about it, but it was like pulling teeth. I remember this feeling when you started pre school and that was just for a few hours. I couldn’t believe that there would be a part of your day that I wasn’t a part of, and this is so much worse. 9-4 (ish) you are gone. I missed you.

You slept in pretty late (7:30) and we started our day. It broke my heart when you cried at breakfast about not wanting to go to school. You see, as I have said before it’s hard to be strong when my heart is breaking too. I know it’s all so exciting but I totally can see how it’s super scary for you. But I hugged you and tried to make it OK. We walked down to the bus stop together as a family (Tinkerbell included) and waited for your bus. We took pictures, and I even got on the bus once it came to make sure you got on OK, and that’s when I panicked. You had to go to the back!! I was told Kindergartens were in front, and as I watched you walk to the back confused and scared I almost lost it. I got off the bus and waved. Your daddy saw you through the window but I couldn’t see. The bus drove off and I turned around and cried. I felt accomplished because I was able to hold it together till you drove off, but all I could think about is….where did my baby go? How did we get here so fast?

Then we walked home…..

I felt lucky I planned a small gathering at our house with other moms and their younger kids to keep my mind off of things. Mimosas can always help with that. I cried to them too, but it helped me keep my mind off things….mainly you….but you were never far from my thoughts. I kept looking at the clock thinking….what is he doing? What time is lunch? Did he make new friends? Will he be OK? Will his teacher be nice? And the day went on. It was quiet here with out you.

Then 4:00 came and I drove (yes I drove the few houses down because of rain) to wait for you….and I waited….and waited till about 4:20 when the bus finally rolled in. I was told that buses are late on the first day but it was hard to wait. Then you came off, and the bus driver told me how nervous you were on the bus. You were worried you weren’t going to get home. I can only imagine how scary it all was today. But you did it. You got off the bus and smiled. I tried to get information about your day but it was tough. I am hoping over time you will tell me more because I am dying to know.

Then, dinner was your choice at McDonalds and it was early to bed for you. You were EXHAUSTED! You looked overwhelmed and I felt like I didn’t get to cuddle you enough that day. Then I read you a book and before I turned out the lights you said “mommy can I tell you something?” and I said “of course” and you said “I am excited for school tomorrow but I don’t want to go on the bus”. Then you cried…..and again my heart broke. It broke because it would be very easy for me to drive you to school. I would actually love it! But, I know the bus can be fun. We talked about it and I told you that I would pack you some books in your back pack so you could read them if you got scared or didn’t know people. That seemed to help. I hope it will. You see, as your mom there are things you will just have to figure out on your own. It’s hard for me to accept, but I promise to do my best to push you where you need to be. It’s for the best.

So you did it! Day one is in the books, and I am sure it will be a day I remember. Each day will get easier I am sure, and before we both know it it will all just be routine. But that won’t mean that I will stop missing you. It will take a while to get used to not having you here at lunch and to hear you laugh and sneak candy while your sister is asleep. But I am proud of you. You did great, and I know this year will be a good one. I can’t wait to watch…..I love you…