question mark

I am a forward thinker. Right, wrong or indifferent I always think ahead. I like plans, I know to know what’s coming and if I don’t…I freak out. The funny thing is that most things in life can’t be planned. You can try, but it’s like the saying goes “when people plan…God laughs”. So this planner gets laughed at a lot. It’s rough, but it’s just how I work. The what if’s in life make my head spin daily. I never claimed to be a sane person…but I don’t’ consider myself insane either. As a matter of fact I rationalize it all pretty well. I have reasons for thinking ahead. I makes sense to me, but sometimes life’s “what if’s” make me a little stressed out and crazy…this is one of those times.

With out going back too far I can think of 2 times in my life that I was driven crazy by what if’s. The first is waiting to get engaged, and the second was TTC after my miscarriage. Both times were extremely stressful for different reasons, and both of those times, even though they ended up working out, took a lot out of me. The current “what if” going on in my life is the selling of our home.

There are so many factors these days that I feel like we are in such limbo. I don’t know when we will sell, and when we do sell how what will we do? We have so many great and wonderful options that others don’t have (ie 2 sets of parents willing to take us in), but no matter what we are left homeless. That freaks me out. I can forget about selling for a moment and discuss what happens when we actually do SELL! That means we actually have to leave this wonderful home of ours! YIKES!

I have taken up sleep walking again. Just the other day I experienced a first by “sleep CALLING” my husband. Yup, I called him from the upstairs while he was down. I’m a nut! Why did this happen? Because I have way too many thoughts going through my head. What if we don’t sell? What if we do? Where will we live? Where do I want to live? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I don’t love any homes? What if I THINK I love a place and then hate it? What if our neighbors are horrible? See? I am a nut job.

Like I said I can rationalize it all. To me, thinking about all this allows me to truly make decisions on a knowledgeable basis. I think it all through…cover all my bases. In the end I think it’s good to think it all out. I’m not going to lie. Someone in the relationship needs to do the worrying. In ours its certainly me. But all that thinking can be exhausting.

So I am exhausted. I know it will be a little time before I feel settled again, but isn’t that what life is about? The adventure? As much as I’d like to know what is going to happen in my life (I honestly wish that sometimes), I also am trying to enjoy the ride. Having my son by my side is a positive. Captain Awesome on the other hand is so la di da about things that it drives me crazy..but I guess one of us has to keep the other calm. So the “what If’s” continue….

What now?