In today’s world there is a HUGE battle that women are fighting. It’s the battle between the stay at home moms and the working moms. I myself am neither of these yet, but I wanted to weigh in on the issue as an outsider first. Maybe someday I will look back on this post and have different opinions, but for now I feel very strongly about what is best for me, and I wanted to talk about it. But what is best for me isn’t necessarily the point of this post…this post is more to talk about why women are so inclined to judge each other….why must there be this battle?
Stay At Home Moms (SAHM) vs. Working Moms: The Battle Begins
Last week I was watching the Dr. Phil show. I don’t normally watch his show, but my mom was visiting from out of town and told me that this particular show was about SAHM vs. Working moms. I always find this topic to be interesting since I myself dream of being a SAHM and truly valued and was blessed by the fact that my mom was a SAHM. While watching I was completely appalled. Not only did Dr. Phil do a HORRIBLE job of remaining unbiased (favoring working moms), the women on the show were pretty much ready to cat fight!
I will be the first to admit that I have trouble keeping opinions to myself and sometimes judge others for the choices that they make. I am not proud of this, but it’s true. Some may get mad at me for saying this, but I believe that I would be a better mother if I were a SAHM. I personally don’t believe that I could be the best mom possible if I had to work outside of the home. If I had a choice there is no way that I would CHOOSE to work. I would CHOOSE to put all my efforts to my children, and I would sacrifice all I could to be able to do this. To be honest, I find myself baffled by women who do choose to work, but after watching the women go back and forth I realized that when it comes to this issue, how can I be so self righteous? How can I judge other women for the choices?
The woman who writes the blog Dooce.comappeared on that particular Dr. Phil show. I already had been following her blog, but loved what she had to say on the show. Don’t quote me here, but her basic beliefs are that even though she is a SAHM, which is her choice, she believes that women should band together rather than judge each other, and I am beginning to agree with her.
Why are we so quick to judge? What works for one woman/family may not work for another. And this is something we should all keep in mind the next time we open our mouth to put another woman down…I may have some trouble with this, but I am going to try to do my best. Isn’t accepting you have a problem the first step???
Hmmm…the Mommy wars. I despise Dr. Phil and these shows are one of the reasons why.
The #1 reason I do not look forward to dealing with moms in Leah’s school is because of the working mom v stay at home mom arguments. Many of the SAHMs have a holier than thou attitude about “being at home” so therefore that must mean they are better mothers. Many of the working mothers also have a pretty shitty attitude as well and look down at SAHMs.
I work outside the home and am proud to do so. I CHOOSE to. I don’t have to. I am sure we could figure out a way to come out on top financially if I didn’t work but honestly I did the stay-at-home mom thing and it wasn’t for me.
I like being able to have the extras for my kid & family and I like that with baby #2 on the way that I don’t have to go to my partner for money to purchase the things I need to get ready for the baby’s arrival. Due to the extra income I bring in it isn’t the major financial burden/hurdle it could be if I didn’t work. Why should we struggle when I can work and make it so that we don’t have to struggle?
I love that when Leah wanted to take a gymnastics’s class I didn’t need to worry about where to come up with the extra 500 bucks for the class. I like that I do not need to depend on my partner for these things or that he has to feel the pressure/burden of having to figure out a way to budget for the extras. I like that I don’t have to scrimp and save for our necessities and/or desires. We budget, cut coupons, save money and keep the wants list in check. We don’t live beyond our means. It isn’t like we aren’t doing all the same things that households with one working parent do.
I was given the choice to be a SAHM and was for the first year after Leah was born. After a year or so I needed to go back to work, for my own sanity and because we wanted to get out of renting and buy a house. I didn’t work full-time and spent most days at home with Leah and worked at night. I was happy to contribute financially towards our goals. I was also happy to get some time doing something on my own, where being a mother wasn’t the only dang thing that defined me. Being a mother is wonderful and the best thing I could’ve asked for but it is not the end all be all of my existence.
Why should Matt carry the financial burden when I am fully capable of helping? Perhaps if we didn’t have suitable childcare I would have made a different decision but we’ve been blessed with a wonderful extended family.
We also lucked out when it came to preschool & daycare. Short of being at home Leah could not have been in a better, safer and more loving environment than the one she as in for three years. Sometimes I think she was better off at school. Leah is a smart cookie and even though we do a lot with her at home, the one on one education she got from school from the professionals…I could not have done that. She gained so much from her every day interactions at school, socially and developmentally. There is no way, no how, I could’ve recreated that at home.
I feel that Leah can learn a thing or two from seeing how hard I work to be there for her,for our family, our home and my job. I can’t stand it when I am judged by SAHMs for choosing to work. I don’t want to be June Cleaver.
