I feel like most of my life thus far I kind of had an idea of how I wanted it to play out. There were plans. College….check! Get married….Check! Buy a house…Check! Have a baby…Check! Have another baby…Check! Be a stay at home mom…Check! And then you’ve done it….Not many people can say that they have reached their dream goals but I can. I’m happy. But now what? What comes next? Do I just now glide along through life? I have always mentally had a plan of what I wanted to happen, but at this point I don’t have any goals in the horizon and that’s scary!
I always wanted to be a mom when I grew up. Yes of course I wanted to be famous and thought I was destined for greatness, but as I grew older I realized that what I really wanted was to be like my mom. I wanted to be at home with my kids. It was a long journey to have my son but he made me a mom, and I never looked back. Right before he was two we decided to try for another child because it took so long the first time. I found out just before his second birthday that I was pregnant, and although that child was never meant to be I knew I wanted another baby…..so we tried. What’s crazy to me now is that I was already pregnant at the age Tessa is now! But this time around there is no talk of a baby. There most likely won’t be another one and that fact is weird to me.
I’m OK with it (kind of). I know it’s best, but the idea that there will be no more babies freaks me out. What will I do? Captain Awesome will remind me to work, but that will never be my passion. I am happy with my job, and even more so thankful that it has allowed me to work and be home with our children…but it’s not what drives me. Being a mom does….
I know I have the rest of my life to be their mom, and that it never stops, but I also know that soon enough they won’t need me like they do now. So what should my next plan be? What will I look forward to next? If it’s not marriage and babies then what? Captain Awesome is probably starting to get nervous at what I will put my energy into next, but I am just confused. My life’s path seems to have somewhat of a question mark on it. So I keep moving forward doing what I love. No matter what I do that will not change. It’s just weird…….