I was watching the biggest loser, and during the show one contestant was crying in her audition tape about feeling fat, and not sexy for her husband…it then zoomed in on her husband who was in no way thin and balding. Why isn’t he crying about not feeling sexy for his wife?? Why is it that women look in the mirror and put themselves down and men look in the mirror and feel sexy?
Women are always putting themselves down. It’s true. Even if you are the skinniest little thing in the world…a woman still looks in the mirror and points out her flaws. I’m too fat, I’ve got a big nose, my hair is awful…it doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just always something. If men put on weight they high five each other and call it a “beer gut”. It’s something that they take pride in. Gray hair, recedinghair line? All just maturing with age. Women on the other hand….diet till their end of days, color their hair, and take precious time to apply make up each and every day. Look at the whole Tiger Woods fiasco!? All anyone keeps saying is “but his wife is so beautiful”. Why? Is it ok to cheat on an ugly wife?? Would that have made more sense?
The Captain and my dad seem to think it’s in our genetic make up as women to desire to be attractive. I personally think it’s all gotten worse with media always showing unrealistic standards. But either way it is what it is. For example, before my wedding I was on a very strict weight watchers diet. I lost a bunch of weight, because I wanted to look back at my wedding pictures and know that I looked the best that I ever would look. And I’m glad I did because I felt amazing, and loved being able to wear a bikini on the honeymoon! The Captain?? No effort at all! Nada!
So what is the phenomena all about? Can you shed some light on this issue for me?? Anyone?
Well, lets be real. There is more pressure on women to be beautiful just like there is more pressure on men to be successful. Unfortunate but true. If you were to put a man in a room of super wealthy self made men, I doubt he would be proud to flaunt his paycheck. For the same reason we have issues flaunting our bodies…we are surrounded by images of the super beautiful.
I wrote a post about my Big Bountiful Butt, which is my manifesto to start loving my body. Sometimes we, as women, just have to draw the line.
Stopping by from SITs.
What a grea analogy Tina. I think you are totally right! Men totally get more pressure to be successful than women…very interesting..definitely something to think about!
I feel totally the same about it. I’m so concerned with my little girl. I really don’t want her to have the negative self image that I think is so prevalent in young women today. The only way I can think of to at least lessen that is to not allow women figure dolls for her, and to ban even joking derogative statements. My family favourites were always things like ‘you’re big, fat and ugly enough to get your own/look after your own/ etc etc.’ It was never meant meanly, but I think it stuck, anyway. So now I don’t allow any comments about fat, or anything like that! Just in case it helps!
(SITS)
I don’t think I can shed too much light on this, I think it is just something that is part of our makeup. It’s all the estrogen. I go through it myself, and then I end up yelling at myself for being so hard on myself. And then if I am feeling really good about myself, I end up feeling bad for having an ego.
Ugh! I wish I could be like a man and just not care, but I don’t think it will ever happen.
Stopping by from SITS!
First, I’ll say that men tend to be more visual and women more intellectual (thus, men look at porn and women read romance novels, which basically come down to written porn).
Second, men DO have insecurities. They just aren’t as vocal about them. My boyfriend has opened up some about his own, but only when he’s trying to make a point when I’m complaining about my own body. He’s self-conscious about being too skinny, among other things. He looks fine to me, and I to him, but we’re both self-conscious about our own perceived flaws.
I totally agree with you renee, men are definitely visual creatures! lol I just think that it takes a LOT more for a man to decide he needs to better himself physically than it does for a woman.
