This is a public service announcement for anyone and everyone that comes across a woman who is TTC. I figure it is my duty to publicly make this announcement, since when conversations on this topic arise in the real world, women are forced to just smile and bare it when someone tries to offer up this horrid advice. But, from experience, and by speaking to others I am here to tell you all, that THE LAST THING any woman wants to hear EVER…let alone when she is TTC …is that all she needs to do is RELAX.
This my friends may be hard to hear, and please if you have ever said this to me, please don’t think I am referring to you alone. Trust me, it is a common bit of advice. But ladies, think it through…have you ever been in an argument with your spouse, only to have him tell you to relax?? How awful is that? And what does it do to you when he says those words? It makes you do anything but RELAX!
Normally, if a friend is talking to you about any TTC struggles or stress she isn’t looking for any sort of advice. Most of the time she just wants to say it out loud, and talk and put it out there. On the boards I follow there are actually many threads that discuss what come back to give when someone tells them “You know I’ve heard that if you just relax it will happen”. You should hear some responses, and I am telling you that you wouldn’t want to be on the end of one of those responses. It will be embarrassing to you for making this person so upset and angry, and embarrassing for them for having lost their cool. So let’s look at this post at me just trying to help you out!
I’ll be honest. I do believe that in some cases just relaxing can have great power, but that is advice I am not looking to get. Even the words “it will happen when it’s supposed to” is a sucker punch to the gut because I am left wondering…why isn’t it supposed to happen now? Personally, I am not sure the better route to take. A: talking about TTC to others and getting the “relax” response, or B: keeping it bottled up inside so that you don’t have to hear about it. I personally choose to go with C: getting it all out through my blog, and that way I don’t run the risk of having someone tell me to relax…if a comment such as that comes across I get to just delete it! oh the joys of running a blog!
I hope I have opened your eyes in some way. I totally get that you are just trying to help, and I totally get that there aren’t many other pieces of advice that you can think to offer. But I am letting you off the hook. No advice is needed when it comes to this topic. All you have to do is listen…and my friend…that is just enough. This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Ok TTC friends…here’s your chance to throw out those responces you have been dying to say to someone who told you to RELAX. Take your shot!
I know how you feel. We experienced secondary infertility – and we eventually sought a specialist (after two failed specialists) – who was bright, graduated from Harvard, John Hopkins and Mayo Clinic all in women’s issues. There was a problem and relaxing was not going to solve it!
4 boys later, it gets really annoying when people say, “Don’t you know how that happens.”
And you say, “Let me tell you exactly how this happens – I’m a specialist now with all the fertility information I know.” That pretty much closes their mouths, but I have to feel pretty surly to answer that way.
Great PSA!!!
One of my patients came up with the best analogy for this one… being told to relax when TTC is like being asked if you are pregnant when you have temporarily become a little ‘overweight’. As a woman, really, is there ANYTHING WORSE!?
May I suggest your next PSA @afterthealter is help people be aware and stop asking the question: “So, when are you guys having a baby?” or passing the comment “you’re taking your time…!?” or “aren’t you next…?!”
The number of very distressed patients I see that (rightly so) just want to burst into tears when submitted to any of the above after they’ve been married for years and have been trying so hard without the desired outcome to have a baby is very high.
Great tip: If one is not sure of what is happening for a couple as far as pregnancy, conception and having a baby goes because the couple is avoiding the topic by not sharing specifics or talking about it… The strategies discussed above are not very good ways of finding out.
All very true Gabriela! It is definitely a Taboo topic. I think the best idea is to let the person bring it up to you. I might have to do the PSA you mentioned. So far I have been lucky that the people in my life haven’t pushed the issue. By having a miscarriage they know that we “want” to be pregnant, so I think that stops them from bringing it up!
i know exactly what you mean, there comes a time, when no matter what people say, or how they ‘try’ to help, they just never get the words quite right!
I have even written about this one myself, my favorite has always been – take a holiday!!
Chasing miracles what a great post! (readers please click her link) I like this quote “When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion” Dale Carnegie How perfect is that? it’s true. We are so emotional! People need to realize that. And I will admit I am not infertile…I did get pregnant…but it’s still hard. LIke you asid..people mean well..they just never get the words right.
Bluecotton memory…sometimes people just deserve answers like that! I’m happy to hear you are a success story!
It’s like when a person is depressed and people tell her/him to activate him/herself.
So many people who’ve been trough depression say that it’s the worse thing to say…
You love comments you wrote on SITS page,
you got one from me! ?
Have a great day!
I haven’t been TTC yet, but I can imagine that this would be an incredibly irritating thing to hear. I’m just not going to tell anyone. (Although I assume the questions are going to start like 5 minutes after we get married.)
