Summer is my favorite season, and always has been. In my eyes nothing beats the warm weather, and long days. Not to mention sipping margaritas by the pool and beach. Just talking about it makes me long for the summer months. They certainly can’t get here fast enough! This year in particular needs to be a good summer. Why? Well, I have realized that the past 2 summers have somewhat lacked in the carefree and fun department, and to be honest, I think I will have to make up for them both this year.

The summer of 2009 brought me a lot of sadness. For those that don’t know it was the summer that I suffered my miscarriage. The summer started with the best news of finding out I was pregnant, and quickly turned into the saddest summer I could remember. Not only was I left to deal with the emotional pain of the loss, but the physical effects lasted through out the entire summer. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost, and therefore that summer is left to be remembered as one of total sadness.

2010 was a summer of joy. I was pregnant and happy. My dreams were about to come true! But as happy as I was to be pregnant, and as much as I enjoyed it, I wouldn’t necessarily say it was a bundle of laughs. The no alcohol thing was rough. As sad as it sounds I have to ask..is it really summer without Mojitos and margaritas? Umm no! I couldn’t go on my friends boats, or play in the ocean (ya I said play..I love the ocean!). Don’t get me wrong, I was so excited to be preggers, but it definitely led to a more “relaxed” summer then I am used to.

This summer is going to be different. This summer I get to experience my favorite season through new eyes. I get to experience it through the eyes of my son. I get to watch him be introduced to sand, and the ocean. I get to take him to the park, and into the pool. Along with all of those things I get to also relax with maybe a margarita or two! I am so excited for this summer to be a happy one! I have so much to look forward to.

The warm summer days can’t come soon enough, and I think I deserve them. It’s time for this girl to make a ton of new and great memories. Summertime..here I come!

I wrote this post last year on February 13th, which was the original due date of the baby that we lost. I decided to repost this because I wanted to share with those of you out there in a similar situation I was in, that when it comes to wanting a baby what a difference a year can make. Last year, at this very exact time I was so sad. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…but look at me now. This year I have my son. My beautiful baby boy and I couldn’t be happier. So keep hoping…keep trying…and someday you too will get your miracle.

I am sad…I will admit it. I have been working so hard at staying positive and being happy, but sometimes the sadness creeps in and there is nothing I can do. This week has been hard. It’s really hard knowing that had everything gone right I would be getting ready to meet my son or daughter. But it didn’t go right, and February 13th (my original due date) is tomorrow, and there is no baby in my belly. I am just as far away at becoming a mom as I was last summer. Nine months have come and gone and everything is still the same….so that makes me sad. I found myself randomly crying this week. I also found myself being a complete Bit$h for no reason. But don’t I get to feel that way? Aren’t I allowed to be sad and angry sometimes? But once I have finished crying, and I allow good thoughts to come back I remember that this weekend also means a lot of good things. This weekend marks 9 years since The Captain and I went on our first date, and this weekend also marks the 4 year anniversary of the night we got engaged. So I am reminded about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. And although it will be hard, I plan on remembering that happiness should always trump sadness. Let’s hope it does this time.

February 14, 2001 Captain Awesome asked me out on our first “offical date”. It was actually a bold move since we weren’t officially dating at that time, but it was nice to know that he cared enough about me to spend the biggest Hallmark Holiday with me. He took me out to an Italian restaurant named “Cafe Testarosa”. I am a very picky eater and wouldn’t share calimari with him, and I remember being scared to eat my penne ala vodka because of all the green parsely on top. Last thing I need was green thingys stuck in my teeth1 It was a great first date, and to this day we celebrate Valentine’s day at that very same restaurant.

February 14, 2007 was an extremely cold and icy night. We had been dating  a VERY long time and I was frustrated we weren’t engaged yet. That night The Captain ended up having to work late since he worked for an evil law firm. Didn’t they know it was Valentine’s day?? So I sat and waited. That night, just like the other Valentine’s Day we had plans to go to Cafe Testarosa. But that year would be different. That year the man of my dreams proposed to me! We ate dinner and when ordering he told me to save room for dessert. So when dessert was brought out..there on the plate was a beautiful sparkly diamond! When I turned to him, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. It was just perfect. It’s a Valentine’s day I will remember forever.

