Remembering To Live

Captain Awesome and I decided a little less than a year ago that we wanted to start a family. With just that one little statement so many other things got set into motion. We had plans. But now, looking back, the words of my doctor now come back to haunt me “when people plan God laughs”. Isn’t that the truth! The problem with plans is that they don’t always work out, and when they don’t work out you are left fumbling for a new plan. But through all the plans, and the ups and the downs, I have to remind myself to just live my life. You’d be surprised how hard that is!

When the summer clothes started to come on the racks last year I told myself “don’t buy any because soon you will be too fat to wear it”. I planned on being the “designated driver” at upcoming weddings because by then I was POSITIVE I’d be pregnant. Then came the miscarriage, and all the plans shattered. After we were free to try again, I was so sure that it would happen quickly. In September I had friends invite us on a vacation in January, and I said to The Captain… I don’t think we can book that trip now. I am hoping to be pregnant by then and I won’t know how I will feel. So we didn’t book the trip. Funny thing is that January came and went. Our friends went on that vacation, and we stayed home.

You may ask why I cared about booking the trip. Well , the answer is simple. It’s a lot of money to travel, and I am worried that if I travel with in my first trimester I could be sick. And therefore the trip is ruined because I am sick and can’t enjoy myself. I know what you are thinking…you could feel fine! And you are right, but it isn’t worth the risk. Therefore we decided we should plan a trip to coordinate with “the right time” and go to relax. But you’d be amazed at how life throws curve balls at you! Each “right time” has occurred when other plans have been set, and therefore we haven’t been able to take that trip. I don’t think people realize how small the window really is. And if you are busy during that window, you lose your chance.

I haven’t really bought new clothes for 4 full seasons now. Each one has come and gone with me thinking I’d be wasting my money. I guess The Captain is happy because it saved us a bunch of money!

My 30th birthday is coming up in June and people ask me what I am doing. But I can’t give them an answer. I’m not going to plan a raging drinking event if I am pregnant. That just wouldn’t fit. I would love to maybe combine my birthday and our 2 year anniversary (both in June), but I have to refer back to my previous statement…I just don’t know how I will feel at that point? What to do?

I realize as I am reading this back I sound a little crazy. Don’t worry I am not. Other than big travel plans I promise I really am living my day to day life to the fullest. But being the planner that I am I am having trouble with the unknown. So here is a reminder to myself and all of you. Don’t wish the year away, and don’t sit around and wait while life passes you by….remember to live.

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24 Responses to Remembering To Live

  1. Jenn says:

    oh god…you just reminded me about our birthdays (breathe…breathe). I say if neither of us are pregnant we meet somewhere and have a fun night and toasting to being FABULOUS!

    • Jen says:

      We will be pregnant Jenn!! :) (and if not I think I will need more than a few drinks so we totally need to celebrate a fabulous night somewhere! lol)

  2. Megan says:

    You are SO right about “planning”. I remember “planning” when we were ttc #1, Ha! That didn’t work. I just left it in God’s hands and prayed. Prayed, that when every He wanted me to conceive I would. You really have to have faith when ttc.

  3. Holly says:

    I don’t think you are crazy at all! when it comes to planning big events like birthdays, travel etc while TTC it really does feel like everything is up in the air, it’s like being in life limbo. Day-to-day I can do, it’s the farther away stuff that is hard
    \

    • Jen says:

      You are right..it’s the bigger events that in the future.It’s a tough feeling that you have no control..and by now I KNOW that I have no control! lol

  4. KayEm17 says:

    I remember when I was trying to get pregnant the first time. I remember being so certain that getting pregnant would happen quickly and when it didn’t, I didn’t know what to do. I was hurt and disappointed and even jealous of my pregnant friends. Then one day my mother-in-law was talking about her favorite song “What God has for Me it is for Me.” To this day, I couldn’t tell you the rest of the lyrics or even what the melody sounds like. The title alone spoke to my soul. I realized then that God has a plan for my life that is better than whatever it is I have cooked up for myself. So I try each day to surrender to that knowledge (sometimes that’s easier than others) and to keep living and dreaming while I wait to see what He has in store for me. Be blessed.

    • Jen says:

      I try to remember it’s God’s plan not mine..like you said sometimes its easier than others. But I keep reminding myself every day! ;)

  5. Kt says:

    Ahhh the planner in me can so relate to you. However, that said, I say you plan something for YOU, something that will make you smile and allow you to be with friends and family. I think maybe I’d just plan it as if I wasn’t going to be pregnant, and then change things a bit if I got pregnant. If uncomfortable with that, plan something that doesn’t revolve around drinking – a dinner night or something.

  6. Cybil says:

    I think you should plan the drinking party, and if you end up being pregnant, then you can change your plans. It WILL happen when the time is just right!

