Have you ever had a day in which you didn’t actually fail at anything, but still felt like you accomplished nothing? Like, each task you tried to complete got only half way done, and by the end of the day it felt like although you are exhausted, you didn’t accomplish anything? These days I feel like that every day. I wake up every day ready to face the world, and by the end I look around my house and cringe. I feel constantly on edge because I am always rushed, and every task doesn’t get done like I would like it to. It’s a new feeling for me. I don’t remember it being this way when I had my son. Now, throw in my daughter and BAM! I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s having two kids, or our ridiculous schedule. I am hoping that I just need to adjust, but I am not sure. Maybe I am just losing it. That fact scares me.
I am a planner by nature. I love it. I love knowing what comes next, and being fully involved in making my days go like I want them to. It’s who I am. But in an act to keep my son busy, along with too many necessary activities I think I am over planned. It’s so much in and out of the car. Thus far Tessa has just gone along with it, but now it’s more and more important that she gets to nap at home. Is that so bad? New goal? One nap at home. Wishful thinking?
Nursing. That adds another activity. Since we are post the 6 month point we are at 5 times a day (if we include the 1 time she wakes in the middle of the night). Then there is real food to be spoon fed 3 times a day. May not seem like a task but trust me it is….
Those are things that just HAVE to get done. I am used to playing and doing what my son wants….all the time. Right wrong or indifferent it’s just how it was. Now, I always feel like there is something else I have to do and it makes me sad. “mommy play with me” “sorry hun, I have to feed your sister”. “mommy play with me” “sorry love, let me just put in some laundry”. And on it goes. So I feel bad…then we play. But when I play with Christian, Tessa needs to be put down somewhere, or she just eats and gets things she just shouldn’t have. She doesn’t like that too much…so she cries, and I have to get her and stop playing. So we wait till nap time, and I play. But in my mind I am thinking about all I could accomplish during nap. Work, laundry, clean….so many things. But he comes first, and that stuff waits.
Everything is done half As$ed. EVERYTHING! I can’t remember dates, I forget so many things and it’s frustrating. It’s just not me. I’ve never been the wife with the clean house, or laundry all put away. It was never me, but I was always the mom who gave 100% to my kid during the day. Now, that 100% is split between 2 kids, and then I feel guilty about all I am not doing as a wife, homemaker, maid, chef and so on. It stinks to feel like you are failing at your job. It’s just how I feel recently and it’s hard.
I am hoping it will all come together soon. I am hoping that when summer comes and my son no longer has his services he HAS to get to that it will get easier. I am ready for a break. I hope summer gives me that. Maybe then I won’t always feel so rushed…or maybe I will.