So needless today there is a lot to celebrate on Valentine’s day. For us it no longer is a stupid Hallmark Holiday. It has a lot of history. But this year a little shadow looms over the days. This year the sadness has crept into my heart. I want to WANT to celebrate, but sometimes I just want to curl up by myself and hide. But I won’t hide. I am known to put on a happy face and go on. But here in my blog I can be honest with myself…here I can say this week I am/was sad and no I don’t want to talk about it.  But I have to hope that my mind will allow the Happiness to win over the sadness. It just has to because the last thing I want to do is wallow. The last thing I want to do is be sad….So I am choosing happiness. Mind over matter right?

Today is Day 2 of the SITS Girls Back to Blogging event. Thank you to the event sponsors Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath and Florida Builder Appliances. Today’s assignment is to re-upload a post you wish more people had read and explain why it was important to you

Sometimes I sit back and am amazed at how different my life is now compared to where The Captain and I were last year at this time. Last year I was feeling so much sadness, and I felt so lost. Today, I am almost 7 months pregnant and expecting the biggest joy of my life…our baby boy. Below is a post I wrote when we finally got the OK to move on (physically) after my miscarriage. Looking back I can remember those feelings all too well . I wanted to share this because it’s a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others that eventually it all works out.  So much has happened between then and now. What a difference a year makes…

Our Loss: What I Have Learned

I was talking to my friend the other day and she said something very profound. She is a religious person, and we were talking about having the belief that everything happens for a reason, and how at this point I am not sure of the reason why my husband and I had to suffer like we did. She said something that made me think. She said that maybe the reason really didn’t have to do with me, that maybe it wasn’t a lesson I had to learn, but maybe the reason was for me to go through this so I could help someone else. And that got me thinking…Not everything is about me is it? Our life story just doesn’t affect us it affects those around us, and I actually take comfort in thinking that my situation could somehow help someone else. So with that spirit mind I wanted to write down the things I have learned through this experience, and share.

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment from my D&C. I was very nervous because since this all started I have not had 1 good appointment, but it went very smoothly. The doctor said I was good to go…and all I could think about was…FINALLY! He gave the the usual speech about not feeling guilty, and how I did the hard part of getting pregnant…I told him I do not feel guilty (which I don’t), but I am extremely nervous. He told me what I already knew…that it was normal.

I have been feeling so much better since the bleeding has stopped, (which really has only been two weeks) but to me it’s a victory. I feel like I am back in the land of the living and am happy to be going on with my life. But  moving on also leaves me to reflect on what I have learned, and I hope that by sharing this, someone out there can learn something….or at least not feel alone.

What I Have Learned:

I learned that the hardest part about the whole “getting pregnant” process is that….everything is pretty much out of your control. When I sat down with my doctor for the first time to discuss getting pregnant he told me that the average person takes 6 months to get pregnant. Did you know that?? I certainly didn’t. Our whole lives, we as women are taught how NOT to get pregnant. And then when the time comes to want to take that step, we find out it’s harder than we think! Then, when we do decide to start trying…you find that it’s all about waiting. That’s right, waiting. Waiting for your period to end so you can start again for another month, waiting to ovulate, and then waiting for the appropriate time to take a pregnancy test…THEN…if you are pregnant you have to wait to go see a doctor. So if you are ready to start the process get ready to wait!

I learned that no matter how excited you are to find out if your pregnant it is better to wait (there’s that word again) till you truly miss your period, and then maybe even a few days after that. My husband and I didn’t “try” very long. We pretty much got it on our first try. Just the idea that I COULD be pregnant got me so excited. I bought one of those early pregnancy tests and it came up positive on the digital screen! But finding out early makes it very difficult for the doctor to time how far along you are…and if you think you are farther along than you really are then you will be very disappointed and scared at your first appointments. Especially if you don’t see what you expect to see.

