I wrote this post last year on February 13th, which was the original due date of the baby that we lost. I decided to repost this because I wanted to share with those of you out there in a similar situation I was in, that when it comes to wanting a baby what a difference a year can make. Last year, at this very exact time I was so sad. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…but look at me now. This year I have my son. My beautiful baby boy and I couldn’t be happier. So keep hoping…keep trying…and someday you too will get your miracle.

I am sad…I will admit it. I have been working so hard at staying positive and being happy, but sometimes the sadness creeps in and there is nothing I can do. This week has been hard. It’s really hard knowing that had everything gone right I would be getting ready to meet my son or daughter. But it didn’t go right, and February 13th (my original due date) is tomorrow, and there is no baby in my belly. I am just as far away at becoming a mom as I was last summer. Nine months have come and gone and everything is still the same….so that makes me sad. I found myself randomly crying this week. I also found myself being a complete Bit$h for no reason. But don’t I get to feel that way? Aren’t I allowed to be sad and angry sometimes? But once I have finished crying, and I allow good thoughts to come back I remember that this weekend also means a lot of good things. This weekend marks 9 years since The Captain and I went on our first date, and this weekend also marks the 4 year anniversary of the night we got engaged. So I am reminded about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. And although it will be hard, I plan on remembering that happiness should always trump sadness. Let’s hope it does this time.

February 14, 2001 Captain Awesome asked me out on our first “offical date”. It was actually a bold move since we weren’t officially dating at that time, but it was nice to know that he cared enough about me to spend the biggest Hallmark Holiday with me. He took me out to an Italian restaurant named “Cafe Testarosa”. I am a very picky eater and wouldn’t share calimari with him, and I remember being scared to eat my penne ala vodka because of all the green parsely on top. Last thing I need was green thingys stuck in my teeth1 It was a great first date, and to this day we celebrate Valentine’s day at that very same restaurant.

February 14, 2007 was an extremely cold and icy night. We had been dating  a VERY long time and I was frustrated we weren’t engaged yet. That night The Captain ended up having to work late since he worked for an evil law firm. Didn’t they know it was Valentine’s day?? So I sat and waited. That night, just like the other Valentine’s Day we had plans to go to Cafe Testarosa. But that year would be different. That year the man of my dreams proposed to me! We ate dinner and when ordering he told me to save room for dessert. So when dessert was brought out..there on the plate was a beautiful sparkly diamond! When I turned to him, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. It was just perfect. It’s a Valentine’s day I will remember forever.

So needless today there is a lot to celebrate on Valentine’s day. For us it no longer is a stupid Hallmark Holiday. It has a lot of history. But this year a little shadow looms over the days. This year the sadness has crept into my heart. I want to WANT to celebrate, but sometimes I just want to curl up by myself and hide. But I won’t hide. I am known to put on a happy face and go on. But here in my blog I can be honest with myself…here I can say this week I am/was sad and no I don’t want to talk about it.  But I have to hope that my mind will allow the Happiness to win over the sadness. It just has to because the last thing I want to do is wallow. The last thing I want to do is be sad….So I am choosing happiness. Mind over matter right?

Today is Day 2 of the SITS Girls Back to Blogging event. Thank you to the event sponsors Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath and Florida Builder Appliances. Today’s assignment is to re-upload a post you wish more people had read and explain why it was important to you

Sometimes I sit back and am amazed at how different my life is now compared to where The Captain and I were last year at this time. Last year I was feeling so much sadness, and I felt so lost. Today, I am almost 7 months pregnant and expecting the biggest joy of my life…our baby boy. Below is a post I wrote when we finally got the OK to move on (physically) after my miscarriage. Looking back I can remember those feelings all too well . I wanted to share this because it’s a reminder to myself, and hopefully to others that eventually it all works out.  So much has happened between then and now. What a difference a year makes…

Our Loss: What I Have Learned

I was talking to my friend the other day and she said something very profound. She is a religious person, and we were talking about having the belief that everything happens for a reason, and how at this point I am not sure of the reason why my husband and I had to suffer like we did. She said something that made me think. She said that maybe the reason really didn’t have to do with me, that maybe it wasn’t a lesson I had to learn, but maybe the reason was for me to go through this so I could help someone else. And that got me thinking…Not everything is about me is it? Our life story just doesn’t affect us it affects those around us, and I actually take comfort in thinking that my situation could somehow help someone else. So with that spirit mind I wanted to write down the things I have learned through this experience, and share.

