Our Loss

There is a club out there that both women and men are part of…a club that once you are a member you wish you weren’t….a club who’s members have experienced a miscarriage. Growing up you are always taught how not to have a baby. No one ever tells you that once you are grown up and ready, that it could be either difficult to actually conceive, or that 20% or more of all women have a miscarriage. It’s amazing that once you are in the club how many people reveal themselves. If for one second you think you are alone, there is another woman out there who is willing to offer her support and tell you her story. And it is amazing at the comfort that it brings. Some feel that it’s something to keep to yourself. That it’s private…but I don’t necessarily feel that way. I feel that if I can share our story and make just one woman not feel alone..then I have helped. And writing this can also help to heal me.

My husband and I found out that we were pregnant on June 5th 2009.  It was such a wonderful day. We were shocked and surprised and very happy. We decided that we wanted to tell our parents in person so we decided to wait the 2 weeks till my parents were in town for a visit. It was so great having that secret between the two of us. I was ready to burst at the seams! We decided to have both sets of parents over for dinner. I would cook and before dinner we would spill the beans. I bought grandma and grandpa frames and in them put a picture of the three digital tests I took to confirm the pregnancy. It was such a wonderful night. They were so happy and excited. This would be their first grandchild.

When I first found out I was pregnant my doctor said he wouldn’t see me till I was 7 or 8 weeks. I was so excited that I didn’t want to wait that long. They agreed to see me at what I thought would be 6 weeks 4 days. Looking back I wish they hadn’t agreed to that. My husband and I went to our first appointment the following week. We were so excited because based on my calculations we should hear a heartbeat and see the little sucker. The doctor started the sonogram and I could tell in an instant the news wasn’t good. He said he only saw the sack with nothing in it, and that he wasn’t optimistic. He said it was either I was WAY early in my calculations, or the fetus was not developing. We were heartbroken, but tried to hope that it was the first of the two scenarios. It certainly wasn’t what we expected. We kept telling ourselves that the doctor was just covering his butt and had to be pessimistic. He told us to come back in a week so we could get more of a definitive answer. Due to my low levels of progesterone they put me on progesterone suppositories. He wasn’t optimistic about them being any help either, but I knew in my heart that I needed to do everything in my power to try to keep this a healthy pregnancy.

Over the next week the only symptoms I really had were exhaustion and a constant need for water. 75% of women get morning sickness and I did not have that. Although pe0ple told me not everyone gets sick, I was a little weary. I remained positive though and really tried to think that the symptoms I did have were good ones, and a sign that things were progressing. We went to our second sonogram about a week later. Right away the doctor told us I had what was called a Blighted Ovum or empty sack. As you can imagine it was awful to hear. The doctor must’ve felt sorry for us because he told me my bladder was really full and I should go to the bathroom and come back. He said maybe it would help him see something better. So I did. When I returned we saw what could’ve been a little spot of something growing. He said it’s better to be safe than sorry, and that I should come back again in a week. Yes, we were left to wait again. This time we got our hopes up a bit because my exhaustion continued. At this point we already spilled the beans to many of our friends and family and over the 4th of July got tons of congratulations. My response was always “well it’s still early”. I guess part of me still wasn’t positive our spot was in there.

Well fastforward to this past Tuesday night and we were told there was a 0% chance that my pregnancy was progressing. I definitely had a blighted Ovum, and I would miscarry. We were devastated! So far it’s been about 3 weeks since our first appointment and we had so much anticipation and it all ended with this bad news. The doctor reminded us that we already did the hard part and got pregnant. That was a huge plus. He emphasised that we WOULD have a baby. Just not this baby. I personally think that part of me knew that this would be the outcome. I think the fact that we had no good news other than that first positive pregnancy test lessened the blow. The good news is that my husband and I have eachother, and great family and friends and we will get through this hard time.

So what did I learn? What can I tell others? First things first…do not go to the doctors until you are 8 weeks along. Don’t rush it. Nature will take it’s course no matter what you do. Going early will give you no comfort. It will just leave you waiting. If you wait the 8 weeks you will go along thinking everything is fine. I honestly believe that has to be a better feeling than the uncertainty we went through. Another thing I learned is I was happy that we told our family and friends. Some choose to wait the 3 months so that if something happens no one knows…but I don’t feel that way. I like to talk things out and the love and support of others is so helpful. I have truly utilized the women who post on LI families. So many have gone through similar experiences and talking to them and having them offer their support is so helpful. It is amazing how supportive even strangers can be.

