Those close to me know that this year has been rough so far. It’s all first world normal problems, so don’t be too concerned, but as of this past summer I started my last year in my 30’s, moved to a new home, sent my baby to Kindergarten and watched my boy go to 3rd grade at a new school. I have had enough and I have decided to officially press the pause button. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. This is it. I am pressing pause now. You hear that world?
Do you know what my boy said to me on the day of his Birthday? “Mom I’m halfway to 18”. Does he not know how fragile I am? I luckily did not embarrass myself by bursting into tears but I was close. Can that be possible? In 9 more years he will be off to college. The same amount of time that I have gotten with him on this world and he will be an adult. WTF!!??? Do you know what also happened on that same birthday? I found out that I didn’t make the list of his top 5 coolest people he knows. WHAT?! This boy who used to want to marry me and looked at me with absolute admiration now feels I don’t even top the list? It hurt my friends….it hurt! I know you are sitting there reading this thinking “of course you aren’t the coolest”, but I still think I should’ve made the list. And even worse? When I reminded him that he used to want to marry me he said “no way! I’m marrying a hot babe!” Ouch! I came downstairs after putting him to bed that night and curled up with Captain Awesome and I cried. He reminded me that I should be proud that I made it through the day, but I think a piece of me got lost that day. It was the first birthday that I didn’t truly enjoy. He was pumped, but not me. I felt a difference in that birthday. I will mark 9 as the hardest one (for me) yet.
Exhibit B that time has to stop…. my baby is in Kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! She is gone all day. What does that mean for me? Captain Awesome reminds me I need to work more, but that doesn’t help the fact that for 9 years I have spent every day doing everything for 1 or both children and now that’s not the case. I’m not going to lie. The peace is nice, and that is why I’m pausing now instead of last year. I get my time, but I also have my kids little enough to still want me around. It’s pretty great. But gone are the days and afternoons with my girl. Now the hectic after school is even worse.
But it’s slowly changing at least for my oldest. I can tell that he’s getting to be a big boy. My girl still loves me and needs me but him….it’s happening. The push back and the independence. I can clearly see him as a big boy now. It gets worse from here.
The other night I was reading to both my kids in bed and they were just laughing at eachother and me. We were being silly and I saw their little faces and thought “this right here is it”. “This is what it’s all about”. It was one of those perfect moments that that I photographed in my mind. They are so innocent and special. Old enough that they don’t take all of me even though I fully give my all.
And the HOLIDAYS! The magic is there all around! We are at prime game time with Tessa. She can finally totally get the magic and is on board every single day. Her enthusiasm is what gets me through this season. The boy is a little bit less although thank goodness it’s still there. His mind isn’t as filled with the magic and wonder miss Tessa has, but he is super pumped to participate in all the fun. When will the magic end for him? I worry every year about this, but I know it’s not this year. Every year I get to say “well at least I had this year!” Fingers crossed for a few more for him!
So I am done. I am paused! Thank goodness I said it out loud so it can be true. That’s how it works right? I wished it to be so it is so? I do certainly hope so because this wonderful ride is just happening too fast….and I need it to stop….NOW!