I wrote this post last year on February 13th, which was the original due date of the baby that we lost. I decided to repost this because I wanted to share with those of you out there in a similar situation I was in, that when it comes to wanting a baby what a difference a year can make. Last year, at this very exact time I was so sad. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…but look at me now. This year I have my son. My beautiful baby boy and I couldn’t be happier. So keep hoping…keep trying…and someday you too will get your miracle.

I am sad…I will admit it. I have been working so hard at staying positive and being happy, but sometimes the sadness creeps in and there is nothing I can do. This week has been hard. It’s really hard knowing that had everything gone right I would be getting ready to meet my son or daughter. But it didn’t go right, and February 13th (my original due date) is tomorrow, and there is no baby in my belly. I am just as far away at becoming a mom as I was last summer. Nine months have come and gone and everything is still the same….so that makes me sad. I found myself randomly crying this week. I also found myself being a complete Bit$h for no reason. But don’t I get to feel that way? Aren’t I allowed to be sad and angry sometimes? But once I have finished crying, and I allow good thoughts to come back I remember that this weekend also means a lot of good things. This weekend marks 9 years since The Captain and I went on our first date, and this weekend also marks the 4 year anniversary of the night we got engaged. So I am reminded about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. And although it will be hard, I plan on remembering that happiness should always trump sadness. Let’s hope it does this time.

February 14, 2001 Captain Awesome asked me out on our first “offical date”. It was actually a bold move since we weren’t officially dating at that time, but it was nice to know that he cared enough about me to spend the biggest Hallmark Holiday with me. He took me out to an Italian restaurant named “Cafe Testarosa”. I am a very picky eater and wouldn’t share calimari with him, and I remember being scared to eat my penne ala vodka because of all the green parsely on top. Last thing I need was green thingys stuck in my teeth1 It was a great first date, and to this day we celebrate Valentine’s day at that very same restaurant.

February 14, 2007 was an extremely cold and icy night. We had been dating  a VERY long time and I was frustrated we weren’t engaged yet. That night The Captain ended up having to work late since he worked for an evil law firm. Didn’t they know it was Valentine’s day?? So I sat and waited. That night, just like the other Valentine’s Day we had plans to go to Cafe Testarosa. But that year would be different. That year the man of my dreams proposed to me! We ate dinner and when ordering he told me to save room for dessert. So when dessert was brought out..there on the plate was a beautiful sparkly diamond! When I turned to him, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. It was just perfect. It’s a Valentine’s day I will remember forever.

So needless today there is a lot to celebrate on Valentine’s day. For us it no longer is a stupid Hallmark Holiday. It has a lot of history. But this year a little shadow looms over the days. This year the sadness has crept into my heart. I want to WANT to celebrate, but sometimes I just want to curl up by myself and hide. But I won’t hide. I am known to put on a happy face and go on. But here in my blog I can be honest with myself…here I can say this week I am/was sad and no I don’t want to talk about it.  But I have to hope that my mind will allow the Happiness to win over the sadness. It just has to because the last thing I want to do is wallow. The last thing I want to do is be sad….So I am choosing happiness. Mind over matter right?