I have chosen to write this post because I wanted to be honest. This blog is like a journal for me, and it helps when I write things down. I will be a mom someday and my husband will make the most wonderful father. I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason…and I believe that God has a plan for us. So far I am not exactly sure what that plan is, but what I do know is that I am lucky for my husband, my dog, my family and my friends. Although this is a hard time in our life there is so much for us to be thankful for, and I am going to focus on that.

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34 Responses to Our Loss

  1. jen-
    i’m so sorry :(
    but you are so right about everything happening for a reason, whether we can see the reason yet or not – i take comfort in knowing there is a bigger plan out there.
    its inspiring to read about your experience. you’re going to make your future baby so proud to have a mama like you :)
    xoxo

  2. Jen, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be experiencing. You are fortunate to have such a supportive family while you go through this time in your life. I don’t question your pain but be encouraged that God has a plan even though at times like this is SO hard to understand. When I had gone for my first ultrasound with Andrew, the ultrasound showed a second sac that was most likely a second child but it had not survived either beyond the first few weeks. It was heartbreaking to know this but also I knew that the baby probably had a lot of health issues and was with God already.

    I want to share some verses with you that have encouraged me in the past and show that through your experience and pain you can help others:

    2nd Corinthians 1:3,4
    3.Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4. who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

  3. Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate the support. Tess you’ve been great to chat with, I hope we keep it up. I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Keep me posted on you! Lynn thank you for the verse. I do believe God has a plan for me, and it always helps to be reminded.

  4. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I pray that God will bless you with a sucessful pregnancy soon. Thank you for your honesty.

  5. Thank you for sharing this story. I always feel so sad when I read about this happening to someone but you have such a positive attitude and a neat way of handling really tough situations. I have no doubt that you both will be wonderful parents one day, all in Gods time.

  6. I am sorry. I know loss. I buried a son @ 10 months old in 1972. Joshua David Brown.
    My suggestion is to trust in your creator that this happened for a reason and that there is another time, place for everything under the sun. Offer it up and put your trust in he who causes all things to become. Mourn your loss but don’t let it consume you. God knows exactly what has happened, why and who you and your husband and this child are.

  7. Jen, thank you for sharing your story. Your courage and strength are an inspiration for others experiencing disappoinment and grief. You are in my prayers.

  8. I can tell writing that brought you some relief…and knowing how much your family and friends love you truly does help…I’m certain of that. You and Evan will be great parents…and that day will come! Much love to you and Evan!!!!

  9. Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss. A loss at any time is very hard. Please know that so many people are thinking of you and your husband and wishing you peace during this tough time.

    The March of Dimes has created a Bereavement Kit for families who have suffered a loss. It contains fact sheets on reasons for loss, including blighted ovum, and booklets that deal with the issues From Hurt to Healing; What Do You Say?; When You’re Ready to Try Again; and Resources. You can read about it at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp . If you or a family member would like to have one of these helpful and free kits, please send an email requesting it to the following address: bkit@marchofdimes.com.

  10. Jen- I’m so sorry for your loss. I admire your strength and courage that allowed you to share your experience. For myself, talking out the difficult situations in life leads me to acceptance. You are in my prayers.

  11. Your story is so similiar to mine in every way. It’s like I’m reading my story.

    I am only 20, my husband and I were hoping we could have children in like 4 years, so we are still hoping we can have children around that time.

    Are you going to try again soon? I know you said you were shocked, so were you trying before?

  12. I totally share your sentiments. I am hurting and this is a difficult time…but I don’t regret telling the people I consider the closest in my life(ok and maybe like 4 customers and the ups guy) because you know what…I DID lose a baby…but just because I lost it doesn’t mean it never existed. I WAS pregnant, and we DID make a baby…and I feel that that baby deserved acknowledgment for the blessing in our life that it was.

    I’ve learned a few things from this experience.

    The first thing I’ve learned from this…is that if my Husband and I can get through this stronger…as I believe we have, then we can get through anything.

