plan

It’s no secret that I am a planner. I love to know what’s happening, when it’s going to happen and make sure that I am in charge of exactly how it’s going to happen. That is why it’s a huge hysterical joke on me that no matter how hard I try I can’t “plan to be pregnant“. Nope…just can’t do it. Not even close. That is why for my sanity I find myself planning ANYTHING that I possibly can. It’s my way to take control. So what should I plan next?

It took me a while to figure out my pattern. With my last TTC journey I decided that I was going to foster dogs (which I never did) and almost bought a new one. It was my way to take some control, and to be a mom in whatever way I could.

When I found out I would miscarry I dived head first into plans for Aruba. It was something that I could look forward to and be happy about. I needed that. Now, I find myself planning any fun activity I can the moment AF arrives because I know the following month needs to be as fun as I can make it. I deserve it.

I haven’t been driven to plan anything HUGE thus far, but I am feeling it. Today I even told Captain Awesome that I need SOMETHING…ANYTHING that I can plan. If he’s not careful he may come home to a new dog or cat. I approached him with the idea of going to Atlantic City and as my mind wandered I even started thinking that I need to go to Disney ASAP. If I could I would leave tomorrow for Europe with my family and not look back. I need that control, and I need that happy memory. It takes my mind off what is on my mind the most….the fact that as of now no baby is in our future.

I will keep you posted as to what big plans I have in the future. Keep in mind these plans are only for the near future because I don’t know what the distant future will bring. My plans will only be a few months in advance. I am ready to be spontaneous. I am ready to make rash decisions and blame being “wrong in the head”. So just go with it everyone. Captain Awesome has been amazing and just tries to work with me. That is until I brought up the whole cat thing….we will see what else I come up with.

Here’s to planning!