Just because I work does not mean my family, my children, my home are not priorities. It is all about balance. It does not mean that I love my job more than my children. It does not mean that your children are better off than mine. It also does not mean that you love your kids more than I love my own.
For instance, when I volunteered to be class parent for Leah’s kindergarten class more than a few of the SAHMs said “Oh well you can’t do that. You aren’t capable of that, you work all day. Leave it to the moms who can do a good job.”
This of course wasn’t all the stay-at-home moms but it was enough of them to make me resent the whole situation quite a bit a bit.
Ironically the three class parents are all working moms and we are at all the meetings, PTA Council & Board of Ed meetings. We manage our work lives and are still there for our kids, just as much and if not in many cases MORE so than the SAHMs. I make all of Leah’s dance classes, all her school activities/events. I bake cupcakes for her class. I am there to help the teacher cut apples for their snacks. Does it take a little more planning on my part to be able to do these things? Yes. Is the juggling worth it? Yes.
It isn’t impossible to do. We aren’t faltering in our duties to our kids. Our kids are loved and well cared for just as the stay-at-moms’ children are loved and well cared for.
It is easy to judge and I feel a lot of the judgment comes from a mother’s own guilt. Some mothers who stay home wish they weren’t home and some mothers who work wish they were home. I meet moms on both sides every day.
As mothers we need to support one another, not knock each other down. We are all doing what we feel is best for OUR families. What is best for my family is not what is best for yours.
It reminds me of the formula v breastfeeding debate. Another part of the mommy wars that gets super personal and can lead to a lot of anger and frustration among mothers. It is all so unnecessary. We can help one another and instead we are too busy fighting about what separates us instead of realizing we have a heck of a lot in common.
Thanks for the reply Sol…I think your feelings are kind of what I am talking about. That what you are doing and your choices are what is best for you…it doesn’t affect anyone else so they don’t get an opinion. I am beginning to realize that more and more. I also think that both sides get rather defensive very quick when someone brings up the topic…and that is what starts the fights. The breastfeeding one is another issue that I am sure will spark when the time comes for me…as of now I am very pro breastfeeding…but no one knows how they will act until they are in the situation…
eek that was longer than I intended. Sorry.
I could not disagree more with Meaingfulgrrrl.
Especially this part:
“A lot of taking care of small children is relatively mundane, uninteresting work that can be completed by any adult (changing diapers, feeding, supervising playtime). For college educated women it just seems like a huge waste to stay at home.”
What?! I know some crazy smart & educated women who would not give up those first few years with their children, not if their lives depended on it. There is so much more to child rearing and child development than changing diapers! I don’t remember supervising playtime once in my life. I remember interacting with my child and enjoying the new everyday things my child was learning to do.
And what of the women who aren’t college educated, that type of work is only okay for them? Or are they beneath the college educated women and should be out at McDonalds working a menial labor job instead of at home with the kids?
You do realize that the feminist movement enabled women to choose what they wanted for themselves, some choose to work, some choose not to, some choose to do both.
Why should someone work if they don’t want to and don’t financially have to or need to?
Also the cost of childcare is astronomical, in many families it doesn’t even pay for the mother or father to work because all she is basically doing is working for childcare. That does not seem worthwhile to me at all. There are a growing number of stay-at-home dads right now, it isn’t just women.
These women are not walking stereotypes. There are different kinds of mothers out there, as a society we should support one another, not put each other down.
The choices we make for our families do not necessarily have to fit one mold or one model. I wouldn’t use Leslie Bennett to defend my points, her writing focuses on two things 1) bashing stay-at-home moms and 2) her way is the only right way.
Never mind that she ignores the basic principles of the Feminist movement. That no one should dictate what women should do in the first place.
life is about choices. when the choice is made you will have to live with it. you cant judge everyone. we all try to due our best for our families and there is not one family that is perfect. i quess that i am tried of everyone putting their values on each other.we all need each other to make this world work and our differences are what makes the world go round
I am personally against being a Stay at Home because of the gender differences it involves. Why can’t both parents contribute equally to their child’s life? Also, there are significant sacrifices to staying at home that may not be in the child’s best interest. Wouldn’t it be better for the child to have more money for college, or to attend a better school than have mommy around? What about saving for retirement? Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce – what happens then?
By choosing to be a SAHM a person is endorsing traditional gender roles that are based on the premise that women are inferior to men, and that men are more agentic and capable. It makes it more difficult for other women to advance in the workforce because of those “opting out.”
A lot of taking care of small children is relatively mundane, uninteresting work that can be completed by any adult (changing diapers, feeding, supervising playtime). For college educated women it just seems like a huge waste to stay at home.
Leslie Bennets’ The Feminine Mistake did an amazing job of putting together all of the financial and social reasons against stay-at-home motherhood.