  7. cheri says:

    i remember feeling like this a couple of years ago. i quit my job after i got married because i figured we can start a family. well, i didnt happen that way. i got pregnant the second month i was into my new job.

    go on, plan your party. it’ll be a blast. if you do get pregnant, people would understand if you change your plans. oh, and it could be the last party you might have for quite awhile, if the baby comes.

    shuttling in from SITS :)

    • Jen says:

      Its funny. I have been doing that with work since last summer. I want to be a SAHM and sometimes my work suffers…my husband has to remind me sometimes that I am not one yet (ouch) and that now’s the time to work and save.
      Thanks for visiting!!

  8. Jessica says:

    I am totally a planner and can sympathize with wanting to know what will happen when so you can organize around it. But I think this realizing is good for you – take it one step a day and don’t worry about what you can’t control!

    • Jen says:

      I have all these things I need to remind myself. I can just add this one after “everything happens for a reason” lol

  9. Lisa says:

    “I haven’t really bought new clothes for 4 full seasons now. I guess The Captain is happy because it saved us a bunch of money!”

    I’ll bet that if he couldn’t be buying you maternity clothes, the Captain would have loved to see you in those new size 4 or whatever clothes, looking gorgeous. I know about living with “What if…?” I followed my husband around on business trips far from home for several years because it was the only way I had a chance of conceiving.

    You can’t anticipate everything and there are no crystal balls. What I learned was that the things I put off just in case, became lost opportunities and they didn’t have any effect on my pregnancy status, one way or another. You won’t know how you might feel? You can’t know that you won’t have a cold that week, or if you will have unseasonable weather.

    My mother bought me a great black stretchy tunic and leggings when I started trying to conceive. I held on to it for 2 years, hoping I would use it eventually. A friend told me about her sister’s futile search for the right all-purpose maternity outfit and in a fit of generosity, I sent it to her. That outfit in my closet was hope, but it was also not serving its purpose, for me. Six months later, I conceived my son. In a way, I put it down to letting go. Yes, we plan and God laughs.

    Lisa

    • Jen says:

      Thank you for sharing that story. You are right. They definitely do become lost opportunities. I just have to remind myself of that regularly. Thank you. I’m glad to hear your story has a happy ending though. It definitely gives hope.

  10. Sarah Ruth says:

    I know how you feel. I have been trying to plan our move. When will we move, where will we move, etc. But things with hubby’s deployment keep changing. We don’t know when he’s leaving (which is good and bad) so we can’t plan when to move. I’m going crazy!

    • Jen says:

      I can imagine how frustrating that is! I would go nuts with that too! A move is a big deal, and I know when it’s my time to move it’s going to be stressful. I already worry about that! hahahah (see a pattern w/ me? lol)

  11. Kelly says:

    I totally get what you’re going through (minus the amount of time you’ve been going thru it, which is quite a bit longer than me. You gave me advice once about this very thing…you said “don’t put your life on hold while TTC, you may regret it”. I’m reminding you of this b/c you already have the wisdom to get through this, you just need to be reminded of it sometimes. It’s a sucky time trying to get prego, and only get disappointment instead. You’re still young though! I’m turning 31 in May (I have one year on ya)…it will happen, in the meantime…plan away. Worse case scenario, you will have to cancel later (and strangly, that will be best case scenario).

    • Jen says:

      Thank you for the reminder. It’s good advice! lol glad I thought of it (now I just have to remember it) I’m sorry that you had to go through all that too. I hope it’s quick for you the next time around! In the meantime lets party! ;)

  12. Sol says:

    You are not crazy nor do you sound like it. You are a planner by nature. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

  13. You might find this hard to believe, but I have been where you are, except we could not have children after the first son was born. We spent 3 years going through specialists until we found one brainy guy graduated from Mayo Clinic and John’s Hopkins, both in woman’s issues.

    Anyhow, I spent 3 years in turmoil (there’s a six year difference between our first and second born). Yes, so many things were put on hold while waiting! So many tears! My son prayed at EVERY meal and bedtime prayer, “Please God, Send me a Baby Brother.” In a 6th grade report, he had to take a picture from every year of his life and tell a story about it. About the year his brother was born, he told about how much he had prayed. Then he said, “Be careful what you pray for because when God answers, he answers abundantly. I now have 3 baby brothers” (that was before the last one was born).

    I’ll be praying for you! It’s a challenging season. I finally decided that God was preparing me for all these boys!

    • Jen says:

      oh my goodness what a story!! reading about your son praying brought tears to my eyes because I can just picture it. I will never again wonder why people have such large age gaps between children, I never even considered it was because they couldn’t conceive. Now I know. But it’s amazing that after all that you have 4 kids! What a great report from your son! lol careful what you wish for right!? Thank you so much for sharing. In hindsight the pain seems less right? I do hope so.

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