The morning I found out I was NOT pregnant, I actually took a pregnancy test which obviously was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. You know what happened 5 minutes after I took the test??? Aunt Flow showed her ugly and horrid face. She mocked me, and laughed very loudly. I was defeated. I honestly thought that this month was it. I was looking for signs and I thought that I would find out that I was pregnant and get to tell Captain Awesome on his birthday. I imagined waking him up and giving him the great news as his first birthday present. But it wasn’t in the cards. So I cried….

So what did I do next? I got in the car. I had to take my Tinkerbell to the vet. I wiped away my tears and drove….and during this drive something amazing happened. I started to relax! A wave of peace washed over me. I came to the realization that God decides when it is my time to have a baby. I realized that I just had to let go. I had to let go of the anxiety, and I had to let go of the idea that I can control my destiny. I remembered that I got pregnant the first time by relaxing and enjoying life. I didn’t plan, I didn’t track ovulation, and most of all I didn’t STRESS!

So I am done…I am relinquishing control. I plan to think about ANYTHING other than getting pregnant. I am going to live my life, and que sera sera…what will be will be.

I have come to realize that I am that girl who needs to sit on the couch in order to feel comfortable holding a baby…picture a 6 year old child. My husband on the other hand won’t even hold a baby until they can hold their head up on their own, but I guess since I can barely stand while holding one I shouldn’t throw stones. Although all of that is true, I have come far in the past few weeks. I have decided that holding a baby can’t be all that scary, and I will most likely not break them…or at least I hope not. I was telling my neighbor “M” how scared and unskilled I was with babies, and so a little while later my doorbell rang and she was holding her little 4 month old niece…she was like “here, hold her” and handed her to me… I pretty much panicked..Exhibit A on how much help I need.

 I went over to a friends house the other weekend to watch football. This particular friend had a baby boy back in June. It’s amazing how much he grows each time I see him. Well “T” had some work to do so I offered to hold the baby while she got some work done. I took this opportunity to get some practice and try some things. I held the baby while standing, I sat with the baby, and I even moved him around on my lap while switching positions. I came to find that little babies are pretty floppy and like to throw their heads around. What’s that about? I work so hard to protect their heads and neck and they have to make it difficult? I think I did pretty good on this go around…I was feeling confident. So confident that when I visited my neighbor who had a little boy in July..I was all like…” let me hold him I’m a pro”…so I held him for a bit…and then passed him to my neighbor so she could put him down in his seat (I couldn’t do that…let’s not get carried away!)

People ask me, how is it that I have so little practice? Well that’s easy! I haven’t dealt with little children since I babysat when I was 14…I am the oldest child so their are no nieces and nephews in my life thus far…and most of my friends just started to get married so they don’t have babies yet. How am I to learn??? My only option is to turn to my few friends and neighbors who do have babies for help. So I will just use their kids to further my education…