I am the type of person who will put on a good face. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be happy for those who are pregnant in my life. I choose this because I truly am those things. But that doesn’t mean that sometimes it isn’t hard. I promise you I have good days and bad days. Most are good. My life is good. But then, a little thought creeps into my head and pounds. A thought like “Hey Jen…you should be finding out the sex of your baby right about now”. Thoughts like that bring me down. They stay there for a little while and that’s OK…they should be there. I will never forget what happened. It’s the nature of the beast that is miscarriage. It’s being able to force them out of the forefront of my mind that is what allows me to be happy. I am thankful that I can do this…but they come a lot. There are a lot of milestones during a pregnancy. Milestones I never will experience with the child that was supposed to be born mid August. And that’s sad….
The latest thing that brought me down was the fact that I would probably know the sex of my baby right about now. The part that I look forward to the most. The day that I calculated in my head the moment I found out I was pregnant (give or take a few days based on dr. scheduling). When I think about the fact that I’d be about 20 weeks along I can’t believe how far behind I am now. I have recovered physically and have waited almost 2 months like the dr. said. Do I have to do it all again?
I get sad when I hear of other women due around the time I was. I don’t begrudge them their happiness, and I love to talk to them about it. They deserve it, and I truly am happy for them. But there are days when I hear something about someone’s pregnancy and I just find myself crying. I tell myself it’s OK to cry. It’s OK to wallow sometimes over what would be. I think it’s healthy. The trick is being able to move beyond that, and I think I’ve mastered it.
I choose to be happy. There is no point in thinking about what I don’t have or what could’ve been because it’s already over. The only power I have over the whole situation is how I handle it and I choose to smile.
The Captain and I will be starting over again in our quest to have another child. I will tell you I am terrified. I will tell you that it won’t change the fact that I lost another child. Trust me, I know… I know the estimated due date of February 13, 2010 of the first baby we lost, and I will always remember the due date of August 15 2013 of our 2nd angel baby. Those babies will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.
It sucks that way. But it is what it is. We all have things in our lives that make us sad. But it’s how we deal with it that makes us all different. So I choose happiness…with a side of wallowing every once in a while.