I have this plaque over the door to the garage that reads “everything happens for a reason…just believe”. I love the saying and I try to think of it often. When things go bad in my life I try to sit back, breath and the remind myself that there is always a plan. That I am part of a higher purpose. Even though I may not know what it is…it makes me feel better to believe that. But I gotta tell you…this past month has tested this mantra of mine, and I’m doing my best not to change it to the new mantra of “Life Just sucks”.
I feel that I have really tried to turn to God through this whole experience. I know its no good to turn to the man when you need something from him, but if there is a time to start than doing so before having a baby is as good of a time than any. Months ago, when we decided that we would soon by trying to have a baby I contacted this woman who provides women with St. Gerard medals. St. Gerard is the Patron Saint of Motherhood, and this medal depicts the Saint and you are supposed to wear it around your neck. I prayed every day and I wore the medal every day of trying to conceive and and every day since I found out I was pregnant. Once I found out I was going to miscarry I felt somehow betrayed by the medal and took it off. To this day I haven’t put it back on, and I am beginning to think I made a mistake.
I know I have shared the story of Our Loss and the story of my miscarraige openly, but I feel like I haven’t shared much beyond that. That is because I am still dealing with the physical aspects of a miscarriage, and so far we have yet to be able to move on. And it continues. Thursday I went to the doctor to find out that everything is gone, and we are free to move on. My mistake! 1 month after the fact he found some fluid that is still lingering. I am so sad. Why won’t it just leave?? The doctor told me I have 3 choices. 1: to wait for it to go naturally, 2: take the medication again, or 3: to have a D&C. I could not believe my ears. I had to go through it all again? I asked what he would recommend and he told me a mixture of 2 and 3. He said he could tell that waiting for it to happen naturally would drive me crazy…and that is very true. Since my husband and I decided that we originally did not want the D&C for many reasons I couldn’t believe that it could still come to me having to have one. So I was left to take the meds again. To go through everything all over again. Then…if the fluid doesn’t come out than I will be forced to have a D&C to get it all cleared out. What I originally didn’t want might be my only option to move on? So Thursday I took the meds…if you read the previous post then you know the rest.
So now I will do what I should’ve done in the beginning. Turn to the big guy above…God. I have been talking to him every day, but I think it’s time to start wearing my medal again. I have to have faith that everything does happen for a reason…and Life just doesn’t suck.