As many of you can imagine I have had alot on my mind. I haven’t felt like myself, and I feel like my life has taken a backseat to all the emotions I have been feeling. My week vacation at the Jersey shore was exactly what I needed. I had my family (minus my husband and dog 🙁 which was tough ), I had peace and I had the ocean. What more could a girl want? Everything that went down with the miscarriage happened over weeks. Therefore my head was pretty focused on that. My work has definitely suffered but I am very lucky that my boss…my dad…is understanding and let me deal with things as I pleased. But now, I think it’s time I got back into the swing of my life…
I am still dealing with things both physically and emotionally at this point, but since I am now beginning to feel more like myself I think it’s time I start focusing on all the good in my life. I am young, and I am ready to enjoy the rest of my summer. It’s hard to just go back to the way it was before…I mean finding out you are pregnant is so exciting. Even though you know there are risks you start to plan, and imagine the months ahead. You have so much to look forward to…now as I go back to my daily routine I feel such a mixture of things, but I guess that is all part of the grieving process. Everyone always says that people aren’t able to relate to what you are going through unless they’ve been through it themselves, in this situation I totally agree. It’s hard for others to know I’m hurting because on the outside I look ok. I’m physically fine, and physically capable of going about my life…what they don’t know is that I’m sad, i’m angry, I’m anxious, I am nervous, and that although the miscarriage is pretty much over with…I still have out of whack hormones. What a bundle of joy right?
It’s similar to the feeling I had after I returned home from my honeymoon…although at that time I was so so happy I got back and realized that I was just supposed to live my life. I pretty much had a blank slate in front of me. It was hard to go back to daily routines and not have my wedding to look forward to anymore. That’s how I feel now. Who knows what will happen next? They say when people plan God laughs…well for a planner like me God must be laughing alot.
So now it’s back to my life…and reality is kicking in. Gotta work to pay the bills and get my house in order. It’s amazing what a mess it got over the past few weeks when I didn’t have it in me to clean. After that, all that’s left to do is sit back, relax and enjoy my summer. I gotta admit that I love watching TV at night with my glass of wine, and sipping margaritas by the pool with my friends. It’s the silver lining folks…that’s what I am going to focus on!