sunshine

Every morning I am woken up to the sound of the words “mommy”. Every morning, my first instinct is to cringe because I want to sleep more, but then I remember the face that I get to go see. The face of my precious little boy who is just waiting for me to get him. The little boy who is ready to start his day, and I get so excited to give him a huge hug and kiss. No matter what happens during my “adult day” (which is different than my mommy day) I am able to deal with it the moment my son snuggles in my arms. He makes everything OK for a little while because I know I need to be OK for him. That’s why I think I have been able to cope a little better after this loss. Does it make the loss hurt any less? No….it still really sucks…but it helps to know I have my little man at home who needs his mommy. He is my sunshine during any cloudy day.

I know some other people who have had multiple miscarriages, and I remember asking them if the pain was any less because they had a child already. I remember feeling very insensitive by asking, but I just had to know. The pain crushed me the first time, and I had to ask, because I didn’t think I could handle that pain again. I had to have some hope. But the answers I got were “no…it wasn’t easier”.

I am here to give a different answer. Maybe people really feel it wasn’t easier, but sometimes I wonder if they feel they have to give that answer. I feel bad being honest about my feelings, but if I can’t be honest here what’s the point? Don’t get me wrong. I am crushed again….I still feel broken, but this time I had my son. This time I had no time to wallow in self pity. There was no down time to think it all through…my son needs me to be happy for him…so I am. Another point is I know that no matter what happens in the future I was able to bring my son into this world. I have him. That fact helps. The first time I didn’t know if my dream of becoming a mother would ever come true…I didn’t know what the future held, but now…I have him. He made that dream come true.

I have a very blurry future ahead of me…don’t we all? I am terrified of what’s in store. I don’t think I could take another 7 months of TTC, or who knows..maybe longer. But no matter what my TTC journey is, and what may happens with future pregnancies, I know my son will bring me happiness. I don’t have time to over think it all. I will keep busy…smile as much as I can (which is easy when he’s around)…and keep my head up. My little man…my sunshine gives me that gift. For that I am thankful.