doubt and fear

I have written about this before, but as my son gets older, and I find myself in a situation more and more that I can’t always be with him, I am painfully reminded life is just way too scary sometimes. As I sit here and write this I have a pain in my chest because I had a flash of an idea that something bad could happen and I found myself almost paralyzed. Just the realization that I can not always be in control of my children’s destinies (or my own for that matter) is enough to drive you crazy.

Currently there is a situation going on at my son’s preschool that has left me in fear. I won’t go into details, but it’s bad enough that I am not even sure if I should be sending him anymore. As a matter of fact many of the other parents have decided not to send their child to the school until the situation is rectified, but at this point I am not there. That being said I question my decision. But when I do doubt myself I do my best to remember that bad can happen anywhere. I know that if I begin to let the fear enter my brain I will find myself paralyzed with chest pains like I am tonight and never leave my house. I can’t have that.

But it’s only going to get worse. As my kids get older they will go out into the world and start to make their own decisions. I can barely let my son ride ahead of me on his bike with out envisioning some car backing out of their driveway and him not seeing it. (yes I know I am crazy) Now, I am supposed to trust that as I send my kid off to school all will be OK… that the horrible things that happened at Sandy Hook will not happen in my world. We have to believe that right?

Am I allowed to admit here that I am scared? Life is grand of course but it is also scary as hell. There are so many what if’s in a day that if you think about them all you will in fact go insane. Trust me….I think about them all the time and I am pretty much insane. Sometimes I think that’s what being a parent is all about. I mean how else can you love someone so much and not be scared? Your answer could be you have to trust in God, but at this point I am not sure my faith can take me there. I wish it could.

So all this is a bunch of ramblings about fear. I have given no real info, but I guess I am allowed to cause it’s my blog. I just know that I’m scared. I’m scared to make the wrong decisions. I am scared that by doing my best not to be scared that I am choosing wrong. But  Isn’t our best that all that any of us can do?  I am thankful for all the good in my life. And boy is there a lot of it. That is the focus…That NEEDS to be the focus.