I learned that when the doctor tells you he doesn’t want to see you till your 8th week believe him! I was so anxious to go to the doctor. They told me I didn’t need to come in for blood work because the pregnancy test says it all. They told me to come in at 7-8 weeks. I was like..OMG how can I wait that long! So I pushed and got the doctor to see me at just before 7 weeks. BIG MISTAKE! I won’t make that one again. I feel like we are victims to technology. We learn things too early and see too much. Back in the day (or so I’m told)  the doctor would tell you not to come in till you miss 2 periods….if you miscarried and bled you just thought your period came late, then you moved on. That’s why I think we hear about miscarriages so much more than we used to. I would’ve been so much happier if I waited 8 weeks rather than gone so soon. It would’ve caused me and my husband so much less heartache than going back and forth to the doctor each week.

I learned that you really need to trust your doctor. Everyone has their own opinon about what you should do, and you certainly can’t listen to everyone or you will go insane. Listen to your doctor, weigh your options and decide for yourself what is best for you. People will tell you stories and tell you what worked for them…but what worked for them may not work for you. So go with your gut.

I learned that the worst thing anyone could say to someone who is going through or went through a miscarraige is “You should’ve done this” or “you should’ve done that”, or that any choice that was made was in any way wrong. No one wants to hear that. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda! There is no point in dwelling on what you should’ve done.

I learned that you need support, in whatever way is comfortable for you. Personally I got support from talking about what was going on. I got support from sharing through my blog, I got support from the women I met on LI families who were going through the same thing, and I got support from my family both immediate and extended. Most of all I got support from my wonderful husband. We were truly there for eachother through this whole experience, and his love and support got me through some very difficult times. I am a lucky woman to have him by my side.

The last thing I learned, or at least am learning is that the unknown future is terrifying! I am excited to move on and try again, but I am scared to death of what will happen. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but what I do know is that it is in God’s hands. I pray every day that my near future holds a healthy pregnancy, and a little bundle of joy that my husband and I can love more than anything in this world. For now I will enjoy life and take things day by day.

I always am amazed at where a year will take you. How many journeys you get to go on and how many life experiences you get to have. This past year I have been through a lot. My second year of marriage took me to places that I never thought I’d go, and if I had to put a finger on it, it all began on June 5 2009.

I woke up on that day like any other. The Captain and I hadn’t been really “trying” to have a baby, but I had a bachelorette party that weekend and since I am a nut I decided to take a home pregnancy test to be sure I WASN’T pregnant so I could go and party it up with a free conscience. I waited till Captain Awesome went to work because he always thought I was crazy to test early, and I didn’t want to deal with that. Plus I thought it would be negative and I would go on with my day. Well that wasn’t the case. The test came up with the words PREGNANT. I sat on the floor in my home office chanting the words “oh my god, oh my god”. I honestly couldn’t believe it was real. Didn’t it take months for it to actually work? Wasn’t I destined to at least TRY throughout the summer? The answer was NO! It was happening now. So I cried tears of joy.

I had always wanted to tell The Captain that we were pregnant in a fun way. I never bought anything in advance as to not jinx things, so I had to scramble to come up with something because I couldn’t keep this secret very long. So since it was close to Father’s Day I went out and bought a Father’s day card, and put the positive test inside of it so that when he opened it he would see. (don’t worry I cleaned it!) I had to take a drive to go pick up a portable navigation system, and I used that as an excuse to go to Captain Awesome’s work. I told him I wanted to show it to him. So when he came out and got in the car I gave him the card. He opened it…stared confused and I smiled. His first reaction? “I thought you told me this could take months!” lol he was as shocked as I was. We had a secret that just the two of us knew and we were both so excited.

It’s funny how I remember every minute of that day. I can play it all back in my head. How could I have possibly known it would’ve gone so terribly wrong? Now, 1 year later, I am over 12 weeks pregnant again. The whole journey was/is a whole lesson in the fact that we really have no control. That we can’t plan our life’s path in advance, and that life has a funny way of surprising you in both good and bad ways.

And you know what? If you are going through what I went through I promise that the joy of being pregnant again takes away most of the pain of the past.  I am positive that it will all be worth it in the end, and that we all end up exactly where we are supposed to. Trust me, that I did not know that as I was going through it. But as we come up to June 5th yet again, I am left to reflect on it all, and to do that you have to think back to where the journey began. June 5 2009. Let’s just all hope that as June 14th rolls around, and my 3rd year of marriage begins, that with it comes wonderful and new experiences with our new little miracle Pooh bear.

