gods plan

It’s funny how time moves on whether you realize it or not. It moves quickly and quietly until you decide to stop and take a moment to realize how far you’ve really come. For me recently, it hits me all the time.  I’m not constantly aware of its passing but there are frequent moments where I am forced to sit back in awe at how quickly it all goes by. For me it was the passing if my sons 3rd birthday. Knowing he turned 3 is hard enough but this week marks the week I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. It’s been a year since I got that news and in a year I had dreams about a baby that would never be, and I would then enter that year mark with no baby and no baby in sight. How can that be?

I never thought I would get pregnant last year on my first try. But I Also never thought I’d suffer another miscarriage or have this much trouble conceiving again. I really never believed my son would turn 3 with no other children in site. But it happened. The saying “when people plan God laughs” is constantly in my head. I feel like I have used that saying so often because it seems to be the theme of my life these days. I am a HUGE planner and it just seems I can’t plan for everything no matter how much I wish I could.

The “plan” was to have 3 kids 3 years apart. That was my plan. It was never one agreed upon by both me and Captain Awesome, but it was always how I pictured my life. Now, that will not be. But I refuse to focus beyond this current child that I so desperately want. A child that will be born at the end of next summer or beyond. A child that in the best case scenario would be born almost exactly one year later than the one that was lost.

A year ago we were shocked and surprised to find out a baby would be on it’s way. Now, with no baby, I am left to think about this time last year. With 2013 coming quickly to an end I find myself reflecting alot. 2013 started with a baby on on the way, we sold our home, we bought a new one in a new town, we lost our baby, and the rest of the year was focused on loving our wonderful fantastic son. Most of the time I try to focus on all the good in our lives…which is A LOT! So much good, but every now and again I wallow a bit…

What will next year bring? Who knows…but I am ready to find out.