I wrote this when my nervousness got even worse…

I don’t know why I thought that things would be easy with this pregnancy. That would be just silly. I went through a lot to get here that I kind of hoped that I put in my time, but it seems that more stress and worry are in the cards for me this time around. So far things have been good, regardless of my nerves. My bloodwork has been good, and my levels have been doing what they were supposed to. Sonograms were showing a nice growing baby and I was happy. I had a good 6 1/2 week appointment with a strong heartbeat, and the day after I got brought back to reality. I got a call from one of the nurses at the practice saying that the doctor wanted to start me on progesterone supplements, and that my levels had dropped to below 10 which is concerning. I was to start the suppositories right away….bye bye happy thoughts. 

If you speak to someone going through IVF, or fertility treatments the idea of progesterone suppositories isn’t concerning. As a matter of fact my doctor tried to reassure me that the levels weren’t too dangerous, and that she wasn’t too concerned, but it didn’t make me feel better. I had my levels drop with my first loss, and that was on my mind. Also on my mind is the fact that my normal OB practice doesn’t always believe that progesterone actually help. My doc said before that it may just prolong a pregnancy that was doomed, and that thought stayed on my mind. Did this drop in levels mean I would have another loss? Was I just preventing the inevitable? I was left to worry.

I kept my tears at bay while speaking with the nurse, but I lost it the moment I called Captain Awesome. I was sure this was the end of this pregnancy. I called friends who also had to go in it, and it made me feel a little better, but I still had a doomed feeling in my gut. Maybe it was a defense mechanism. But I was a wreck. I got to spend the weekend becoming Godmother to my niece, and that preoccupied my a bit, but I can never truly shut off my head…it just keeps spinning.

That next week felt like forever! But who are who am I kidding…every week has felt like the slowest ever. Good news? My 7 1/2 week appointment was a good one. Baby was growing and I was happy. But the thoughts of the progesterone still lingered. Would this baby make it? Couldn’t I handle it again if it didn’t? I wasn’t sure. But I had to go with the positive. Things were looking good. On the bad side? This was my last appointment at Long Island IVF (but more on that later)

Until another blow. The next day I got a call…not from the nurse like usual…but from the doctor herself. Just hearing her voice made me panic. She told me my progesterone had gone up…but she wanted me to add a third dose of the suppository. It wasn’t low, but not high, and based on my history she wanted to do everything possible. So that’s what we did, but I didn’t feel good about it. I cried again…Just making that call to Captain Awesome made me lose it (again). Why?? What did it mean? The doctor tried to reassure me that they weren’t concerned at all, but it didn’t settle my fears.

I was left for another week to wonder what would happen next. Next was the dreaded eight week appointment where things have gone wrong before, and I was terrified. My mom told me she’d come up to stay with me the following week and I cried… again. She just knew that I needed my mom….and she came. I had a week to wait to see what was happening…and I needed to be preoccupied.

The roller coaster ride I was one has been making me crazy. How will everything turn out? I don’t know how to make it through all this mentally…every twitch or pain or cramp terrifies me. A little good news is that I have started to feel a bit sick…so I am hoping that’s a good sign of things to come. I need to grasp onto any positive I can…so I am. In the words of my best friend “This WILL work out”