I usually like to think that I have it together, and if I don’t I pretend. Don’t we all try to do that? I mean everyone has struggles right? I love my family, I like to be involved in school, the community and activities and I am happy to do it. But, that isn’t always easy when you are personally breaking down. When your mind is always some place else but you need to be present as a mom…what do you do? When it’s your job to make the holidays magical and to keep it together? When you live far away from your family who needs you? It’s then that I become a complete mess, but moms aren’t allowed to be a mess. Life goes on, and there are things to do…so how do I cope? I haven’t figured it out yet…
My dad is sick. He just got out of the ICU after 2 weeks, and a total of over 3 weeks in the hospital. Before that he was struggling so it’s been tough for a while, but this month shit hit the fan. I am 2 1/2 hours away….December and Christmas is my favorite time of year and my kids deserve to feel the magic of the holidays. So what do I do? If I could split myself in two it would be great. My mind is with my mom and dad…they need me. I am best in a crisis situation but I’m not there. Instead I am useless at home on the phone and not being present as a parent. The two people I need to be just gets to be one person who isn’t succeeding at much.
Captain Awesome has been great. He has stepped up to be whatever I need but he can’t be that person. I need me. If he stayed home and I travel to PA (which I have) I attempt to remember all that needs to be done…activities to get them to and lunches to pack. In the meantime he misses work and I feel guilty. If I am in NY I feel like I am not with my dad who is suffering, or with my mom who needs support. I am a robot. It sucks. My brain is never where it is supposed to be and I feel like a mess…..always. Do my kids know? Probably not. That’s positive. That is until mommy has to be away and they are sad. See, as a SAHM I’m always with them. I captain this ship. Although I know they are fine…they aren’t used to me being away. It’s hard to hear with tears “mommy…home” from your two year old.
So here we are. I am currently in NY trying to figure out when I can skip out to PA next. I know my family here will help but it doesn’t make me feel less torn. I need to be two places as once. But I can’t….so here we are…..