Well…another month down the drain…no July baby for us. As I sat and wallowed in self pity for a little while, a little light bulb went off in my head. This past month we tried almost everything we could to time it right…I took control of almost everything I could….counted days, used OPK’s, drank grapefruit juice (you can write me if you want to know what that does)….and in the end it just didn’t matter. What I learned, is that when it comes to Trying to Conceive….it’s just not in my hands. I have almost ZERO control over what happens. For my sanity it’s time to get babies OFF the brain.
The morning I found out I was NOT pregnant, I actually took a pregnancy test which obviously was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. You know what happened 5 minutes after I took the test??? Aunt Flow showed her ugly and horrid face. She mocked me, and laughed very loudly. I was defeated. I honestly thought that this month was it. I was looking for signs and I thought that I would find out that I was pregnant and get to tell Captain Awesome on his birthday. I imagined waking him up and giving him the great news as his first birthday present. But it wasn’t in the cards. So I cried….
So what did I do next? I got in the car. I had to take my Tinkerbell to the vet. I wiped away my tears and drove….and during this drive something amazing happened. I started to relax! A wave of peace washed over me. I came to the realization that God decides when it is my time to have a baby. I realized that I just had to let go. I had to let go of the anxiety, and I had to let go of the idea that I can control my destiny. I remembered that I got pregnant the first time by relaxing and enjoying life. I didn’t plan, I didn’t track ovulation, and most of all I didn’t STRESS!
So I am done…I am relinquishing control. I plan to think about ANYTHING other than getting pregnant. I am going to live my life, and que sera sera…what will be will be.
I am sorry that you had a sad morning but so glad to see that the peace of God washed over you and told you gently that He is in control and loves you and knows you better than you know yourself. He also weeps with you and understands your sadness. Be encouraged knowing He loves you and has plans for you better than you can comprehend, in His timing. Feel free to email me if you want talk more. Hugs. Lynn
Thank you Lynn, you really put that beautifully…I really do feel more at peace..
I think it’s amazing what can happen when you step back and let God take over. He has His plan and knows what’s going on! It’s wonderful when you can realize that – like it takes a whole weight off your shoulders.
the replies were so beautiful and so true. i hope that the peace you have found stays with you. you know how i feel about it and you can get mad at me, but god will let you know when the time is righ. love you. mom
I have so been there. It does seem as though Aunt Flo is mocking. But I had trouble with 2 out of 3 kids and yet here I sit with 3. So many times I “gave it up ” to God and so many times I took it right back. So be as patient with yourself as you are trying to be with God. In the end, you are totally right, us having any control is totally an illusion.
I am SO sorry that this month was a let-down for you ?
But I do know that it WILL happen (hopefully sooner than later)!! I know how much you want to be a mommy, and g-d knows and is watching and listening, and he HEARS your wish!!
I cannot say that I really understand the frustration, bc I have never been in your position (I HATE when people say they understand, or agree/disagree with something when they have never been thru it themselves), but I CAN understand the want to have a baby and become a mommy. Stepping back, and trying to think of other things is a GREAT idea!! Easier said than done, I know… BUT- keeping busy, de-stressing, enjoying life, going away (even a long weekend), and just LIVING and BEING will benefit you, and make this time easier.
I LOVE your honesty, and candidness (is that a word?)- because it really is something difficult and draining to go thru, and wanted to let you know to KEEP ON BLOGGING- and I amlooking fwd to following your journey toward motherhood… SENDING you lots of LOVE, LUCK, and laughs along the way. XOXO
It is so great to hear you say that.I have been obsessing over having a baby for so long. Me and my husband arent even trying and that fact that I wish for Aunt Flow to not show every month was consuming me! I was being crazy! but I finally just got to the point where you are. I said what am I doing?!!? God has a plan for me and he knows when the right time for me to be a Mommy is. I cant control it. I cant make it happen just becuase I want it to. Its still hard sometimes to give all to him and let go but your letter was so encouraging!!
Jenn… I had the same exact week like you did!! I thought for sure it was this month… great news to give everyone on Thanksgiving….and got a big fat negative on Wednesday and again yesterday. I hate those darn tests!! It’s so frustrating and for once I want to see that + result. Good luck and all we could do is know it will happen when God plans it to happen…. hopefully soon ?
Thank you so much everyone! I love getting support from people on the blog. I am loving the feel of being relaxed! So far operation babies OFF the brain is going well!
I love this post so much.
i’m so glad that you linked it to me on Twitter.
One of the hardest things to do is to Let Go and Let God.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through but, you have my prayers and my awe.
Good luck, God Bless and I can’t wait to follow the journey
So great to come across your site (from SITS). We have so much in common, it’s kind of ridiculous. Although not living there now, I’m from Long Island… Smithtown, then Oakdale; went to Hauppauge High. Not sure if you’re in Nassau or Suffolk. Anywho, one of my bros went to Hofstra, and one of my best friends went to Hofstra Law. Anywho, where we really come together are my battles with TTC. In fact, they said they didn’t know if we’d ever have any babies (I have PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Well, I have 4 now, and only one was conceived (the 1st) on Clomid & Metformin. The day I stopped nursing the prior baby, I conceived the next. What a blessing. My body just needed help figuring out how it is supposed to happen, I guess!
And, I did EVERYTHING I could to control “how” and “when” it would happen. I was laughing at that particular post because that was me. The moment that I “really”, and I mean “really” – spiritually and emotionally – gave up control, God blessed up with the pregnancy of our daughter.
I am so saddened to hear about your miscarriage, and I’m sure you want to be angry, but please know God never gives you more than you can handle. Additionally, it’s all in God’s timing. The positive thing is that at least now you KNOW you can actually “get” pregnant! That’s more than 1/2 the battle. Please pray about it; I know great things and babies will come your way!
Cheers, and what’s even funnier… is that maybe if you read my blog, you’ll reconsider wanting a handful of kids! Have a great week!