I experienced a bit of a sucker punch today when I looked at the calendar and realized that January is almost over. This means that had I not had a miscarriage this past summer, I would be EXTREMELY close to my due date of February 13th. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 9 months since I conceived. Who knew this is how things would turn out?

I honestly believed that I would be pregnant by the time my original due date came around…I mean I found out that I would miscarry in July. I had no idea that it would be so hard to get pregnant this time around. But it has been hard, and it has been a long time, so that’s why it came as such a shock when I realized the date. I really thought I would have a baby in 2010, but it seems that we are almost running out of time for that dream to come true. As it stands, in a best case scenerio we are looking at October…but November and December could certainly be a reality.

It’s funny…before we began TTC I always said that I didn’t want a Christmas baby. I felt that it wasn’t fair for the child to share his/her birthday anywhere close to such a big holiday in my family….but as we are nearing what could be a Christmas baby, I realize that it doesn’t matter when that child is born. I will love it and make their birthday the most special day EVER! No matter what.

So I am wallowing a bit. But I’m allowed to right? The good news is that my mom is in town, so the two of us will keep busy. It will be comforting to have my mind on other more fun things. Don’t worry readers..I’m ok….if you read Friday’s post you know that I am enjoying life. The punch in the gut just hurt..but my breath will be back shortly.

The morning I found out I was NOT pregnant, I actually took a pregnancy test which obviously was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. You know what happened 5 minutes after I took the test??? Aunt Flow showed her ugly and horrid face. She mocked me, and laughed very loudly. I was defeated. I honestly thought that this month was it. I was looking for signs and I thought that I would find out that I was pregnant and get to tell Captain Awesome on his birthday. I imagined waking him up and giving him the great news as his first birthday present. But it wasn’t in the cards. So I cried….

So what did I do next? I got in the car. I had to take my Tinkerbell to the vet. I wiped away my tears and drove….and during this drive something amazing happened. I started to relax! A wave of peace washed over me. I came to the realization that God decides when it is my time to have a baby. I realized that I just had to let go. I had to let go of the anxiety, and I had to let go of the idea that I can control my destiny. I remembered that I got pregnant the first time by relaxing and enjoying life. I didn’t plan, I didn’t track ovulation, and most of all I didn’t STRESS!

So I am done…I am relinquishing control. I plan to think about ANYTHING other than getting pregnant. I am going to live my life, and que sera sera…what will be will be.