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment from my D&C. I was very nervous because since this all started I have not had 1 good appointment, but it went very smoothly. The doctor said I was good to go…and all I could think about was…FINALLY! He gave the the usual speech about not feeling guilty, and how I did the hard part of getting pregnant…I told him I do not feel guilty (which I don’t), but I am extremely nervous. He told me what I already knew…that it was normal.

I have been feeling so much better since the bleeding has stopped, (which really has only been two weeks) but to me it’s a victory. I feel like I am back in the land of the living and am happy to be going on with my life. But  moving on also leaves me to reflect on what I have learned, and I hope that by sharing this, someone out there can learn something….or at least not feel alone.

What I Have Learned:

I learned that the hardest part about the whole “getting pregnant” process is that….everything is pretty much out of your control. When I sat down with my doctor for the first time to discuss getting pregnant he told me that the average person takes 6 months to get pregnant. Did you know that?? I certainly didn’t. Our whole lives, we as women are taught how NOT to get pregnant. And then when the time comes to want to take that step, we find out it’s harder than we think! Then, when we do decide to start trying…you find that it’s all about waiting. That’s right, waiting. Waiting for your period to end so you can start again for another month, waiting to ovulate, and then waiting for the appropriate time to take a pregnancy test…THEN…if you are pregnant you have to wait to go see a doctor. So if you are ready to start the process get ready to wait!

I learned that no matter how excited you are to find out if your pregnant it is better to wait (there’s that word again) till you truly miss your period, and then maybe even a few days after that. My husband and I didn’t “try” very long. We pretty much got it on our first try. Just the idea that I COULD be pregnant got me so excited. I bought one of those early pregnancy tests and it came up positive on the digital screen! But finding out early makes it very difficult for the doctor to time how far along you are…and if you think you are farther along than you really are then you will be very disappointed and scared at your first appointments. Especially if you don’t see what you expect to see.

I learned that when the doctor tells you he doesn’t want to see you till your 8th week believe him! I was so anxious to go to the doctor. They told me I didn’t need to come in for blood work because the pregnancy test says it all. They told me to come in at 7-8 weeks. I was like..OMG how can I wait that long! So I pushed and got the doctor to see me at just before 7 weeks. BIG MISTAKE! I won’t make that one again. I feel like we are victims to technology. We learn things too early and see too much. Back in the day (or so I’m told)  the doctor would tell you not to come in till you miss 2 periods….if you miscarried and bled you just thought your period came late, then you moved on. That’s why I think we hear about miscarriages so much more than we used to. I would’ve been so much happier if I waited 8 weeks rather than gone so soon. It would’ve caused me and my husband so much less heartache than going back and forth to the doctor each week.

I learned that you really need to trust your doctor. Everyone has their own opinon about what you should do, and you certainly can’t listen to everyone or you will go insane. Listen to your doctor, weigh your options and decide for yourself what is best for you. People will tell you stories and tell you what worked for them…but what worked for them may not work for you. So go with your gut.

I learned that the worst thing anyone could say to someone who is going through or went through a miscarraige is “You should’ve done this” or “you should’ve done that”, or that any choice that was made was in any way wrong. No one wants to hear that. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda! There is no point in dwelling on what you should’ve done.

I learned that you need support, in whatever way is comfortable for you. Personally I got support from talking about what was going on. I got support from sharing through my blog, I got support from the women I met on LI families who were going through the same thing, and I got support from my family both immediate and extended. Most of all I got support from my wonderful husband. We were truly there for eachother through this whole experience, and his love and support got me through some very difficult times. I am a lucky woman to have him by my side.

The last thing I learned, or at least am learning is that the unknown future is terrifying! I am excited to move on and try again, but I am scared to death of what will happen. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but what I do know is that it is in God’s hands. I pray every day that my near future holds a healthy pregnancy, and a little bundle of joy that my husband and I can love more than anything in this world. For now I will enjoy life and take things day by day.

I always am amazed at where a year will take you. How many journeys you get to go on and how many life experiences you get to have. This past year I have been through a lot. My second year of marriage took me to places that I never thought I’d go, and if I had to put a finger on it, it all began on June 5 2009.

I woke up on that day like any other. The Captain and I hadn’t been really “trying” to have a baby, but I had a bachelorette party that weekend and since I am a nut I decided to take a home pregnancy test to be sure I WASN’T pregnant so I could go and party it up with a free conscience. I waited till Captain Awesome went to work because he always thought I was crazy to test early, and I didn’t want to deal with that. Plus I thought it would be negative and I would go on with my day. Well that wasn’t the case. The test came up with the words PREGNANT. I sat on the floor in my home office chanting the words “oh my god, oh my god”. I honestly couldn’t believe it was real. Didn’t it take months for it to actually work? Wasn’t I destined to at least TRY throughout the summer? The answer was NO! It was happening now. So I cried tears of joy.

