kindergarten night before

Dear Christian,

Your mom is an emotional wreck right now. I remember feeling this way when you started preschool in the 2 year old program, but after that it got better. But as I write this, you are with your dad and sister at BJ’s shopping for school snacks and food, and I can do is sit here and cry. It has nothing to do with you my dear boy. I know you will be fine. People laugh at me and pick on me because I am having so much trouble with the start of this school year, but I don’t think those people can understand the great almost 6 years that you and I have spent together. To those that go to work, or have had their child out of the home all day this is no big deal. It’s like any other day. But for me, and probably you for a little bit this is a big change. I promise not to tell you how big it is though. I am working hard at making you super excited for this big day. See, because it is a big day. Tomorrow you will be a big, brave boy, and get on a bus that you’ve never ridden, enter a school you have never been to (well you’ve visited it 2 times), and meet a teacher you haven’t met. Some may not think so, but it’s a big deal. Especially to a little boy who has never had to do it. But you will do it, and I know you will be great.

It will be hard for me to not know all about your day, and I hope that you will share it with me. You aren’t the best at that. It’s like pulling teeth! I am hoping you will find it all so exciting that you will be bursting to share. I know I will be counting down the minutes (at least on the first day) till you come home so that I know it all went OK. See, I know all of this is harder on me than it is you. You are sooo ready to go to school all day. I keep reminding myself that the only difference between this year and last is the 3 hours that Tessa naps. During that time you are pretty much bored out of your mind, and in that time you will be doing so many great things.

I had the opportunity to come to the school on the first day to help with lunch, but I turned it down. Why? I know you would be happy to see me there, and I would be happy to come and see that you are OK, but I know it’s best for you to do it on your own from the beginning. That was a super hard choice for me. Same goes for putting you on the bus tomorrow. It takes all my power NOT to drive you to school. I think you’d be happy with it, and I know I would be, but the bus is also important. It will teach you a lot and although I don’t love it, I know it’s best. (someone please remind me of this when I get bad reports from the bus, or someone picks on my baby!)

Funny thing about all MY anxiety is that it has nothing to do with school. I know that. It has to do with change. It’s another step in watching you grow up and for me that’s hard. I love being your mommy, I love taking care of you, and I know that if I am doing my job right that you will grow, and become more independent with each year. So far so good. And Kindergarten represents a really big step. So your mom may need to be cut some slack….sorry.

I wish so many things for you at school. Tomorrow marks the first day of many first days of school ahead. You will meet new friends, you will like some teachers and there will be some that you don’t. It’s OK. You will struggle with some things and some things will be a breeze. No matter what know that when you come home that I’m here. Always…..

Someday when I show you these posts I may surprise you (or not), to know that after I put you to sleep tonight, and kiss you goodnight I will struggle not to cry (although I probably will come downstairs and do so). Some days it’s so hard for me to be strong for you and this is one of them. I know that if you see me sad that it will all be worse so I promise to do my best. I thank goodness for sunglasses tomorrow morning because they are my only hope.

Tomorrow dear boy I will put my heart on that bus and hope that it’s taken care of. You WILL be fine. I WILL be fine. Soon, it will all be the new normal and I will look back on this and remember how I felt. Tomorrow is a big day, and I know you will do great. I love you dear boy with all my heart. It’s just the next step in letting you grow up…..and that’s hard.