Wish this wasn’t so true. I could stand to lose 5-10 pounds, in my opinion anyway. Hubs needs to lose about 40 or so. But, he’s far easier on himself than I am on me. He is disturbed by it, though, so it’s not just women.
see that’s the difference Shell…5-10 vs. 40! women get hard on themselves way before a man will…
You are right on! I just started a new workout routine because I was tired of the way I looked and no longer felt sexy. I have been killing myself by getting up at 5:30 every morning to work out, then spending the rest of the day nimbling on healthy food. My husband on the other hand? I went in his car yesterday and found a half-empty box of Little Debbie snack cakes. Yeah…
I think I know why men don’t freak out. It’s because women aren’t trained (or expected) to be visual creatures. We can focus on someone’s looks as well as personality, values, morals, skills, etc. If a guy has a lot of attractive qualities and a beer gut, to a lot of women that’s okay. But if a woman has a lot going for herself, but has a slight tummy pooch and her boobs aren’t perky, then it’s a problem for most men….
Tara,
I got so mad at my husband before our wedding because of that…I’d eat only healthy things and watch him down snacky things! it was maddening! But you are right, women look at the whole package!
My thought is that maybe men get more of their validation from paychecks, possessions, etc… Some women will date the most unattractive guys if they have nice cars and well padded bank accounts. Young students will date older male professors with gray hair and bald spots because they’re powerful. Not that all women are that way, of course – but models will often be seen with rich older men, so then men feel as though as long as they can be overweight and balding if they’ve got other perks to the package?
And yes… I try to count calories while my boyfriend inhales everything in sight. It’s so hard to watch him eat three candy bars when I can only have a square and still feel guilty!
“but has a slight tummy pooch and her boobs aren’t perky, then it’s a problem for most men….”
It sounds like you’re meeting some very poor quality men. My body is far from perfect, but I’ve never, ever had a man tell me that. When I decided to start losing weight, my boyfriend tried to discourage me because he lliked how I looked. I was the one unhappy, and since my BMI was bordering on obese, I really needed to for my health as much as anything else.
I had a baby when I was 17, so I’ve had a little tummy pooch my entire adult life and it was never an issue. I think if a man is worth being with, he isn’t going to be a jerk about that.
In fact, my experience has long been that men notice things like that far less than women notice them.
@Renee – I think you’re right in some respects. I think guys don’t notice our “flaws” as much as we do and probably wouldn’t freak out if we gained a little weight or got a few wrinkles or whatnot. But I do think that give a man a choice between a woman with a flat tummy and a woman with a pooch, most guys would go for the flat tummy. Some guys like a little bit more meat, which is fine (otherwise I’d still be single! LOL). But I still think women are more likely to overlook imperfections in a guy than the other way around…Heading over to check out your blog! ?
I think the media has a lot to do with it, but also, if you took a poll, I’m sure a large percentage of women would tell you that their mothers put themselves down in front of them throughout their childhood. My mom was somewhat obsessed with her weight. It’s a vicious cycle.
Stopping by from SITS! Just became a Follower!
Tara — I don’t think you give men enough credit. ? Of course there are some who are shallow jerks who will choose an SO based solely on appearance and who will insist their SO keeps that “perfect” appearance. But I think those men are few in the overall picture. Personality goes a lot further in relationships than appearance.
Great blog! Saw you on SITS and just became a follower. I hate the whole body image thing that us woman have – placed in our heads from the media.
I think men have the same issues, they just don’t dwell on them like women do. Men seem to be much better about compartmentalizing – they think about their weight, deal with it, and then move on to the next thing. We multi-taskers will allow it to fester in our minds.
I’ve got a lot of weight to lose, but I’ve decided that I’m not going on a diet or crazy workout schedule, but I am going to change my attitude. I’m working out not to lose weight, but to be healthier. I think the change in mindset will make it less discouraging if I step on a scale (which I don’t intend to do any time soon).
I think our culture and society just set us up for this from the get-go. Men don’t feel that pressure.
Visiting from SITS.
It is an incredible double standard going on – and a lot of it is pressure we put on ourselves to what we think is pretty – dictated by celebrities, unfortunately…
I know for a fact that my husband doesn’t feel any pressure whatsoever!!! ?
Welcome to SITS. I know that you will enjoy being a part of this vibrant community of bloggers..
