me time

I always liked time to myself but never CRAVED it like others say they do. When my son was born people regularly asked me about wanting to get away and all I could think of was “no, I love being with him”. I can honestly say that up until now I never craved moments away from my son. You can ask The Captain. Thus far there really haven’t been times where I was dying to  get out, and away. But now that my son is 2, and now that he certainly has his own opinion on things, and now that he decides to throw fits wherever and whenever I finally understand WHY I need time to myself. I am so torn by this desire. I actually am angry with myself for feeling this way, and to be honest I haven’t forgiven myself for these thoughts. But they are there. At the end of the day I sometimes need a break, and now that I can no longer shop with my old shopping buddy, it’s time for me to get some ME TIME.

I’m very hard on myself. Why do I have these feelings? Should I have these feelings? How is it that for two years I was fine with never going out at the end of the day when Captain Awesome came home just to “get away”? They say when you have a newborn that you should just “get away” sometimes, but I never felt that way. I never needed that mani/pedi that some moms need. I never needed nights away and I never wanted go run errands with out him. He was my buddy. My partner in crime during my days at home. But not anymore.

Now I am learning that as much as my days were about him as a newborn they are even more so now. It’s hard to imagine but my entire day is spend doing what he wants to do. I am hearing from other moms (thank you facebook) that it’s normal. That I should just give up trying to shop and I’ll feel better…but I don’t? My favorite part of being a SAHM is being able to run errands at will. And even better? Having my little man by my side. But maybe that’s how it happens? My little man is telling me that he is going to do what he wants to do no matter how I feel. I guess I better get used to it.

Now with the fits my days are frustrating. Again this is the first time I can remember feeling so frustrated with my day….so frustrated with my son. That is why I am hard on myself. I just don’t get it? Then I put myself down and say “you need to teach him better”. “it’s your job to teach him how to behave”. But how? That is where I am at a loss.

That is why I now feel I need time to myself. The other night I decided I just needed some time to myself. So when The Captain came home I left him to feed our son dinner and to put him to bed. It’s a job I almost never relinquish. There aren’t many days I don’t put our son to bed and I just needed to be away. And I cried about it. I cried about the fact that I NEEDED to be away. Is it bad?

I remember my mom telling me when I was little that she was going to run away. It was a joke and we’d laugh that I would always find her. And I never really got it till now. She really did need a moment and I never gave it to her….and I will rarely get those moments anymore. It’s OK. I guess it’s all part of the job. And I guess it’s OK to feel that you need a break sometimes. Right?

Needing that “me time” more than ever is a new feeling for me. I am trying not to put myself down but I do. I guess I am my biggest critic as a mom.