I wrote this shortly after seeing the above stick back in January (yes it’s the real one!)
Oh my goodness it has finally happened. You know, when something takes so long to happen, and you want it to happen soooo bad, somehow you convince yourself that “of course it’s not going to happen” because you feel that your heart just can’t take another negative. (sorry for that run on) And that’s where I was. At a point where I couldn’t even let myself believe that I might actually be pregnant, because it was just too hard to NOT be pregnant every month. That being said, I still peed on a stick almost every month even though I promised myself I wouldn’t. This month was no different. It was even 1 day before I was set to get AF, and low and behold I saw the double lines. My heart lifted and my stomach sank. How could one feel so happy and terrified at one time? All I could think was “Here we go again”, and to be honest I wasn’t sure my heart or head could take what was in front of us. That is when my nervous breakdown began….
I whined about this before, but it really isn’t fair. For a normal woman who wants to get pregnant and easily does, you see the positive test and feel elated. I’m not saying you aren’t nervous, but you get to feel joy. (at least that’s how I imagine it) After getting pregnant the last time I was super nervous until I hit the 8 week mark because our first loss was at that point. It never occurred to me that a second miscarriage would be in my future. And it REALLY never occurred to me that it would happen AFTER my 8 week appointment, so this time around I knew I had a long road ahead.
I ran upstairs to show Captain Awesome the stick. He was super excited, but I think he knew what it all meant mentally for both him and me. I felt so cheated that we didn’t get the pure joy that we wanted to feel. The only good thing was that by seeing the fertility specialist, we got to get monitored a lot more than before. I am not sure how much, but they did tell me to call right away….which I did. I wasn’t so worried about the blood test. I knew the pee stick was pretty accurate. It was what came next that terrified me. How can I let myself love this pregnancy when I know how crushed I would feel if it didn’t work out? I know I have to protect my heart and proceed with caution.
How do I go about my life right now? How do I be a good mom to my son when I am terrified almost every moment of every day? Every cramp or tingle has me rushing to the bathroom to wipe myself. I am a constant bundle of nerves and I just can’t help it. Each day has felt like an eternity. I am mentally exhausted, but try to put on a smile for my son’s sake. He deserves it. I hate to be a debbie downer but I am. Every time I talk about the pregnancy I finish with “well if things work out”, and that sucks. These are the days I wish wine was allowed for pregnant women. I need something to shut my brain down, and there is nothing. It’s on overdrive. Hence the nervous breakdown.
I am excited about the possibilities. I can’t wait to move past this fear and start to feel real joy. I should be allowed that…I think I deserve it. Let’s hope time doesn’t continue to move this slow…