I had always wanted to tell The Captain that we were pregnant in a fun way. I never bought anything in advance as to not jinx things, so I had to scramble to come up with something because I couldn’t keep this secret very long. So since it was close to Father’s Day I went out and bought a Father’s day card, and put the positive test inside of it so that when he opened it he would see. (don’t worry I cleaned it!) I had to take a drive to go pick up a portable navigation system, and I used that as an excuse to go to Captain Awesome’s work. I told him I wanted to show it to him. So when he came out and got in the car I gave him the card. He opened it…stared confused and I smiled. His first reaction? “I thought you told me this could take months!” lol he was as shocked as I was. We had a secret that just the two of us knew and we were both so excited.

It’s funny how I remember every minute of that day. I can play it all back in my head. How could I have possibly known it would’ve gone so terribly wrong? Now, 1 year later, I am over 12 weeks pregnant again. The whole journey was/is a whole lesson in the fact that we really have no control. That we can’t plan our life’s path in advance, and that life has a funny way of surprising you in both good and bad ways.

And you know what? If you are going through what I went through I promise that the joy of being pregnant again takes away most of the pain of the past.  I am positive that it will all be worth it in the end, and that we all end up exactly where we are supposed to. Trust me, that I did not know that as I was going through it. But as we come up to June 5th yet again, I am left to reflect on it all, and to do that you have to think back to where the journey began. June 5 2009. Let’s just all hope that as June 14th rolls around, and my 3rd year of marriage begins, that with it comes wonderful and new experiences with our new little miracle Pooh bear.

In our lives we live through good dreams and bad dreams. We hope that most of our days will be filled with good days but sometimes we don’t have a say. One dream like event for me was my wedding. It was all I could’ve ever dreamed of. It all fit to my vision…it was perfect. Now, when I look back on that day it’s all a little fuzzy, and it seems that perfect day was just a figment of my imagination. I mean how could a person have that much happiness all put into one day?  On the nightmare end of the spectrum is my miscarriage. 6 months later, I feel like it wasn’t actually me that went through it….sometimes it all just feels like a bad dream.

On one of the chat boards I frequent there was a girl who announced she was pregnant. I was so happy for her, but the news led me to think about the wonderful day that I looked at my pregnancy test and saw the words YES. Until you see those words you have no idea that you could have so many different feelings all at one time. But was it really me that this happened to? Was I ever REALLY pregnant?  

We all know what the nightmare side of it was….the loss. The shattering of dreams. As much as the memory of the YES is a wonderful dream….the news that “it isn’t a viable pregnancy” was way on the opposite end. But as time goes on…it feels more and more like it was all just a nightmare…that there was no Good out of any of it. Can you believe it’s been about 4 months since it all ended? Time keeps moving forward, and like everything else from our past we learn to heal. And that is what I am doing…healing. It’s amazing how happy I am with every other aspect of my life. It’s easy to be thankful for all of that. And you know what??? I am truly thankful.

I am actually happy for the dream like nature of these memories. I can still keep reminding myself that they actually happened…but that also means that I am slowly moving on. Moving on to the joys that are to come, and the happiness that is my life.

Here’s to the dreams (and nightmares) that life is made of…lets hope for all of our sakes there are more dreams than nightmares…

And as a side note…as I was writing this..all I could think about was this song from the movie Clue. So I wanted to share!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP_xVhNI5uM[/youtube]

The Journey of Trying To Conceive (TTC)

The trying to conceive journey is just that….a journey. It is a process that not everyone thinks about. I had hoped that I would be one of those people who just decided that they wanted to be pregnant and it just happened. As a matter of fact I was really close to being that person since my husband and I got pregnant on our first shot. I guess God just decided that it was just too easy for it to happen that way, and that our journey was not complete. Instead we are left to actually “Try” to have a baby. I don’t think anyone can really understand what it’s like to have babies on the brain until they are at that point in their life when they really want one….but it’s just not something you can just do….it’s not something you can achieve….its something you may have to try hard at and fail.

