feeling sad

Welp…it’s official. There will be no August baby for us. These last two weeks have been hell for me, and it’s funny that even though AF has arrived and I’m super sad…I actually FEEL better than I have for the last 2 weeks. Why? Well I was CONVINCED that this month was it for us. I FELT like I was actually pregnant, but 3 pregnancy tests and a VERY late period later we found out that it just wasn’t meant to be. Now, I feel like a weight as been lifted. We have an answer to the question that has been circling through my brain…the answer is NO.  So like every other month I choose to just allow myself to mope for a bit, and then I move on.

Back to the hellish two weeks. They sucked. I made myself believe I was pregnant. I felt tired, nauseous, and my brain just wouldn’t work. What I believed to be early pregnancy brain was only my hormones mocking me, or I was just being an idiot. Other than day to day basic activities I could only focus on one thing….am I pregnant? And I’m mad at myself for that.

I’m mad because this is my favorite time of year and I have allowed this desire to be pregnant to take over. I can barely focus on what I’ve bought for Christmas, who I’ve bought it for, and what activity comes next. I even screwed up the time of a birthday party I was excited to attend. Who does that? This girl! I’m mad because it’s just not me. I hate that I allowed myself to not be fully present these past two weeks.

Like every other month before this one I will move on. I am ready to throw myself into the holidays and will only focus on my son, my husband, our family and friends that make the holiday season so special. Our little man is fully into the Christmas magic and I will focus on that.

You know what else I will focus on? The moment AF arrived I decided that this girl needs to party. So I booked my mother and The Captain and I are off to Atlantic City for a night in January. Once I am done with this post I will start searching for signature cocktails to be served on Christmas eve, and I’m ready to jump head first into the holiday spirit. Look out world….this Christmas girl is ready to party. Who’s coming with me?