Thank you very much for your comment:) I am doing my best not to go into the reasons why I feel it’s better for women to stay at home with the children. This post isn’t about putting down either side…it’s about getting women to understand that there is no need to judge. Saying that a woman who chooses to stay at home is endorsing traditional gender roles seems to be passing judgement….What if I like traditional gender roles? (which I do) Am I less of a woman because I believe that? There are pros and cons of both sides…that is the main point….and we as women should recognize that. There is never 1 RIGHT answer….what works for you is what is right.
I was a stay at home Mom for a number of years and would not trade them for anything. I loved being home when my kids ran though the door from school eager to tell me about what happened in their day or to be able to drive them from school if they had an after school activity. I loved being the PTA president and the cookie Mom for Girl Scouts. I can’t imagine being able to volunteer as much as I did and work outside the home too. That would have stressed me out. I truly feel that I was the lucky one able to stay home for so many years and help my kids grow up. I find now when I’m at work, if there is a problem with one of our kids, I have a hard time focusing at work – any my older kids are in their twenties! I don’t know how I would have handled that when the kids were young if I worked then.
Our house is not the biggest, but with only one child still at home, we realize that it’s just the right size.
Sometimes the best things in life are not things. And often with children, quantity of time is just as important as “quality time”. (IMHO of course!)
Thanks for sharing Kathie:) I agree with your sentiments. I am sure your kids loved having you home just as much as I loved having my mom home. It truly is a blessing.
I am a SAHM and proud of it. I have never judged working moms for working. That is your choice and right to make and none of my business to say that you shouldn’t.
However, I am appalled to hear a mother say that…“A lot of taking care of small children is relatively mundane, uninteresting work that can be completed by any adult (changing diapers, feeding, supervising playtime). For college educated women it just seems like a huge waste to stay at home.”
I am a college educated woman who made the choice to stay home with my children. Now I was in a position to do that without make huge financial sacrifices since we built our home ourselves and have no mortgage…that happened because we waited to marry and then waited four more years to have a baby.
As for the other part of the comment…it being relatively mundane and uninteresting work…maybe the bigger question you should be asking is why would you even want to have children. I am not attacking you here, I just can’t understand how any mother would not cherish those moments while feeding your baby. After all they don’t stay little forever. But since I just checked out your blog and noticed that you are neither married or a mother yet, I guess you have time to figure it all out.
Thanks for the comment Christy! I can only imagine how wonderful those little daily moments are with your child. They certainly don’t seem mundane to me either. ?
I think “mom” says it perfect. Everyone has different beliefs and situations. I am a school teacher and I think I will work when I have kids, but I honestly don’t know until I am in the position. But whatever works best for your family is the right choice!
Very interesting! I am intrigued that a complete stranger (both to me personally and to my way of life) would have such strong opinions about my choices. I’m a little hot under the collar about one of the comments in particular but I am learning how to keep my mouth shut. It’s just such a shame that we have to argue about these things instead of helping each other, no matter your choice. And, even among SAHMs, there is a quiet battle about homeschooling vs. private school vs. public school. So much time and energy is wasted by all this.-
Are you referring to the post having strong opinions, or the commentors having strong opinions?
Sitting here reading all of this. I am a working mom of an 8 year old. I stayed home with my son for 4 months when he was born, and, another 4 months from 14-18 months…best time ever.
I have a BS and a good career. Feeling like my “career” is more like a “job” these days. Feel that I am missing out and my son is growing up too fast. Lucky enough to have flexible hours and attend school functions, football, etc; however, It’s not enough.
We’ve been figuring out our fiances and I plan to resign in June. Will stay on per diem just to keep skills up. I can not wait!!
I am a strong-willed go getter and have done very well in career. Somethings missing and I discovered it was having more time with my son. No amount of money can buy back time.
I look forward to family dinner which I will be happy to prepare. I want my son to come to ME and tell ME how his day was, not our babysitter (who is an absolute Angel).
I can live without material things if need be. I know tis is right for me anf my family. No has to justify why they stay home or feel guilty that they work. Ladies, we don’t all get the luxury of choice. For those that do get the choice, go with the choice that is right in your heart. THAT will be the right choice.
wow that was so well said!! Thank you! I totally agree with you that money can’t buy time…so true. I am so glad that you are going to be able to be home with your son. I am already preparing w/ my husband how I am able to be home when we have kids. I will give up whatever I have to in order to do so. But like you said, there isn’t always a choice, and you have to do what’s right for you…Thank you for commenting!
I just want to point out that working in child care requires a degree. Unless you are a “helper” or teacher’s assitant in the room.
I went to college for 4 years at a good school for elementary education and child psychology. I hated teaching. I decided my skills were put to better use doing child care. I feel like that is what I am meant to do. That is where I can make the biggest impact on children. I am really good at it. I know it is not valued by many. That’s obvious by what it pays and how it often does not include health benefits.
