Every time I look at our little boy I am in awe of the fact that he is actually ours. That for the rest of my life, this child is my son. Then I smile, and I thank God for blessing me with him, because I am reminded how lucky I truly am. My dream of becoming a mother has finally come true, and I honestly just can’t believe it sometimes. It’s extremely surreal to think that the journey we took to get here has ended and just begun at the same time. I am just living my surreal life.
I sometimes still look back at the sadness that came with the miscarriage we had the summer of 09, and then the long journey of trying to conceive. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be holding my miracle in my arms. At the time it seemed so far away, and now he’s here. Last Christmas I kept thinking about what was missing in my life, and this Christmas I get to celebrate with our son. Santa gets to come for the first time in our home, and together with The Captain we get to start new traditions with our new family.
Then there is the nine months of pregnancy. I can’t believe it’s all over?? Where did the time go? The day of that BFP seems like a lifetime ago…that day changed our life forever. It started the wheels in motion of one of the best times in my life (minus the first trimester because I was just too terrified to enjoy it). When I thought of becoming a mother I dreamed about the first sonogram, and finding out the sex of the baby…now, those things have come and gone. It is just crazy to me to think that I will never again have a FIRST pregnancy. It really is hard to wrap my head around!
I dreamed of a growing belly, and feeling the life inside, and that too happened. Was it all a dream? I look at our Christian and picture him moving inside my belly. This little guy that I love so much was created and grown inside me. What a true miracle!
How about labor? A process I was actually dreading for months. Now it is all over?? Each Tuesday I look at the clock at night and think about the night my water broke. Then I relive the entire labor process. I won’t lie and say I’m not still scarred, but then I remember our boy being born…and I choose to focus on that. I choose to be amazed at watching him come out of my body. Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened to me. Then I look at my son (who these days is always in my arms) and know that yes, this did all happen.
I wonder when I will get over this dreamlike state of being. Will it ever become real? My first born child is here. He’s ours, and always will be. I have experienced so many firsts over these past few months. I will cherish all the memories, and can’t wait to create all the firsts in our future. There is so much of the world to show our little man…I can’t wait for him to see them all!