For someone who always has a ton to say I am rather speechless and numb. I honestly thought that I would be writing one of my happiest posts here this week, and instead, I am crushed and have to share with you terrible news. I was supposed to be telling you all that I was pregnant. I was supposed to be sharing our first real sonogram picture with our new addition waving at the camera. I had “soon to be big brother” shirts waiting, and I was dying to spill the beans. This time I was able to keep the secret. But I guess that wasn’t in the cards for me. Instead…the only news I received was that my child was no longer growing in my belly. That that baby I thought was 12 weeks along was not, and that I had suffered my second miscarriage. I am in total shock really. This news came to me the day before our scheduled ultrascreen appointment because I started to bleed. All I can really say is that it’s just not fair. I had my turn for this sadness. I already suffered my loss….so why did it have to happen again? Why?
I have been hoarding posts over the past 8 weeks about my pregnancy. Captain Awesome and I got lucky on our first try and we were ecstatic. We were going to have our summer baby (I always wanted a summer baby). Our families were beyond happy and so were we. Albeit overwhelmed with the move and being homeless, but we loved the idea that we would soon be filling all the bedrooms in our new home. We were going to have a baby.
We went to the dreaded 8 week appointment where our hearts were crushed when we suffered our loss in 2009, but this time we heard the heartbeat! Yay! What a milestone. I remember the feeling when we heard it with our little man. The sigh of relief that the odds were in our favor. I had to go on believing all would be OK. I just had to or I would drive myself insane. So I allowed myself to be happy. So happy that we even told a few more people, and soon we hit the week before the ultrascreen appointment. The big 12 week one. I felt my belly was bigger…I started to feel better which I attributed to passing the first trimester, and I told even more people. More family…more friends. I was happy.
Then…the day before the appointment I went to the bathroom and saw blood. Dark blood..but blood and I panicked. The OB’s office told me it was normal but I said I wanted to come in to ease my head. So I went with my mom. I saw the sono machine all set up and was waiting to hear.. “see there is your baby and heartbeat…all is fine”. But I didn’t. I could tell the instant I saw the sono. The baby didn’t look like what I would expect to see at 12 weeks. No fingers, no body….none of that. Then I saw the Dr. shake her head. She said “I’m sorry but I don’t see a heartbeat”, and my heart sank. No way was this happening again. I had my turn. I said. “When?” and she said “just over 8 weeks”. I cried.
But I heard the heartbeat? The doctor told me it was strong? How could I go on another month with a baby in my belly not growing? It’s not fair. I feel so cheated. I feel so angry, and I keep replaying that appointment in my head hoping I can imagine it happening a different way but I can’t. It happened. As a matter of fact as I write this I have already had my D&C. The baby is gone. But in my head I imagine it still there…when will it sink in?
The only thing really holding me together is my son. He is my pride and joy. His smile lights up my world and reminds me of all the good in my life. I can’t fall apart because of him. He needs me each and every day and I will be there for him 100%. I will lean on Captain Awesome like I did before. He was my rock, and I remember all too well how much he was there for me. I will need him again.
I think that’s all I can share right now…so much has happened in the last week. So many emotions and so much change. 2013 hasn’t been my year and it just started. It can only go up from here right?