After college I was offered a job running a before and after school care program for school-age children that was within a daycare. My job required a degree.
You even need a degree to be the head teacher in the baby and toddler rooms.
Maybe that is different for other states, but I just wanted to point that out.
I left that daycare and began my own before and after school child care business out of my house because my husband and I are adopting a baby and I want to be home with that baby, but also continue working. Best of both worlds. ?
And I would like to say that I have worked with many different kinds of families through the years. Some awesome parents are working parents. I mean just absolutely great parents. But, then there are the parents who work to get away from their kids and when they get home they count down the minutes until they can put them to bed. They even request at daycare that the kids have short naps so they go to bed earlier. They’re also the parents that still bring their child to daycare when they have a day off. Or what they get out of work early, they do things by themselves and then still pick their child up at closing time. It’s less about whether you work or not, and more about how you are with your kids when you are not working. There is value to both choices.
I think thats great you run a day care out of your home! My husband always reminds me that I work from home so we are lucky that I cna keep a job. I remind him that I’m in sales and I don’t want my $$ to make or break our mortgage..lol…but we aren’t there yet. But I can agree that it depends on the parents 100%
Just thought I’d chirp in with how disgusted I also am by how much women on both ends of this issue are judging each other. There are several factors that each side is ignoring that would make any particular woman’s (and family’s) situation different from another’s, such as (1) actual income amounts and sources in that family, (2) the skill set of both parents, (3) what makes each individual parent feel fulfilled, (4) how each individual parent defines success for his- or herself, and (5) other resources that may or may not be available to that family.
I am not yet a mom, although I wish I were. I have a graduate degree-I’m an attorney-and at age 32, I quit my more-than-full-time, crazy-stress job as an associate at a large law firm office downtown. I now have a tiny little, part-time, solo practice I run from home, but I frankly spend more time volunteering, taking care of my health and fertility, writing, and helping my husband, parents and grandparents improve their quality of life. I left a high-paying career in favor of this, frankly, because I could-my husband makes more money than me, plenty even for our future family, and I wasn’t enjoying my job. I primarily consider myself a home manager. If my husband ever lost his job and had trouble getting another, I’d certainly go back to a full-fledged legal career to support my family.
I have friends who do have kids that stayed in the smae job I left because either they needed the money, or because they loved it, or a combination of the two. Sometimes they think I’m crazy for leaving, and sometimes they’re jealous of my new focus in life.
I have no opinion of the way they conduct their lives, the situation is different for everyone, and none of us can know all the details of another’s situation. I think the important thing to remember is that each of us will do whatever it takes at the time to make sure our family thrives. If moms and wives could stop this silly argument, we could pool our collective knowledge, energy and skills and have an amazing exchange of information and support.
I think I’ve blabbed long enough. lol.
I think that people need to do what’s right for them. That’s why it’s bad to “judge” I may disagree with another’s choices, but it’s not my place to judge. It sounds like you are happy doing what you are doing now, and that’s what is most important. I remind my husband of this. I don’t make tons of $$ but I like to consider myself a “home manager” too! So I like to focus on that!
I was meandering around the web, and stumbled across this post, which was very interesting to me, because I find this debate to be interesting as well. I have a bit of an investment however, having been both. Out of choice, I have been a SAHM, out of no choice, I have been a working Mom. I would be a SAHM right now if I could. I do everything I can, to get back to the SAHM state. I also agree with you wholeheartedly that Moms must stick together. I blog in tandem with a SAHM, and we support each other as we can. Its a really wonderful way to go about motherhood. I don’t know why some moms feel such animosity towards each other based on this situation.
Just stumbled onto this great article and what prompted me to even Google this is a event experience I had at my daughter’s school. I am a working dad whose job affords lots of flexibility and, as a result, I’m often able to join my daughter for class parties, etc. Wow – not even sure where to start. The SAHMs there would not even acknowledge my presence – it was as if I was invading their territory. I tried several times to make small-talk and was pretty much ignored. Not sure if it was a gender thing, or a working not working thing, but definitely made me feel very uncomfortable. Just my two cents…
I’m a SAHM by choice!! I love it!!!! I don’t have to work. My Husband makes an amazing living. I think that makes a big difference. I also read that some moms work because they don’t like asking for money?! Wow. In my family it’s called ” our money” we have joint accounts. I don’t have to ask for lunch money. If I want to spend $700 on clothes, I just do it. No questions asked. I have my own SUV. If I had to be a sahm w no car & little money I would definitely get a job. I would be miserable. I’m always out with my children who are 2 under 2. We go to museums, parks, malls, zoo’s, festivals, etc. I bake, sew, scrapbook, cook, shop, meet up w my girlfriends once a week, etc. I love being there for my children. I love knowing that my children are safe, healthy, & happy.