I try not to talk to people much about it…because we all know where babies come from and it’s embarrassing to talk about it sometimes. The other reason I don’t bring it up is because then I hear….just relax and it will happen. REALLY? RELAX? Don’t you know by telling someone to relax that they do just the opposite? And it is certainly easy for someone who is pregnant, has children, or are not looking to have children just yet to say relax….why? Because they have no idea what it’s like to suffer through a miscarriage and then be left waiting every month hoping for their 2nd chance.

So that’s where I am in my journey to motherhood….stuck in limbo just wishing, hoping , and praying that God’s plan for me includes a healthy pregnancy in the near future. Keep your fingers crossed! I know I will!

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment from my D&C. I was very nervous because since this all started I have not had 1 good appointment, but it went very smoothly. The doctor said I was good to go…and all I could think about was…FINALLY! He gave the the usual speech about not feeling guilty, and how I did the hard part of getting pregnant…I told him I do not feel guilty (which I don’t), but I am extremely nervous. He told me what I already knew…that it was normal.

 I have been feeling so much better since the bleeding has stopped, (which really has only been two weeks) but to me it’s a victory. I feel like I am back in the land of the living and am happy to be going on with my life. But  moving on also leaves me to reflect on what I have learned, and I hope that by sharing this, someone out there can learn something….or at least not feel alone.

What I Have Learned:

I learned that the hardest part about the whole “getting pregnant” process is that….everything is pretty much out of your control. When I sat down with my doctor for the first time to discuss getting pregnant he told me that the average person takes 6 months to get pregnant. Did you know that?? I certainly didn’t. Our whole lives, we as women are taught how NOT to get pregnant. And then when the time comes to want to take that step, we find out it’s harder than we think! Then, when we do decide to start trying…you find that it’s all about waiting. That’s right, waiting. Waiting for your period to end so you can start again for another month, waiting to ovulate, and then waiting for the appropriate time to take a pregnancy test…THEN…if you are pregnant you have to wait to go see a doctor. So if you are ready to start the process get ready to wait!

I learned that no matter how excited you are to find out if your pregnant it is better to wait (there’s that word again) till you truly miss your period, and then maybe even a few days after that. My husband and I didn’t “try” very long. We pretty much got it on our first try. Just the idea that I COULD be pregnant got me so excited. I bought one of those early pregnancy tests and it came up positive on the digital screen! But finding out early makes it very difficult for the doctor to time how far along you are…and if you think you are farther along than you really are then you will be very disappointed and scared at your first appointments. Especially if you don’t see what you expect to see.

I learned that when the doctor tells you he doesn’t want to see you till your 8th week believe him! I was so anxious to go to the doctor. They told me I didn’t need to come in for blood work because the pregnancy test says it all. They told me to come in at 7-8 weeks. I was like..OMG how can I wait that long! So I pushed and got the doctor to see me at just before 7 weeks. BIG MISTAKE! I won’t make that one again. I feel like we are victims to technology. We learn things too early and see too much. Back in the day (or so I’m told)  the doctor would tell you not to come in till you miss 2 periods….if you miscarried and bled you just thought your period came late, then you moved on. That’s why I think we hear about miscarriages so much more than we used to. I would’ve been so much happier if I waited 8 weeks rather than gone so soon. It would’ve caused me and my husband so much less heartache than going back and forth to the doctor each week.

I learned that you really need to trust your doctor. Everyone has their own opinon about what you should do, and you certainly can’t listen to everyone or you will go insane. Listen to your doctor, weigh your options and decide for yourself what is best for you. People will tell you stories and tell you what worked for them…but what worked for them may not work for you. So go with your gut.

I learned that the worst thing anyone could say to someone who is going through or went through a miscarraige is “You should’ve done this” or “you should’ve done that”, or that any choice that was made was in any way wrong. No one wants to hear that. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda! There is no point in dwelling on what you should’ve done.

I learned that you need support, in whatever way is comfortable for you. Personally I got support from talking about what was going on. I got support from sharing through my blog, I got support from the women I met on LI families who were going through the same thing, and I got support from my family both immediate and extended. Most of all I got support from my wonderful husband. We were truly there for eachother through this whole experience, and his love and support got me through some very difficult times. I am a lucky woman to have him by my side.

The last thing I learned, or at least am learning is that the unknown future is terrifying! I am excited to move on and try again, but I am scared to death of what will happen. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but what I do know is that it is in God’s hands. I pray every day that my near future holds a healthy pregnancy, and a little bundle of joy that my husband and I can love more than anything in this world. For now I will enjoy life and take things day by day.

