When I graduated from college, I never had the opportunity to move back home and save money like most of my friends did. My husband was still in college, and I decided that in order to make our relationship work, I would rent an apartment on Long Island so we could be together.
Adult Responsibilities
So I jumped into the “grown up” world with both feet, and begun to take care of myself. This meant that I had to get furniture, and pay bills among many other things. I had to set up appointments to get cable, phone service and wait for deliveries. I had to make sure we had heat and electricity. I took care of all my banking and made sure I always had money in the bank. I had a system and it worked for many years.
Now, as a married woman of less than 1 year I find myself handing many of those jobs over to my husband. Now I don’t even have the patience to deal with customer service reps. If they call I just tell them to call back and talk to my husband. This isn’t the old me??? What happened to the independent woman I was/am??? Is it bad that I am happy that I don’t have to deal with many of those things anymore?
My Grandma’s Predicament
I always thought it was sweet when my grandma and grandpa would help each other with things. Even the small things like opening jars, or grabbing glasses out of the cupboards that my grandma couldn’t reach. After years and years of marriage they had a system, and it worked for them. I never really realized what my grandpa did for my grandma, and vice versa, until my grandpa died 3 years ago. My grandma was left struggling with many of the everyday tasks that he “just took care of”. I felt bad for her, and looked at my relationship and realized how already dependent I am on my husband. I have had him around in some capacity for 8 years now, and it sometimes scares me to realize how dependent on him I am already.
For instance, the cable company called yesterday with a deal for us. I listened to the man speak, and after some time I asked him if he could call back in 20 minutes when my husband came home so that it could be explained to him. I found myself not even wanting to deal with that aspect of the household. Why should I? He always does? I couldn’t be bothered with it. Opening jars? Well that’s just a given. I have this jar opening contraption that I used to use….now….I just decide that I will just wait till my husband comes home to open it. What’s the rush? Getting the mail….I never get it! My husband lived at home for many years and never got to “get the mail”. Now, he gets so excited to be able to get the mail that I just let him do it every day. So it just appears on my counter when he gets home. One time, when he was away for a bit, I just never went out to get the mail. Why should I? It just always shows up so I don’t have to remember?
Those are just a few examples, but as time goes on our roles as husband and wife seem more defined. Is this just part of marriage? Once you get married, is it ok to let go of some of the control? Am I less of an “Independent Woman” now that I am more inclined to let my husband take care of things? What are your experiences with this?
I’ve never been the type of person that wanted to deal with the “house” stuff. In any home we have lived in my husband does it all… phone, internet, cable, movers, painters, etc (you get the idea) and I have no problem with that, however being a bookkeeper at work I always hated the thought of having to come home and do it, so for the past years my husband has been the “bookkeeper” of the house. And then one day it dawned on me… if god forbid something happened to him or just say we seperated, I would have no clue what bills were owed to who (this being especially true since so much is done online and emailed to HIM)! That night I sat down and we wrote down everything and every password so that I was in the loop! He can still have has fun making the choices for our utlities to enhance his electronic goodies BUT going forward I will know who gets paid what and when…but it is so easy to let someone else do it all ?
I think that was a wonderful idea Lisa! I never want to be that woman who is left totally helpless if something god forbid happened. Especially when it comes to the money. My husband and I both know the passwords and such and I keep tabs on the accounts. It’s always good to know that stuff. I think writing everything down is a great idea. I wanted to start a binder with all that stuff. I currently have all of our medical info in the binder, and will continue to do so when we have children. I think passwords and where everything is and what vendors we use is a great idea to write down! Good suggestion!
I think depending on my husband is my God-given gift but it also is my responsibility to be his helper. I, too, am so appreciative for all the strengths my husband brings to our partnership and I will be devastated on the day that he is gone (if it happens before I go!). However, I don’t feel that I have relinquished my identity by relying on him. If anything, he makes me a better person because I can focus on other things that are important to the family. We complement each other and I LOVE IT!
I think that there is a happy medium…I have been married for almost 11 years, and parts of my life are still extremely independent..so much so that I probably hurt his feelings, but I grew up with a woman like your grandmother…I learned at an early age that I would just be different. Like my Blog for example…my husband has NO part of that side of my life…he honestly could care less, he has worked all day and doesn’t want to hear about… I think to have a happy marriage, you have to remember to maintain who you were when you got married…he married YOU not a helpless lady. Just remember who YOU are and keep her with you!! But yeah…I would let my husband deal with the cable company…[email protected]!
I agree that a happy medium is key. I am still extremely independent in some aspects…and I want to know what is going on at all times in household matters, but I guess it’s nice to hand over some of the responsibilities to someone else. As women I think we want to be able to take care of it all and sometimes we just can’t. It’s ok to take some of the burden off of yourself. I guess that is part of the joys of marriage!
I think whatever works for the two people. Husband and wife are “inter-dependent” on each other which means they both need each other in different ways. Although Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eve failed miserably, we have a chance to succeed in good marriages today. Our faith (aka The Bible) brings a lot of the answers.
Cheryl