I am currently going through the period of my life where all of my friends are getting married. It’s funny how it works out, but it seems that it all happens at the same time. When my husband and I got married we decided that we would take the gifts given to us by our friends who were getting married the following year, and put that money into an ING account. That way when they get married, we can just give them back the same money they gave us, because in reality it was never really ours to begin with. As a group we probably should’ve just decided not to give gifts to eachother because it just all evened out in the end. So those gifts were easy. But what really is an appropriate wedding gift? Personally I think the gifting has become ridiculous. How can we afford to keep up with it?
This question has gone back and forth between me and my friends for years. Some people believe that you give a gift based on the cost of your plate, but I don’t think that is right. Why am I paying for someone elses extravagencies? Or, if someone chooses to save money and have a smaller affair should they get less from me? Personally I don’t think so. I know out here on Long Island, weddings could be upward of $200 per plate or more…does that mean I give $400?? Who can afford to do that?
I am pretty proud to say that I have pretty much come to terms with what I feel is right to give as a gift. Obviously, I will be giving the same amount to someone that they gave me for my wedding, but outside of that I’m sticking to what I believe. I also think you have to think about how well you know the person.
It’s sometimes a battle between me and my husband because he is more willing to give more than I am. Before we were married we just gave what we thought was right to our respective friends. If it was my friend I gave what I wanted and if it was his he gave what he wanted. Now it’s a bit more of a struggle. It kind of helped that we got married before many of our friends. At least then we knew what to give to them.
So what do you think? How does gifting work in your household? Do you base your gift on different circumstances or do you gift all the same?
We give what we can. Sometimes that means only $150 and sometimes that means $400. It depends on where we are financially and how close we are to the people.
Or at times we have had friends who didn’t want to receive monetary gifts and only gift registry items and we try to be reasonable there as well.
To add to that the whole ‘you pay what your plate costs” thing is something I do not pay any mind to.
It isn’t my burden to help someone else pay for their extravagance. If they choose to have a $400 dollar plate that is their financial burden not mine. I don’t think it should be expected that their guests take that into account.
I totally agree with you Sol…I shouldn’t pay for their extravagences..and like you said it’s what you can afford. You shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone by giving big gifts. Especially if it harms you financially.
For years, I went by the “plate/head” rule, but then, I wasn’t always able to do that, so I threw that “rule” out the window.
We give based on OUR ability and not their’s. Some of our friends can afford a lot more, so it’s easy to feel that we should give them a lot more. But, we can’t. So, we don’t. We give according to current circumstances, and basically, as much as we can. If we feel that we can fill a need, or express our gratitude to them by giving more that usual, then we do.
For us, there is no flat rate for gifts.
You sound sensible about finances. I don’t think you have to worry. But, yeah, wedding gifts can get ridiculous – think about all the different showers and parties…
My hubby and I got married years before most of our friends and when they did start getting married, it got expensive just like you said. We handled it by giving the same amount (usually $100) to a charity in the couples name. Don’t know if that is PC but the way we worked it out =)
I’ve been trying to figure this out, too-it does seem like weddings come in waves. For me, a lot has to do with how close I am to the bride and groom. The closer I am, the more I’ll spend and the more thought I put into the gift. It’s tricky, though!