You know, when we first were TTC we didn’t tell anyone! But now, after the miscarriage people know that we want to have a baby…so it’s kind of out there. I’d say you have some time after you get married before people start to ask!
Oh my goodness!!! Finally someone says it! Haha. I’m coming over from SITS! Well, said. It’s so frustrating. We’ve never really announced that we are TTC and currently are, but aren’t. Even still people know that we want a family and being LDS, immediately following the nuptials, people start asking when you want to get pregnant. And no matter what answer you give they always say, “Well, it will happen when it’s supposed to.” YA THINK! I’m mean really. It’s really more likely to happen when it’s not supposed to. Haha. Okay, now that that’s off my chest. Haha.
Ha! So true! I think it is more likely to happen when it’s not supposed to!! Good luck in your efforts;)
I understand, it’s like when people tell you not to worry, it will happen when you don’t think about it. Even if it’s true in some cases, how is that helpful??
BTW, I tagged you on my blog because I really enjoy reading yours!
I do hate when people say ” Just relax, it will happen”. Especially after two miscarriage. This our challenge right now in life, we all unfortunately will go through challenges in life wether it be marriage, death, ilness, being alone & etc. This is my challenge I realized. This challenge I will fight for!! So when people say “just relax it will happen” I think it is good to say this is my challenge which I will fight for and not just relax and take it easy!
Stopping in from SITS…great post! My sis inlaw is going through the same thing…sort of! She doesnt want to have a baby yet and is constantly being asked when they plan to have kids! Im trying to take the pressure off of her by continuously having children, I mean Im on my third in 3 yrs….this can only last so long though! hehe
Good luck!
I have been there. Oh, and how I hated that advice.
Came over from SITS.
I apologize since I am one of those friends who have said to you “Relax” and “It will happen when it’s supposed to”. Really, it’s out of our hands and in the Big Man’s. Next time I’ll just listen ?
Hellllooo lady….I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!! I had been trying for two years…had two losses…and NOBODY knows what to say other than “relax”…and “you are still so young”
Stephanie I just checked out your blog and I am so happy to see that you are pregnant! Especially after all you have been through! Good luck at your appt Friday! I hope you never have to hear “relax” again!
i was so embarrassed when it took us longer to conceive than we were anticipating. i made a list of things that i would never say again to someone, and this was on it.
i really like what gabriela said. now i NEVER inquire about someone’s baby plan, even if they already have children. you have no idea what nerve you might touch.
and let me clarify: i should NOT have been embarrassed, but i was. there are so many emotions that crop up when you’re TTC and not all of them are rational.
like when you want to full-on strangle the person who tells you to relax. in a normal situation, not so rational. when TTC, perfectly logical.
You remind me of a good point. I have asked this one couple who already have a kid when the next one is coming…I am totally breaking my own rules! Thank you for pointing that out. I never want to make anyone feel bad. And you are right, it is a totally irrational emotional thing…the person who says these things most likely only wants to help, but like you said your response is to want to strangle them!
(My ignorance tagging me by the skirt- but) What is TTC? I’m new around. I like SITS but I want to clear my way around so we could properly relate to each other. Thanks.
But what I know, once confronted with someone who is in big trouble and needs help, almost always, you have million good words in mind that not one comes out clean. There comes a point that to say “Relax” is even scary for fear that you might complicate ruffled feelings.
Oh man, I feel ya girl! I hated that and I wasn’t ttc as long… It’s annoying but people just don’t know.. I think they don’t know what to say… I’m so glad I learned from experience how annoying that is though so I never make that mistake!
Ya..I guess in the scheme of women who are considered infertile my 5 months is nothing, but after a miscarriage and KNOWING I can get pregnant, its frustrating that it’s taking this long. It’s a lesson I have learned not to say to others either.
It is quite annoying. I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “those folks who ‘just relaxed’ and got pregnant were never infertile in the first place, and you try to relax when you have appointments with a specialist nearly once a week, and what’s relaxing going to do when there’s a medical issue preventing us from getting pregnant”. If they dont get the hint at that, then all bets are off. Sounds mean, but that person never tells you to relax again.
Oh, and just because you’ve been TTC for 5 months doesn’t make your journey any less painful. It just makes it cheaper in regards to medical bills ?
Thanks Jin! I guess I always feel like I SHOULDN’T be worried after this amount of time since I know so many that have been dealing longer…but I think it’s the miscarriage that really threw me off. That just showed me that I CAN get pregnant, so why can’t I anymore?? I personally LOVE what you say to people and I think it’s a very good answer. They deserve to hear it in my opinion. Thanks for commenting!