My husband and I chose not to have me go through the D&C originally for many reasons. The main one for me is that procedures terrify me. I am a horrible patient and I was hoping to deal with the miscarriage in the comforts of my own home. But unfortunately we had to roll with the punches and have the D&C yesterday…we really had no other choice. The procedure itself was pretty quick. My husband was asked to leave, and I was left by myself. The doctor was really nice and answered all of my questions, although I had a ton, and when he saw how nervous I was, he offered to have me have the procedure in the hospital under anesthesia. I think that is the way most people have it to minimize the pain. But I was already at the doctors and I was just ready to be done with it all. I did not want to deal with scheduling and pre op and then the actual procedure. I had entered that office knowing whatever way it went it would be done that day. So that’s what I did. I underwent the procedure. I will spare you the details. It was by no means pleasant, but now it’s done. I decided yesterday after the procedure that I would check out mentally for the evening and took the oxycodone prescribed by the doctor for pain. I i laid on the couch with my feet up and relaxed.

I honestly feel at peace at this point. I am very happy to know that it’s over, that I can now move on. Some may ask me if looking back if I am happy with our original decision to take the medication rather then have the D&C from the start. My answer would be yes…I think I am still happy with the decision. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda right? You can’t live your life thinking “what if”. I do know, that if everything had worked out and at my first follow up appointment everything was gone then I know I had made the right decision. But who would’ve thought I would be that very small percentage that the medication didn’t fully work on??

Soon this will all be but a memory. My husband and I are left to fully heal now. I am ready.

I feel that I have really tried to turn to God through this whole experience. I know its no good to turn to the man when you need something from him, but if there is a time to start than doing so before having a baby is as good of a time than any.  Months ago, when we decided that we would soon by trying to have a baby I contacted this woman who provides women with St. Gerard medals. St. Gerard is the Patron Saint of Motherhood, and this medal depicts the Saint and you are supposed to wear it around your neck. I prayed every day and I wore the medal every day of trying to conceive and and every day since I found out I was pregnant. Once I found out I was going to miscarry I felt somehow betrayed by the medal and took it off. To this day I haven’t put it back on, and I am beginning to think I made a mistake.

I know I have shared the story of Our Loss and the story of my miscarraige openly, but I feel like I haven’t shared much beyond that. That is because I am still dealing with the physical aspects of a miscarriage, and so far we have yet to be able to move on. And it continues. Thursday I went to the doctor to find out that everything is gone, and we are free to move on. My mistake! 1 month after the fact he found some fluid that is still lingering. I am so sad. Why won’t it just leave?? The doctor told me I have 3 choices. 1: to wait for it to go naturally, 2: take the medication again, or 3: to have a D&C. I could not believe my ears. I had to go through it all again? I asked what he would recommend and he told me a mixture of 2 and 3. He said he could tell that waiting for it to happen naturally would drive me crazy…and that is very true. Since my husband and I decided that we originally did not want the D&C for many reasons I couldn’t believe that it could still come to me having to have one. So I was left to take the meds again. To go through everything all over again. Then…if the fluid doesn’t come out than I will be forced to have a D&C to get it all cleared out. What I originally didn’t want might be my only option to move on? So Thursday I took the meds…if you read the previous post then you know the rest.

So now I will do what I should’ve done in the beginning. Turn to the big guy above…God. I have been talking to him every day, but I think it’s time to start wearing my medal again. I have to have faith that everything does happen for a reason…and Life just doesn’t suck.

I am still dealing with things both physically and emotionally at this point, but since I am now beginning to feel more like myself I think it’s time I start focusing on all the good in my life. I am young, and I am ready to enjoy the rest of my summer. It’s hard to just go back to the way it was before…I mean finding out you are pregnant is so exciting. Even though you know there are risks you start to plan, and imagine the months ahead. You have so much to look forward to…now as I go back to my daily routine I feel such a mixture of things, but I guess that is all part of the grieving process. Everyone always says that people aren’t able to relate to what you are going through unless they’ve been through it themselves, in this situation I totally agree. It’s hard for others to know I’m hurting because on the outside I look ok. I’m physically fine, and physically capable of going about my life…what they don’t know is that I’m sad, i’m angry, I’m anxious, I am nervous, and that although the miscarriage is pretty much over with…I still have out of whack hormones. What a bundle of joy right?

It’s similar to the feeling I had after I returned home from my honeymoon…although at that time I was so so happy I got back and realized that I was just supposed to live my life. I pretty much had a blank slate in front of me. It was hard to go back to daily routines and not have my wedding to look forward to anymore. That’s how I feel now. Who knows what will happen next? They say when people plan God laughs…well for a planner like me God must be laughing alot.

