Today was a hard day. It was a Monday and it was one of the first times I realized what a different role I play in your life….and it as hard. The morning was as usual. We got up and we rushed. I wanted to take you to school because it was easier for me to get Tessa to dance if I did so but you said no. You wanted to take the bus….but I miss taking you to school. So we rushed and barely made it to the bus stop. Then…you were gone all day. I missed you. I picked you up from school so that you could make it to soccer and from the moment you got in the car it just felt off. You were combative and everything I did was wrong. I was later than you wanted….when we got home it was all about the fact that we didn’t have enough space for your Pokémon cards. Dad had to work late so I told you I had to do homework with you. To that you told me “I don’t want to do it with you I want to do it with daddy”. It stung. Then of course soccer, and a fight to eat dinner, and no special bonding from there. We even got the Toys r Us Catalog to which you quickly skimmed and said “no Pokemon…nothing in here”. WTF! I wanted to cry. When did we get here? Where did my little boy go?
I get it. I won’t always be your world, but I didn’t think I had to deal with teenage behavior in Kindergarten. When did toys become a thing of the past? What happened to your favorite activity being a quick trip to Toys R Us to walk through the aisles and want everything? I hate that I am not longer a major part of your day, but I thought I could get passed that. What I can’t get over is the fact that each part of the day I am a part of is spent rushing or being a secondary role.
We don’t get to sit in the morning. That is the nature of the beast…I get that. We are up and at em each day. But then there is pick up and activities to which we rush to get to. Even if I cut those out I have a feeling I’d lose you to Pokémon cards or ipad. We then get home from our activities and I have to be a mom and get dinner on the table. Daddy comes home and you want him to do homework, and play. I knew this time was coming. When people used to pick on me and say that I loved your adoration too much I would say “but my time is limited” and I can’t believe we have reached that time. I cook dinner…then clean up dinner and then we do bath and bed. Great…..
I ask you every night what your favorite part of your day was and I am realizing that none of those parts include me. I knew it had to happen….but I knew I’d never be ready. And I’m not. I’m sad….I’m struggling and I am wallowing. Wallowing a lot. I even sometimes find myself putting the guilt on you and that’s wrong….I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to thrive and grow and be you.
What I didn’t realize is that it would come so soon….I’m not OK with that.