Thank you! I am truly enjoying visiting SITS every day! ? And I totally agree alot has to do with celebrities! No way it’s realistic!
i completely agree! i have been stressing over the extra baby weight i’ve been carrying, and mostly it’s because i don’t feel sexy for my husband.
he doesn’t seem to notice it, which tells me the pressure is only coming from myself. but try as i might, i can’t stop the thoughts.
(found you through vanderbilt wife!)
Thank you so much for stopping by from the Vanderbilt wife! It’s great to know where people come to visit from! I totally think alot of insecurities come from our own heads. But I think the difference between men and women is that women’s insecurities cause them to act..and men get insecure but move on! lol
I think we are almost made to feel that unless we are skinny we are not lovable or likable. Is it by Hollywood? I do not think they help the matters when you see Actresses getting smaller and smaller. Is it the clothing designers that photo shop the pictures to be almost unrecognizable that you looking at a woman’s body? Yep, I sure think so. I was glad when Dove came out with the “real woman” models..how fabulous! Every woman is different, every body and personality different. That’s what makes us us and not an identical twin to girl standing next to us. Stopping in from SITS to welcome you to the group, it’s nice to meet you ?
I LOVED that campaign! and I loved the women who were brave enough to bare it all! ? Great point!
Oh I wish I knew what the deal was with this. Like you mentioned, I think a lot has to do with the images we grew up with: dolls, movies, TV, celebs all portraying the “perfect” body. How could we NOT be conditioned to want that? Now it’s a matter of trying our best to accept what we have and, if it’s healthy, learn to love it as it is.
Well some of this I agree with but when you guys were talking about the feeling fat and your self-consicous.. Im young but we only think about ourselves that way because either guys or other girls have called us fat. Girls make that comment to other girls to make them made.. I know this because it has got to me and I think about my self that way.. All though I am very skinny and know that for a fact because I actually am a lil under weight but not where I need to eat everything in the house. But I still let that stuff get to me… An the part where I dont think that im pretty.. Every girl is pretty in their own special way.. Dont let another women get to you just bc they dont think you are pretty!
you know this is very true I worry about what I eat and how much I’m always on a diet I feel fat and ugly alot of the time and my husband well he doesn’t have to worry about anything like that. I get coments alot that I am pretty though but it’s still hard for me to accept them and it almost makes me want try harder to lose more wieght. Anyway it is hard for women to accept how they are with the way the world is today. I think all women need to be treated the same and no one should judge one another.
What does a man say to a woman who confesses that she feels fat and unattractive? Especially a man who thinks his SO is the most beautiful woman on Earth, a man who loves everything about her, body and soul!
Everything my girlfriend thinks is a flaw I find absolutely gorgeous! But if I tell her she’s beautiful the way she is, she thinks I’m lying, and if I don’t say anything she thinks I’m not attracted.
I feel like I’m in a no win situation. Help !!!!!
Mark- ask which bits she hates so much, and then kiss those bits right at that moment, slowly and sensually. And tell her why each bit’s sexy. I melted when a boyfriend told me my big hips and chest were feminine and womanly because he said looking like a mother was the sexiest thing on earth. A fit slender more straight-liney friend of mine loved when someone told her how young and tight and firm she looked, he preferred small boobs.
The guy I live with now I’m trying to restrain myself from upset when we have an amazing weekend and get on like best friends then he’ll joke about being totally distracted by some very thin small-boobed model girl on tv.. which is the opposite of my shape. And I don’t want to be that shape. I partly get angry because I do like my shape, and other men have been more appreciative and lingered over me a lot more. And partly I get mad because he pervs over girls who might be smouldering but their expression says that they’re shy, and don’t express themselves much. Much easier partner, albeit simple.
Most of the questions online about this that are answered by men seem to say it’s the woman’s insecurity and she should sort it out because that’s unattractive. But I’ve been really confident at times in my life and in my own (even flawed) body, and had lovers who didn’t look around. Or didn’t notice. So maybe me and my current man are a mismatch… if with him, I don’t feel confident. The question is whether I’d be more myself without him or with someone else.