When we started our journey to become parents the second time around I knew that I wanted to share things on my blog. I like putting things out there and I really like the responses I get from my readers. When we began I had no idea where the journey would take us. I couldn’t have guessed I’d get pregnant so fast, I never would’ve thought I would have suffered a second miscarriage, and I really never thought I would be six cycles in post miscarriage and not pregnant…AGAIN. Even though it’s all sad and uncomfortable I find myself in a familiar place. Although different from the first time around I still recognize all that I am feeling, but there is a recent development that has brought me to a brand new spot. With it came a ton of new thoughts and even more new feelings. The other week The Captain and I took a big step and visited a fertility specialist. There…I said it and put it out there. How did we get here?

When you are open about your TTC journey you get a lot of opinions. I find comfort in sharing things with others, and I like hearing their opinions, but in truth it can be overwhelming. After much thought we decided that seeing a specialist may be good. I use the term “we” lightly because Captain Awesome left the decision mostly up to me. Not because he didn’t care, but because he worried about what it would mean for me emotionally and psychologically. Most of the “next step” would fall on me, so he felt that I needed to fully be on board. And I was…I thought…

So I made the appointment at Long Island IVF. After that I panicked. Was it the right choice? Am I there yet? What will they tell me? Am I prepared to do what is necessary to maybe get pregnant? Did I do it all too soon? Maybe. Yes…No…I don’t know! If it wasn’t for my two miscarriages I don’t think I wouldn’t have made the appointment, but the fact that there could be something medically wrong with me was always in the back of my mind. I had to know that everything was OK…so I kept the appointment.

I cried. I never realized how emotional I would be about making the appointment but I guess I was. I feel like it represented so many things about my journey. I almost cancelled the appointment a few times. After hearing what some processes involved I didn’t know if I was ready to commit. But after talking with friends they reminded me that taking the first appointment didn’t mean I HAD to do anything at all. So I kept it. I also felt a bit of relief. Relief that in some way shape or form these doctors are there to make sure I get pregnant, and I knew they would do what it took to get me my dream of being a mom again.

Without going into too much detail I will say that I was very happy with my appointment, and I was glad I kept it. There was no pressure and I was so happy that they didn’t make me feel broken. The kept it to seeing if there was any problems medically or physically that would cause this trouble getting pregnant and from there they left it all up to me. They didn’t push treatment because if there is nothing medically wrong then sometimes it just takes time. And I liked that. I was happy with that.

At six months in last time I still wasn’t pregnant. It took seven months so I am trying not to be frustrated. The crazy thing is that life is so wonderful otherwise. So now we test, and we wait. In the meantime we go about business as usual. Maybe I will get pregnant on my own in the meantime. That would be great. Even better, now that I am a patient at the fertility place they will monitor my pregnancy closely. I know I will need that both mentally and emotionally the next time around.