I have kept things pretty quiet regarding our current TTC journey. Why? Oh I don’t know…to be honest I just don’t even know what to say. I shared pretty much everything when we were TTC before Christian. Then, it was all new…but now? I feel like I have been here before, and that scares me. I can’t believe we are back to this place. I feel like history is repeating itself. We get pregnant with out trying, only for it to end up in loss…then after….nothing. Back to the place of uncertainty and doubt, and back to crushed dreams of being pregnant. The only difference is that this time I have my sunshine in my life. My little man. That helps ALOT, but what it doesn’t help with are the thoughts and dreams that go through my head each month during the 2 week wait. My mind still drifts there no matter how busy I keep myself. I just can’t help it.
I promise you I am doing good. I really am. I know these things take time…trust me…everyone and their mother like to remind me. But that doesn’t make the 2 week wait any easier. For those that don’t know the 2 week wait is the 2 weeks in between ovulation and when you should get your period. Or in my case, when I don’t want to get it. During this time there is nothing left for you to do. You either succeeded in your goal of becoming pregnant, or you didn’t. Everything is out of your hands. That means for two weeks you are left wondering what happened. That’s when you begin to dream.
When you actually WANT to become pregnant you know when this period begins. I tell myself that it’s no big deal, but how do you lie to yourself? You really can’t. So there is one half of me saying “you totally did it this time” and the other half is saying “don’t get your hopes up. It probably didn’t work”. Those two halves then begin to battle it out.
That’s when my mind begins playing tricks on me. You could ask me…do you FEEL like you are pregnant? My answer will always be yes. My body tricks me all the time. Case in point I have not become pregnant these last 2 months and both months I could swear “this is it!”. I try to remember when it felt like when I found out I was pregnant back in December, but I can’t. Why? Probably because it was such a shock and I wasn’t thinking about it. Nothing stands out…so maybe if I’m pregnant I feel normal? Who knows.
The worst part is planning to be pregnant. It’s the thoughts of…well if I am pregnant then this will happen. It’s hard not to think that way. Each month I figure out the estimated due date, the time when I would find out the sex, and what plans I have in the coming months and how far along I’d be for them. I play make believe in my head, and I picture it all happening. Then, I take a pregnancy test, or find out from my acupuncturist that it’s a no go and it’s back to square one.
I feel a sense of relief after those two weeks are over. For now I am able to just move on and make a new dream. I say for now because I know eventually it will get harder and harder to not be crushed each month. I know that all too well. For now, I’m OK. It hasn’t consumed me, and that’s good. It’s just those two weeks of the unknown that leaves me feeling a little out of sorts.
So to recap…I’m still not pregnant. Friends, you can stop watching if I am drinking or not. For now..assume I will have as many cocktails as I want until I no longer can. That’s one positive right? I will enjoy my summer. It’s my favorite time of year and I will embrace that. As we start a new cycle I have a couple weeks to just go with the flow until I am left to wait again. Tis the nature of the beast, and I will try not to let it get the best of me.