Well…another month down the drain…no July baby for us. As I sat and wallowed in self pity for a little while, a little light bulb went off in my head. This past month we tried almost everything we could to time it right…I took control of almost everything I could….counted days, used OPK’s, drank grapefruit juice (you can write me if you want to know what that does)….and in the end it just didn’t matter. What I learned, is that when it comes to Trying to Conceive….it’s just not in my hands. I have almost ZERO control over what happens. For my sanity it’s time to get babies OFF the brain.
The morning I found out I was NOT pregnant, I actually took a pregnancy test which obviously was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. You know what happened 5 minutes after I took the test??? Aunt Flow showed her ugly and horrid face. She mocked me, and laughed very loudly. I was defeated. I honestly thought that this month was it. I was looking for signs and I thought that I would find out that I was pregnant and get to tell Captain Awesome on his birthday. I imagined waking him up and giving him the great news as his first birthday present. But it wasn’t in the cards. So I cried….
So what did I do next? I got in the car. I had to take my Tinkerbell to the vet. I wiped away my tears and drove….and during this drive something amazing happened. I started to relax! A wave of peace washed over me. I came to the realization that God decides when it is my time to have a baby. I realized that I just had to let go. I had to let go of the anxiety, and I had to let go of the idea that I can control my destiny. I remembered that I got pregnant the first time by relaxing and enjoying life. I didn’t plan, I didn’t track ovulation, and most of all I didn’t STRESS!
So I am done…I am relinquishing control. I plan to think about ANYTHING other than getting pregnant. I am going to live my life, and que sera sera…what will be will be.