    The second thing I’ve learned is that I’ve already lost one of the most important things to me…so what exactly do I have to be afraid of in my life? I have no reason to be scared to do anything anymore. I’m gonna try again…because whats the worst that can happen? I’ve already experienced it!

    and last…I’ve learned Patience. no matter how much you worry, prepare & plan…The world goes according to a plan way different than the one I’m writing…so take a deep breath, exhale…and just be willing to accept your fate. “Man Plans, God decides”

  13. I’m so sorry you went through this..Thanks for sharing though. I know this will help women that have or will experience similar loss.

  14. I really am sorry that you had to go through this. I went through it twice and was told that I should get used to the idea of being sterile/infertile. But God had other plans. I now have 4 beautiful, healthy kiddies. And soon, you will have Pooh Bear! :)

  15. I am so sorry for the lost of your first baby but am happy to you are pregnant now. As a person who can’t conceive ‘naturally’ I completely understand the heartbreak and disappointment of that damn period showing up.

    Enjoy your pregnancy.

    Happy SITS day.

    • I’m sorry for what you are going through. It’s so sad that women have to go through anything like it. Thanks for the kind words!:)

  16. Not that it’s much consolation, but it might help to know you weren’t alone – more than a million women miscarry each year in the U.S. I had a friend who went through pretty much exactly the same thing (early detection of blighted ovum) and she found comfort in that. Oh, and if you’re worried in any way about a repeat, that friend? She now has a rad baby girl.

    • It does help to know all that now, although at the time it didn’t. it just made me angry to know how many women went through it and I didnt know about it..lol once it happened to me and I spoke about it so many women in my real life stepped forward to say it happened to them. It’s sad, but it’s good to know that I can go on to get pregnant again. I am still nervous every day, but truly blessed.

  17. I actually wrote about my loss just yesterday. Unlike you, I didn’t like to talk about it. I still really don’t. I just felt like I needed to get it all out there and let other women know that they arne’t alone. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • alot of people are not comfortable talking about it. I find it theraputic, but that’s just me. by opening up I found so many women just like me and it helped me so much. Like you said, I felt alone, and I hated that feeling so when I reached out so many people responded back with thanks that I told my story. Thanks for your kind words.

  18. Your post was beautiful. I am sorry for your loss.

    I’ve never understood the 3 month wait. I, like you, feel better knowing that I shared the joy of a baby on the way, no matter how short that baby’s time was here on the earth. There is still a mourning for the loss of what could have been and I know I would want to shoulder that grief with my loved ones.

    • I feel that way also…I would want to share my joys and my sorrows with my friends nad loved ones. It is a time of celebration, and I feel i deserve that no matter what the outcome. No 3 month wait for me! Thank you.

  19. I’m sad to say that I’m a member of the club. Miscarriage happened in my first marriage. At that time, I didn’t know I had a thyroid problem. The doctors think that caused the miscarriage, but only learned of the thyroid problem years and years later. I had to wait a week as well, because the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. That week lasted a year in my heart.

    • I’m sorry you are a member of the club also. It’s amazing how long you have to wait to find out if there is a problem. They say 3 miscarriages before they test? I know alot of OB’s know that it happens a lot but that doesn’t help the individual.

  20. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how it must have felt to be stuck in a waiting game. And then to have it all end with a heartbreak. Whether you feel stronger or not, you ARE. And now you will be an even better parent for this new little bean on the way.

    Following :)

  21. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. I can’t imagine what pain that caused for both you and your husband.

    I am glad that you now are pregnant!!!!

    Happy SITS Day

  22. I’m sorry that you had this experience. Thank you for sharing. So many of us are not aware about the probability of a miscarriage. It’s heart breaking, yet not many understand the pain. Congratulations on your pregnancy! What a great phase of life to enter.
    Happy SITS Day

  23. Reading this broke my heart but it was great to see how positive you were about things. Congratulations on your current pregnancy!

    Happy SITS Day!

    Cheers :-)

  24. Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, am a member of that club and for me, having my son really did help ease (not erase, but ease) that heartache. I pray it does the same for you.

  25. Jen, your story is very moving and provides great hope. My husband and I are 3/3 and have just decided to try again. Even if the unfortunate happens again, we’re still here for eachother and our love is stronger than ever. Everything else is just icing.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I’m so happy you decided to try again. Have you seen a specialist? I’m happy you and your DH are strong together. That is so important when you are going through such heartache.
      Good luck! If you ever want to talk about it more feel free to contact me!

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