So now it’s back to my life…and reality is kicking in. Gotta work to pay the bills and get my house in order. It’s amazing what a mess it got over the past few weeks when I didn’t have it in me to clean. After that, all that’s left to do is sit back, relax and enjoy my summer. I gotta admit that I love watching TV at night with my glass of wine, and sipping margaritas by the pool with my friends. It’s the silver lining folks…that’s what I am going to focus on!

After hearing the awful news that our pregnancy was not viable, we were left with a few choices as to how it would end. I personally wish that it would just magically disappear, but that is not the case. You are left after the sorrow to deal with the physical act of losing the pregnancy. So we were given 3 choices. The first was to allow the miscarriage to end naturally. There was no real time frame for this option because the sack could live inside for weeks before deciding it was time to leave. The second was to take medication to induce a miscarriage and the third was to have a D&C or Dilation and curettage which is a surgical procedure to remove the contents of the uterus. I have heard of a D&C, but I had to be honest with the doctor and tell him that procedures freak me out. I even had to get laughing gas before the anesthesiologist gave me my IV before I got my wisdom teeth out. I was that scared. But luckily the doctor agreed with me. He said that at this early point he doesn’t recommend the D&C. So we were left with the choice of natural or induced. Since we had a wedding that weekend I was very nervous to start the process that week. I wanted to be able to enjoy my time. So we decided to roll the dice and hope it happened naturally that week, and if not we would return to the doctor the following Tuesday, the 14th and take the medication to induce.

I gotta tell you, every step of the way has been about waiting. Each doctors visit left us waiting another week for answers. I guess we still would’ve been nervous the entire way even if it were a viable pregnancy, but the uncertainty was hard to bear. I felt like there was a ticking time bomb inside of me ready to go off at any moment. Research mentioned some pain, and I was trying to prepare myself. But as each day ticked by…nothing happened. I was able to enjoy my friends wedding…and that is what was important to me.

When Tuesday rolled around I started to doubt my decision to take the meds. All the research I had done pointed to a D&C. Maybe because I am an awful googler and can never find anything…but I kept reading that it was good because it allowed it to just be over and done with. But what I also read is that a D&C had the highest risks…a major one being scarring that could affect future pregnancies, and after speaking on the phone with my doctor we decided the meds were certainly our best course of action. So my wonderful husband accompanied me yet again to the doctor. (on a side note I have to mention that my husband has been the most amazing person through all this. Although he is in pain himself, he has been there for me every step of the way and I could not be any luckier. It is great to know this early in our marriage that when the going gets tough, my husband is there by my side..holding my hand)

So the medication procedure goes as follows. In the office I took one pill of misoprostol. I signed papers, we asked our questions and were sent home withthe following instructions. I was prescribed antibiotics to prevent infection which I was to take over 2 days. I was also given a prescription for pain medication. This freaked me out a bit, but I know I am no hero, and figured it was for the best. Lastly I was given 4 more pills of the medication. 24 hours after my visit I was to put the 4 pills in my mouth between my cheeks and gums and let them dissolve for 1/2 hour. After that I was told the process would last about 4-6 hours. What should I expect? Period like cramps, very heavy bleeding and most likely occasional diarrhea. (like you needed to know!)  Wow…

So at this point I figured I would write and keep track as things occurred so I could remember. As it turns out the process of the pills in the gums seemed to be done so that that pills would dissolve quicker into my system, and that it did. On Wednesday July 15th 2009 at around 3:30 in the afternoon I began to miscarry.

As I write this part it is Thursday and I think I have weathered the storm. The process wasn’t so bad…I guess it could be worse. It was just bad cramps throughout the evening. I pretty much laid on the couch all night. I didn’t take the pain medication that was given to me until it was bed time. I figured that there was no reason not to take them and allow myself a good night sleep pain free. And that’s what it did. I will spare you all the details here, but if you are going through this, or are deciding to go with the meds and want to know what to expect feel free to contact me.

So today (Thursday) I feel extremely lucky to work from home. I have my computer with me while I am laying in bed with my feet up. I figure I deserve it. I am extremely tired and worn out and I think I will be this way for a while. My body has been through a lot and now I need to recover both physically and emotionally. I am so thankful that Saturday I will be leaving for a week long beach vacation with my family. I am certainly ready to check out for the week, and sit on the beach staring at the ocean. I am happy for the distraction.