Sometimes in life I wish there was a fast forward button we could hit just to move things along a little quicker. Or maybe a preview or info button that would allow us to see a glimpse into our future. Unfortunately, that does not exist, and I am stuck waiting for my first appointment for another few days. I do my best to try not to wish this time away, because people try to remind me to enjoy every second of pregnancy, but I have to admit that right now it’s difficult. I feel so scared and on edge, and with out my nightly glass of red wine to calm things down I am left with my head spinning. I can’t help it! It’s in my genes. I totally blame my mom and grandma for that! But I won’t lie to you my dear readers. Nope not me. I will openly admit that I wish it was already June, and I was already over 12 weeks along. Maybe then I can breath a little freer?

Like everything else in life, when you are waiting for something to happen time moves so slowly. I try to keep myself busy, but during the day I find it almost impossible to focus on work. I’m lucky to have a great boss and dad who has allowed me to slack a bit, because I don’t know how people who go to an office every day do it? How do you focus? I am sure it would be better if I worked hard and kept my mind off things, but I just can’t.

The reason for the fast forward is that most of this supposed enjoyable time is wasted on me. This time around I haven’t opened one baby book, and I haven’t signed up on any online sites such as baby center because to be honest I am just scared to. After our loss last summer I threw the baby books into my closet not to be seen, and I continued to get e mails from baby center and other sites telling me how far along I was when I wasn’t. I had a heck of a time figuring out how to turn that stuff off! And I couldn’t risk that happening again. It’s like reading a baby book will open up my heart and I am not positive it’s ready to be opened yet. This time around we have been pretty hush hush about the pregnancy. We don’t really talk about it. As much as I want to acknowledge it, it is difficult knowing the horror that could happen when we go to our first appointment on Monday.

So really my life lays in wait for that first appointment. I am resting which is good for me and the baby and continuing my acupuncture appointments. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly excited and happy. They say that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but what they should say is 80% go to full term. That’s a better number if you ask me. So I will focus on that better looking 80%, and hope that Monday brings me good news. So if anyone out there knows where the fast forward button is I would appreciate it. Maybe send me to somewhere in June? That should just about do it!

While reviewing this post to go up during my pregnancy update week I stumbled upon a post from a favorite blog of mine called Two of a Kind Working On a Full House which really made me stop and think about this post, and made me cry as well because it’s so true. It goes along the lines of my post from last week titled Happiness is a Journey Not a Destination and again it is a reminder that I just need to enjoy where I am at now. In her post she shares these lyrics, and video and it’s just perfect….

You’re Gonna Miss This -Trace Adkins

She was starin’ out the window of that suv
Complainin’ saying i cant wait to turn 18
I’ll make my own money and I’ll make my own rules
mama put the car in park out there in front of the school
and she kissed her head and said i was just like you

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn’t gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this

before she knows it shes a brand new bride
in her one bedroom apartment and her daddy stops by
he tells her its a nice place, she says itll do for now
starts talkin bout babies and buyin a house
daddy shakes his head and says, baby slow down

cause your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadnt gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this

five years later theres a plumber workin on the water heater, dogs barkin, phones ringin, one kids crying
ones screamin and she keeps apoligizin
he says they dont bother me ive got 2 babies of my own
ones 36, ones 23, huh its hard to beleive

but your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn’t gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this

your gonna miss this
oh yeah, your gonna miss this

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIBediEAcUQ[/youtube]

Well dear readers I have been keeping a secret from you, and I want to honestly say I am so so so sorry. You have no idea how much I wanted to share every minute of the last four weeks with you, but I hope you can understand why I didn’t. If you haven’t guessed by now I will put you out of your misery. My dear readers I am PREGNANT! That’s right, you read that correctly. I have come one step closer in my journey towards motherhood, and I couldn’t be any happier.

