Maybe it started when I started to have 2 talking children, maybe I am just over the school year or maybe I am just failing at handling so many things at once, but recently I have found myself yelling at my children more than I had ever thought I would. I actually prided myself in not being a yeller when I only had 1 kid. Some friends would comment on how I never yell and I would think “well I don’t feel like I ever have to”. But now, now I have 2 kids who want something at the same time all the time they are together. 2 kids that don’t understand that mommy sometimes needs a moment, and I have 2 kids that for some reason refuse to not start with eachother at my most crabby times of the day. I can only say “Please don’t tease your sister”, or “Please don’t torment your brother” before I have to yell. I’m not proud. Not by far. As a matter of fact I feel horrible after the fact. But I snap, and then I probably internally suffer more than they do. Why is that?
The before school mornings are rough. Maybe that’s why I am looking forward to summer so much. We have to get up and out, and as a stay at home mom that means a lot later than working moms have to be out the door, but I still struggle. Most of the time I underestimate how long it takes, and you’d think that by day 155 (Ok I’m estimating) of the school year I’d get it but I don’t. No one wants to get dressed, no one wants to brush their teeth and no one wants to listen. It is then that I am frustrated and get testy. I feel like I don’t listen, and I don’t get to smile and laugh as much as I’d like. I have to be the mommy who gets her children out the door. It makes me sad because Christian never had to get out the door early. We lounged and relaxed and had “pj days”. But Tessa needs to be up and out. So when she hesitates I feel bad that I have to snap my fingers and make her move. My boy on the other hand has to be out of the house all day at FDK (that I fought for) and just wants to play with his imaginex figures and I get testy and frustrated that he’s leaving me with a mess…..again the guilt! On stressful mornings I normally give extra hugs before my boy gets on the bus to remind him how much I love him. He shouldn’t go to school feeling the stress of the morning.
Let’s take last night. I have 2 kids in the bath and hoping for a moment of content play so that I can straighten up a bit. Then the fighting starts. What is it over? A pretend bath paint roller. They both want it of course. So I poke my head in and say ” can you please stop fighting” and then it continues. I hear screaming and splashing and in my head I picture one of my children’s head pushed under the water and I bust into the bathroom and scream. “BOTH OF YOU GET OUT!” “THAT’S ENOUGH!” My boy of course looks upset because he hates when I get upset. She doesn’t seem as upset but the bottom lip comes out. Both stand up and I give them towels. I know he wants to explain how it’s her fault and I know it probably is, but I just lost it. I hated every second. I hated that my daughter asked “Mommy are you mad?” and I said yes. I mostly hate that I know my boy feels so very guilty when I get upset. He didn’t mean it and I didn’t mean to yell. I wish she had a little more of that, but she also never knew what type of mommy I was with only 1 kid. I certainly didn’t lose my temper as much, and she gets the down side of that deal. Again with the guilt…..
I know, I know you will tell me that all moms yell. I get it, and I am sure most feel guilty afterwards too. Or maybe you don’t and will say that it’s all a part of being a parent. I just know that I feel guilty. I know many of the times I am taking on too much, or thinking about other things. I also know that I am being too hard on myself and what I consider yelling probably isn’t that at all. I just hope the memories my kids have are all good ones, and that my stress doesn’t carry over to them too much. It’s kids being kids, and a mom just being a mom…..all pretty normal I guess. But I don’t like it. I’m not a yeller and don’t want to be one. Maybe I need to focus on the Seinfeld mantra….. “Serenity now!”