It’s official. I will yet again be passing the day that was my original due date and am not pregnant. Could I be? Sure…but as of now this month could bring on AF just like every of the 5 months before. It came on fast I guess. August has been looming for a long time in my mind.

If you had told me that we would be at this place again I don’t think I would’ve believed you. Every part of it has been pretty unbelievable. I didn’t believe that I would suffer a second miscarriage. I mean why should I? I had my turn! And after that I didn’t believe that we would struggle to get pregnant again. If stress was an issue last time around I believed that this time I wasn’t stressed. Maybe I am? Who knows.

It doesn’t really help that so many people in my life are due right around the same time I would’ve been. I watched their pregnancies progress, and I will watch them have their dream babies. Why don’t I get my dream? What’s the plan for me? Why is this the journey I have to take? Those are questions only God can answer. I wish he would give me a sign as to why…I have yet to get one.

I am having an amazing summer. I am having fun, and I feel extremely carefree most of the time. I enjoy having the energy to play with my son, and I know looking back this one on one time will be cherished, but I am ready for the next step. Am I allowed to say that?

I can’t believe it’s been almost 9 months since this phase of our parenting journey began. NINE MONTHS! It’s pretty unreal. Some days I feel like it has sped by and on others, like during the two week wait it feels like time couldn’t go any slower. You’d think I would get used to it all by now? Can you ever get used to it?  I almost expect AF to show up now. But no matter fast or slow I always hoped that by this date I would be already pregnant. Somehow I think this day would’ve felt a little better. Not that it would take the place of the baby we lost, but at least we would be a little closer to reaching our dream of becoming parents again.

I guess I just wanted to say hello to August 15th. You are a day that could’ve/should’ve been very different. Sometimes I look down at my belly and imagine it 9 months pregnant. How different these past months would’ve been. It’s hard to even imagine it. How would have I felt? Would I have gotten super fat? Would it have been a boy or a girl? How would I have decorated our 4th bedroom just waiting to become a nursery? The answer to all of those is who knows, and I just can’t dwell on it.

So hello and goodbye to August 15th. A day that brings on so many emotions that I can’t even begin to process them all. As usual I promise to choose happiness over sadness. I will allow myself to feel sorrow and remember our lost baby today, but even more so I will squeeze my son even tighter today. He is my joy, and I know that his smile will get me through this day. It cures all.