Most of you are aware that I suffered a miscarriage with my first pregnancylast July. It was an awful and horrible experience that no woman deserves to go through. I’d like to say that the experience has made me stronger, but most days I believe that it made me weaker. It broke a lot of my spirit, and the wonderful naivete that should be felt when you are pregnant. It made my hopes and dreams seem so unattainable, and as much as I tried not to, I really believe I put my life on hold. I was living my life just waiting for that miracle to happen for me again.

The good news is that I WAS blessed with a miracle again. On my 7th cycle post miscarriage I FINALLY got my big fat positive (BFP)! (I promise to share that story with you at another time) I always knew that it COULD happen each month, but as each month passed, my confidence that it WOULD happen got less and less. The horrible feeling when AF arrived each month is enough to drive any woman crazy, let alone one that suffered a loss. Each month I was reminded what was NOT in store in my future. Each months my dreams were shattered.

But not this time. This time April brought me good luck and a pee stick that read PREGNANT! Just seeing those words made me feel so many new emotions that I wasn’t sure how to feel them all. Especially since they were all coming at the same time! I was happy, scared, nervous, joyful, panicked and many other adjectives that seem to be fleeing from my brain right now. All I could think was “wow, here we go again!”

I decided to wait to spill the beans on my blog till after our first appointment. I knew that no matter what the outcome was, I would share it with you, but for myself I just needed to have that appointment. It made it more real.  To be honest, sometimes my readers have offered more support than people in real life because they knew exactly what I was feeling. It’s amazing how complete strangers can bring you so much comfort.. That’s why I am so excited to share this news with you now.

There is so much to share and tell and I promise to share it all. Don’t I always? The good, the bad and the ugly right? I just want to give each topic the time it deserves so I can tell it just right. But I will tell you this now. On Monday, at around 12:00 PM, Captain Awesome and I heard the strong little heartbeat of our amazing little miracle. We were in awe of the little flutter that we saw coming from our little bean. The doctor was happy and optimistic, and for now I feel like I can breath a semi sigh of relief. And that my friends feels amazing!

Captain Awesome and I decided a little less than a year ago that we wanted to start a family. With just that one little statement so many other things got set into motion. We had plans. But now, looking back, the words of my doctor now come back to haunt me “when people plan God laughs”. Isn’t that the truth! The problem with plans is that they don’t always work out, and when they don’t work out you are left fumbling for a new plan. But through all the plans, and the ups and the downs, I have to remind myself to just live my life. You’d be surprised how hard that is!

When the summer clothes started to come on the racks last year I told myself “don’t buy any because soon you will be too fat to wear it”. I planned on being the “designated driver” at upcoming weddings because by then I was POSITIVE I’d be pregnant. Then came the miscarriage, and all the plans shattered. After we were free to try again, I was so sure that it would happen quickly. In September I had friends invite us on a vacation in January, and I said to The Captain… I don’t think we can book that trip now. I am hoping to be pregnant by then and I won’t know how I will feel. So we didn’t book the trip. Funny thing is that January came and went. Our friends went on that vacation, and we stayed home.

You may ask why I cared about booking the trip. Well , the answer is simple. It’s a lot of money to travel, and I am worried that if I travel with in my first trimester I could be sick. And therefore the trip is ruined because I am sick and can’t enjoy myself. I know what you are thinking…you could feel fine! And you are right, but it isn’t worth the risk. Therefore we decided we should plan a trip to coordinate with “the right time” and go to relax. But you’d be amazed at how life throws curve balls at you! Each “right time” has occurred when other plans have been set, and therefore we haven’t been able to take that trip. I don’t think people realize how small the window really is. And if you are busy during that window, you lose your chance.

I haven’t really bought new clothes for 4 full seasons now. Each one has come and gone with me thinking I’d be wasting my money. I guess The Captain is happy because it saved us a bunch of money!

My 30th birthday is coming up in June and people ask me what I am doing. But I can’t give them an answer. I’m not going to plan a raging drinking event if I am pregnant. That just wouldn’t fit. I would love to maybe combine my birthday and our 2 year anniversary (both in June), but I have to refer back to my previous statement…I just don’t know how I will feel at that point? What to do?

