alone time

I know we all have mom guilt, but recently I have been feeling guilty about something I wanted to share. When I had my son I never truly understood the need to want to get away. I mean I obviously wanted vacation like everyone else, but I never really felt that feeling of needing a long term break. I remember my mom saying things like “I’m changing my name from mom” or “I’m moving to Wisconsin to get away”, as well as “I am going to hide so you can’t find me” when I was little. I remember laughing and thinking “silly mom”, but now I realize she probably meant it all. These days I no longer have a moment to myself all week and I am beginning to understand. With that understanding comes guilt. I never felt that way with just Christian. Why feel it now when I have two?

I have narrowed down the problem to this. In a given week I probably have about 1 1/2- 2 hours to myself. That’s it. When Christian is in school I am with Tessa, and when Tessa is napping I have Christian home. I get my limited time when my son goes on his weekly playdate at a friends house. It is that one time a week I eat lunch alone in peace, but let me tell you it goes by way too fast.

I don’t think I truly understood how important nap time was when I had just one. I got to recharge. I got to do my work, I got to eat lunch and I got to get things done. I no longer have that. My son certainly is better at entertaining himself than my daughter but he certainly can’t be considered good at it. When he gets home from school I make his lunch, we play games, and if I try to do work he makes me feel guilty for not paying more attention to him.

You will say “make time for yourself”, or ” go somewhere when your husband get’s home”. To that I say that I enjoy our family time together at the end of the day. I enjoy our family time together on the weekend, plus, there is nothing I care to leave to do myself. Unless it was shopping, but that certainly wouldn’t be productive. Even if I did I don’t think that would really help. I miss that recharging time in the middle of the day.

That’s where the guilt comes in. I know this time is fleeting. Soon enough I will have more than enough time to myself, and I know I will miss this. So why am I complaining? Because this is my blog and I can?

I can only imagine how if you add more kids to the mix that your time to yourself gets exponentially shorter. With someone who is always needing your attention we have less time to “just veg”. That’s why I was so excited this year to find out that I can in fact go away with out the kids and survive…and better yet…they survived without me. I went away this past weekend with Captain Awesome again and it was fabulous. But you know what? I even want a break from him! I told him I wanted him to take the kids to his parents for a night so I could spend an afternoon, night, and morning alone. I got to experience that once when I was a modified bedrest with my daughter and I remember it being glorious.

Again…I think…my poor Tessa! Her mommy wants to get away!? How horrible!? Christian had all those years of me NEVER wanting to get away, and now I think…so when do I get to be by myself again? Horrible right? Shame on me! I’m going to be devastated when they both are out of the house all day every day. But a girl deserves some quiet time right?

Good news is that I have been trying to take it. I have gotten myself involved in the community which has led me to meet people and get out regularly (maybe too regularly!). I also have planned things to get me away, and we are lucky that we have great family around who are always willing to watch the kids. Even if it means driving in from PA, or living close and giving us regular date nights. As I said above my next goal is to ship the whole family out so I can be TOTALLY alone. All these things will add up to a more sane mommy I think.

What do you do when you are feeling that you have nothing left to give those people in your life?