I wrote this obviously during the first few weeks pregnant. 

Well, I am still in nervous breakdown mode and have been since learning the wonderful news. I wonder if you ask anyone other than Captain Awesome (who knows how really crazy I have been feeling) if they think I am handling it all well what they would say? Anyway, my weekly appointments have been a blessing, but those appointments have not been with out their own drama. It’s a double edged sword going every week and getting so much information. I sometimes wish I was that girl from 2009 who found out she was pregnant…called the OB…was told to come in at 8 weeks and just went about my life for those 4 weeks while waiting. Unfortunately, I’m not that girl, and I haven’t been that girl since that summer in 2009. I know all too well what can go wrong, and just because one appointment went great doesn’t mean that the next one one. So I take it all day by day and appointment by appointment.

After the first blood test confirmed I was pregnant, and the second one confirmed that my numbers were going up I was happy to have my first sonogram at about 5 weeks 4 days. Since I have been seeing the specialist for a few months anyway Mr. Wand isn’t so scary anymore. Other than the fact that it’s pictures hold my fate. There wasn’t much to see at that first appointment, but I was so happy to see that little black dot with a little fetal pole growing inside. I was allowed for a moment to breath and accept that I really, truly was pregnant. It felt nice.

Being the nervous wreck that I am I feel like I am crying all the time. Almost any time I talk about the pregnancy, or an upcoming appointment, or the results of my blood work I cry. I do my best to hide it all from the little man, but I am sure he knows something is up. I am hormonal and a mess and it sucks. So far I feel fine which is also rough. Not that I want to puke, but at least then I would know things are OK. By feeling nothing, I am left to wonder.

For my next appointment I knew it was possible that we’d hear/see the heartbeat. I was happy that we got childcare( aka my mother in law) worked out so Captain Awesome could go the appointment with me, because if things had gone wrong I am not sure I could make it. I didn’t sleep a wink before this appointment. We of course had to wait a long time, but it was worth it. The doctor was extremely pleased with the strong heartbeat she heard. I cried. She seemed so positive that some of it rubbed off on me. The little sac was growing strong….our baby was forming.

Time can’t possibly move any slower. I think the weekly appointments are the only things keeping me sane, and that all depends on your definition of sane. Personally, I think I am portraying “sane” very well.  I am thankful for our little man for keeping me busy, but I’m not going to lie…being a SAHM leaves for a lot of time to think, and that’s not always good. Especially in this COLD, COLD winter. Being stuck inside allows for a lot of wallowing. I feel bad when I am on edge and I lose my patience with the little guy. It’s not his fault (well sometimes it is when he’s being a crazy nut). But we are getting through it. Day by day…week by week. We still have a long way to go. And that sucks…