I realize as I am reading this back I sound a little crazy. Don’t worry I am not. Other than big travel plans I promise I really am living my day to day life to the fullest. But being the planner that I am I am having trouble with the unknown. So here is a reminder to myself and all of you. Don’t wish the year away, and don’t sit around and wait while life passes you by….remember to live.

Thursday I had an appointment with my OB. I needed to have my 6 month check up anyway, and I figured it was a good opportunity to speak with my doctor about my inability to get pregnant, or I should say my frustration with not being pregnant yet. By blogging and being active in the TTC community I have been getting a lot of advice. To be honest, advice is much easier to take from those who have been through what I have, but wanted or not the advice has been coming in. Some people have suggested that maybe it is time to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), who specializes in infertility. I have been hesitant about taking that route because I still feel like getting pregnant is a natural thing for most people, and although I want it more than anything in the world, I want to give myself time to just allow it to happen. I went into my appointment with an open mind, and was ready with all my questions. I have to admit I was really happy when I started to push the issue about the RE that the OB smiled at me and told me he thinks I’ll be just fine. It was nice to hear.

I had been seeing the same doctor in my OB practice for about 3 years. He was always nice, and supported me through  my miscarriage. But sometimes I just felt like he rushed me, and when I would get home I would be frustrated because I forgot to ask something. So this time, I tried a new doctor (we’ll call him Dr. Patience). A friend of mine had just went to him, and said how nice and patient he was, and I thought that patience is what I needed. Boy was I happy to have met him. He was nice, personable, and best of all he took the time to hear me out and give me feedback. I have found that my OB office looks at pregnancy as a natural thing. He said most of the time the issue isn’t about infertility it’s just about timing, and I agree with him. He told me that since I got pregnant once, he is able to tell that everything is working how it should…that I ovulate, my tubes are open, and The Captain’s swimmers are ready to do their job. He said it may not seem like it now but that’s a good thing. Then he did something that made me smile…He said I know you feel like Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny (here he began stomping his feet) saying “My biological clock is ticking”. But then he went on to remind me that I am still young and healthy, time is on my side, and that I can and will get pregnant. He said that he knows that it may FEEL like I have been doing this for years…but the average is 6 months, and that although some may get pregnant right away that is by no means the norm.

The statistics he gave me were amazing. I wish I could reiterate the numbers, but the percent of people who miscarry is staggering. What is more amazing is the fact that you have the same chance to miscarry a 2nd time as you do the first time. (I try not to think about this one) But with all the information given, I am happy to announce that The Captain and I have decided to continue on our present course. I am the type of person who will take people’s advice, do my own research ( ALOT of research), and then make my own decision. You’d be amazed at what I know about TTC.

My doctor made a great point when I told him about being active in the TTC community. I asked him questions about what worked for others, and about the advice I get from people who tell me stories about a friend of a friend….He reminded me of this…..everyone is different. What works for someone, may not work for someone else. He told me that he can sign me up for every test imaginable, but his opinion is that all the tests will show that everything is in working order. He asked…”do you want that stress?” And the answer was no!

In the end he left me with what he called the Dr. Patience curse…he told me whether I am ready or not I will have a baby in the next 15 months. He said I better not ruin his perfect record, and I told him I’d hold him to that. I left happy and confident in my decision to wait the full year before taking any other action. In the end all you can do is go with your gut right?

This month my body played tricks on me more than usual. It was the worst. The nasty bitch AF showed up a day and a half late. Yes, you heard correct. This girl who runs like clockwork, got to experience the thrill and excitement of believing that I MAY be pregnant for a day and a half! I swore not to test till the day I was due, but failed the afternoon before. BIG FAT NEGATIVE! It’s so hard to look at a negative pregnancy test. But I have heard stories of late implanters, and therefore levels aren’t high enough to show up on a HPT, so I kept hope.

I even kept hope 3 HPT later. All of them telling me I wasn’t pregnant. But AF still hadn’t showed up so I let my mind wander to the “what ifs”. I thought this could be it! But of course it wasn’t. AF showed up, and I was sad. Actually, I think I took it pretty well. It was heartbreaking due to the fact that I got my hopes up this time, but I also have been feeling some new confidence with all the things I am doing to help me along.

