Remembering To Live
Captain Awesome and I decided a little less than a year ago that we wanted to start a family. With just that one little statement so many other things got set into motion. We had plans. But now, looking back, the words of my doctor now come back to haunt me “when people plan God laughs”. Isn’t that the truth! The problem with plans is that they don’t always work out, and when they don’t work out you are left fumbling for a new plan. But through all the plans, and the ups and the downs, I have to remind myself to just live my life. You’d be surprised how hard that is!
When the summer clothes started to come on the racks last year I told myself “don’t buy any because soon you will be too fat to wear it”. I planned on being the “designated driver” at upcoming weddings because by then I was POSITIVE I’d be pregnant. Then came the miscarriage, and all the plans shattered. After we were free to try again, I was so sure that it would happen quickly. In September I had friends invite us on a vacation in January, and I said to The Captain… I don’t think we can book that trip now. I am hoping to be pregnant by then and I won’t know how I will feel. So we didn’t book the trip. Funny thing is that January came and went. Our friends went on that vacation, and we stayed home.
You may ask why I cared about booking the trip. Well , the answer is simple. It’s a lot of money to travel, and I am worried that if I travel with in my first trimester I could be sick. And therefore the trip is ruined because I am sick and can’t enjoy myself. I know what you are thinking…you could feel fine! And you are right, but it isn’t worth the risk. Therefore we decided we should plan a trip to coordinate with “the right time” and go to relax. But you’d be amazed at how life throws curve balls at you! Each “right time” has occurred when other plans have been set, and therefore we haven’t been able to take that trip. I don’t think people realize how small the window really is. And if you are busy during that window, you lose your chance.
I haven’t really bought new clothes for 4 full seasons now. Each one has come and gone with me thinking I’d be wasting my money. I guess The Captain is happy because it saved us a bunch of money!
My 30th birthday is coming up in June and people ask me what I am doing. But I can’t give them an answer. I’m not going to plan a raging drinking event if I am pregnant. That just wouldn’t fit. I would love to maybe combine my birthday and our 2 year anniversary (both in June), but I have to refer back to my previous statement…I just don’t know how I will feel at that point? What to do?
I realize as I am reading this back I sound a little crazy. Don’t worry I am not. Other than big travel plans I promise I really am living my day to day life to the fullest. But being the planner that I am I am having trouble with the unknown. So here is a reminder to myself and all of you. Don’t wish the year away, and don’t sit around and wait while life passes you by….remember to live.