I wrote this post last week. The week before my first appointment. It’s been a VERY long couple of weeks waiting, and I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts.
Sometimes in life I wish there was a fast forward button we could hit just to move things along a little quicker. Or maybe a preview or info button that would allow us to see a glimpse into our future. Unfortunately, that does not exist, and I am stuck waiting for my first appointment for another few days. I do my best to try not to wish this time away, because people try to remind me to enjoy every second of pregnancy, but I have to admit that right now it’s difficult. I feel so scared and on edge, and with out my nightly glass of red wine to calm things down I am left with my head spinning. I can’t help it! It’s in my genes. I totally blame my mom and grandma for that! But I won’t lie to you my dear readers. Nope not me. I will openly admit that I wish it was already June, and I was already over 12 weeks along. Maybe then I can breath a little freer?
Like everything else in life, when you are waiting for something to happen time moves so slowly. I try to keep myself busy, but during the day I find it almost impossible to focus on work. I’m lucky to have a great boss and dad who has allowed me to slack a bit, because I don’t know how people who go to an office every day do it? How do you focus? I am sure it would be better if I worked hard and kept my mind off things, but I just can’t.
The reason for the fast forward is that most of this supposed enjoyable time is wasted on me. This time around I haven’t opened one baby book, and I haven’t signed up on any online sites such as baby center because to be honest I am just scared to. After our loss last summer I threw the baby books into my closet not to be seen, and I continued to get e mails from baby center and other sites telling me how far along I was when I wasn’t. I had a heck of a time figuring out how to turn that stuff off! And I couldn’t risk that happening again. It’s like reading a baby book will open up my heart and I am not positive it’s ready to be opened yet. This time around we have been pretty hush hush about the pregnancy. We don’t really talk about it. As much as I want to acknowledge it, it is difficult knowing the horror that could happen when we go to our first appointment on Monday.
So really my life lays in wait for that first appointment. I am resting which is good for me and the baby and continuing my acupuncture appointments. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly excited and happy. They say that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but what they should say is 80% go to full term. That’s a better number if you ask me. So I will focus on that better looking 80%, and hope that Monday brings me good news. So if anyone out there knows where the fast forward button is I would appreciate it. Maybe send me to somewhere in June? That should just about do it!
While reviewing this post to go up during my pregnancy update week I stumbled upon a post from a favorite blog of mine called Two of a Kind Working On a Full House which really made me stop and think about this post, and made me cry as well because it’s so true. It goes along the lines of my post from last week titled Happiness is a Journey Not a Destination and again it is a reminder that I just need to enjoy where I am at now. In her post she shares these lyrics, and video and it’s just perfect….
You’re Gonna Miss This -Trace Adkins
She was starin’ out the window of that suv
Complainin’ saying i cant wait to turn 18
I’ll make my own money and I’ll make my own rules
mama put the car in park out there in front of the school
and she kissed her head and said i was just like you
your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn’t gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this
before she knows it shes a brand new bride
in her one bedroom apartment and her daddy stops by
he tells her its a nice place, she says itll do for now
starts talkin bout babies and buyin a house
daddy shakes his head and says, baby slow down
cause your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadnt gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this
five years later theres a plumber workin on the water heater, dogs barkin, phones ringin, one kids crying
ones screamin and she keeps apoligizin
he says they dont bother me ive got 2 babies of my own
ones 36, ones 23, huh its hard to beleive
but your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn’t gone by so fast
these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this
your gonna miss this
oh yeah, your gonna miss this
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I can totally relate to this post (except for the happy ending that I’m positive will be my fate as well)…but wow, so relate to hiding all the baby books and stuff I bought in closets, and “trying to forget” to move on. I love your perspective about the statistics and how we should view them…80% is a bigger and better number, we should clearly focus on that percentage…and your story proves that. I am sooo happy for you!
-Kelly
The Pursuit of Mommyness´s last blog ..POM Says Goodbye
I know about your struggles too, and I am very sorry you can relate:( It’s just not right. But we have to stay positive right? I hope your good news is right around the corner!
MY fingers are crossed for you. Oh yeah, I remember that feeling after our miscarriage, and then the waiting, and you kind of just walk around numb.
*BIG HUGS*
write-brained´s last blog ..One Letter at a Time…
I’ll take all the crossed fingers I can get! Thank you so much! I hope the numbness wears off!
ahhhhhhhhh jen! i wish i could just hug you! *sorry i’ve been so out of the loop, you know the work of starting a site* anyhoo, enough abt me…first let me offer you congratulations and positive energy. you will definitely be in my prayers. i too, know that feeling of wanting to fast forward. my pregnancies were high risk and chock full of lots of drama, issues, things gone wrong and plenty of ER vistis. so i was praying for delivery day all the time. when something is so out of your hands…you really can’t help it, especially if you don’t have pleasant and happy memories. after suffering a miscarriage, i was like-what can i do to NOT have this happen again? and theres no answer. all i can say is that you should try *smile* to not stress abt it. you will think, you will wish, you will…
but all things work together for the good!
p.s. i really liked that song and i dont even like country music. the words were beautiful. and trust me, when you’re months along and that belly is poking out and everyone is fawning over you, yo’ll want to hit the pause button incessantly
Thanks for the virtual hugs! I’m sorry you had such a heck of a time…it’s crazy! I believe you when you say I will want to hit pause in the middle. I can’t wait for that point to come.
But you are right. It really is out of my hands…just have to live my life and pray for the best!
aw, sweetie- deep breaths and positive thoughts. just keep yourself as stressfree as you possibly can (SO easier said then done, right??), maybe pamper yourself a little more than usual? my close friend just went through what you are and i’m happy to say, she is in the middle of her 2nd trimester and doing great! hang in!
jennifer´s last blog ..best tee moment so far
Thank you so much. Pampering is good…I really should do that, but I don’t want to shop or buy clothes that won’t fit soon, and I’m still worried about pedicures! hahha I’m just being crazy, but I just want to get passed this 1st trimester!
I can relate about the FF button. I wish you the best. This post is so moving.
Mary
Mary´s last blog ..Way Back When Wednesday–The Mayor
Sending you a million hugs! I know how heartbreaking, difficult and anxious that feeling is.
Sending you GOOD VIBES!! It is ok to get excited – *if* something goes wrong it wont feel any less painful if you didn’t allow yourself to get excited – so do your best to breath and I’m hoping these weeks fly by for you
(found you through SITS)
Devan @ Accustomed Chaos´s last blog ..My Journey Through 10 Miscarriages
Hello! This is my first time coming across your site and boy can I relate to this post. I have a beautiful 10 year old daughter but about a year after she was born I had the most horrific thing happen in my life. I wish nothing but the best for you and your growing family! Sending you prayers, warm thoughts and a great big hug! Hope your having a wonderful day! xoxo
I love that song…it makes me tear up every time. And Darius Rucker’s song, “It Won’t Be Like This for Long.” Geez…it’s hard to remember to enjoy the present moment when you’re so excited about the good things to come! But you will look back and miss this part of your life, so do try to take some time out to just be happy and live NOW. I do realize that’s hard to do all the time, or even on a daily basis.
I’m a planner and I’m constantly striving for something new – not necessarily better – just different and now that I have a this sweet baby girl, I ask myself, “Do I ever want her to feel like this? Or like I have something better to do? Somewhere better to be?” And the answer is no. That’s a good enough reminder for me.
I hope Monday goes well for you! You definitely deserve it!
Heidi´s last blog ..Wash, rinse, (dry), REPEAT