I went to Acupuncture this past week and I was told that it could affect my cycle. I guess that explains the lateness. But I am feeling pretty good about it! My acupuncturist sounds pretty confident and I am doing a bunch of extra things to bring up my body temperature. All that along with my bad ass Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, I think it should all work out. Not to mention my dad evoked his shillelagh. Which is an old family Irish Walking stick that he brings out when he wants something to happen really bad. Don’t worry. He doesn’t take it likely, and only will bring it out as a last resort. I think last time was for my husband to pass the bar exam, and that worked, so I know this will too!

So life moves on as usual. I will continue to do what I am doing and hope and pray for the best. I made an appointment to see my OB since I need to have my regular 6 month appointment anyway. But I will also be happy to speak with him about what is going on. I don’t think I am ready for extra measures. But I will speak to him to confirm. So lucky #7 here we come!!! Wish us luck!

Adam

Adam pointed out I wrote a post about loving my mom and even one about loving our cat Brinkley, but I have never written about him.  I have thought about writing about him many times. Especially about how supportive he has been through everything. It just feels like such a big post that I kept putting it off.

I have been on a lot of different hormones through the years and it wasn’t easy on him or me. I got sick from many of them and he always took care of me. When he had to give me shots, he did it like it was no big deal. He took off from work and sat in the hospital all day everytime I had to have surgery. He went to every single RE appointment we had. He went to countless OB/GYN and oncologist appointments, procedures, biopsies, etc.

The time I had an allergic reaction to the fertility meds and ended up hemorrhaging blood, he took me to the hospital and never flinched at all the blood. It was a lot and it was everywhere. (I ended up losing half of all the blood in my entire body.) He stayed with me the whole time and was calm about it. He acted like it wasn’t embarrassing. (Trust me, it was.) I had to be hospitalized for 3 days and he stayed with me the entire time. He is 6′ 6″ and slept in a chair next to my bed.

When we got married, we laughed at the vows in sickness and health and for richer or poorer. We already knew all about sick and poor. (We actually made up our own vows that we said to each other right before walking down the aisle.) It takes some couples a lifetime to go through all the bad stuff we experienced before we were even married. It was enough to make any sane person want to run away, but he stuck by me. Always there for me and always taking care of me.

I can’t wait to see Adam as a father. He had a rough childhood. A lot of people have said to me that they can’t believe what a great person Adam turned out to be considering how his parents are. He is going to be the kind of father his father never was. He has already been reading baby books and talking about all the things he wants to do with our children. I know it’s not the same, but seeing the way he is with our cats really shows me what kind of father he is going to be. We took a baby care class together and watching him swaddle a baby doll and learn how to change a diaper made me fall in love with him even more.

I love that we have the same feelings on politics and religion. I know it works for some couples to be opposites, but for me it’s important that we have the same basic beliefs. Our love for animals, taking care of the environment, gay rights, etc. There are a few basic things that I am very passionate about and he is just as passionate about it as I am. I love that.

The thing I love most about Adam is that I can completely be myself with him. We have so much fun together. We make up songs, dances, and jokes. Silly stuff that only the two of us would think is funny. We laugh a lot. I never have to worry about how I act. I am completely myself. He’s seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. He has unconditional love for me.

When we found out I needed a hysterectomy, he immediately was fine with it. He made it clear I did not need to worry about him in the decision. He is completely happy with our decision to adopt. He said he honestly didn’t even want to risk a pregnancy with me. Nothing is normal with my body and he was worried a pregnancy might end with me hemorrhaging and dying. He was always afraid of something happening to me. He was more than happy to say goodbye to the thing trying to kill me. It really helped me to know I didn’t need to worry about how I was letting him down by not being able to give birth to our children. He continues to remind me of that.

Now don’t get me wrong, we fight. Sometimes a lot. We are both very stubborn and have no problem finding things to fight about. We have been together 9 years and we have had plenty of bad fights.

But, he is absolutely the love of my life and I have no doubt we are meant to be together. I feel lucky to have found him. I know we are a team. Everything we have been through has just made us stronger.

Thank you for letting me share this Lisa!